TW. Ex bestfriend has reached out to me during a hard time and I feel stuck!

[Helpagaloutplz]

Possible trigger of premature babies…

My used to be closest friend has messaged me late last night to let me know she’s just had a premature baby at 32 weeks - unexpected and out of the blue with an understandably traumatic birth. She sent me a photo of him and he is tiny but health wise will be absolutely fine, potentially a month in NICU.

I messaged her back straight away to say I hope her and baby are doing as well as can be and that I’m sorry to hear what’s happened.

I care about her a great deal.

The thing is, we haven’t spoken for 18 months because we had a huge falling out. We met last year of uni and had been friends for well over 10 years. I felt like as I grew, she didn’t. She never accepted the fact that I have other friends and would make her jealousy clear (calling me whilst I’m out with them etc) and she used to put me down quite a lot. She has autism so I always always gave her grace but sometimes she would say very unfiltered, rude things to me and make comments here and there. Plus the calling and texting daily. The truth is, despite all this I love her dearly and most of the time, she was an incredible friend.

She has messaged me this morning and I do not know what to do. I want to support her and can’t bare her being in a hard position with her prem baby. I also have to remember why we fell out and that she wasn’t the kindest.

What would you do?

I feel like right now isn’t the time to talk about us falling out, right?

Agree with @MageQueen — assuming you’ve clearly communicated in the past exactly why the friendship doesn’t work for you, because she’s a timesponge who doesn’t seem to understand rudeness, just leave it with your best wishes.

Why do you think the OP’s time should be spent on a friendship with someone encroaching and rude?

I'd let it go. I had a similar situation with a friend getting in touch after a falling out, but decided not to respond. This person didn't change and grow through out long friendship and was very likely they had not changed a few years later. An ex friend is usually an ex friend for a reason.

I think you've done the right thing with that message. I've had the experience of a friend I'd moved in from for good reasons making contact when a significant life event happened and it was a transparent attempt to piggyback on the situation to get my attention again. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult and guilt provoking to maintain boundaries but as nothing really has changed, nothing can change.

Good message OP well done

I'd support her. I'm not into holding grudges, especially for the ones I love, and you say you love her. No one is perfect, those who appear to be aren't showing you their true selves so it is a surface level relationship. People also grow and change. Call her out when she annoys you by all means but don't cut off someone you love just on principle. If she starts overstepping put boundaries in place and if it becomes too stressful cut her off, but is seems like you want to give her another chance so do it.

I'm not sure why you're assuming OP wants to keep in touch when she's just messaged the former friend saying she may not message her again.

The OP has literally just told her former friend that she wishes her well, but may not message again.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Sometimes helping others allows us to heal our own pasts.

May means it is a possibility does it not?
OP also said she wants to support her friend, cares about her friend, loves her dearly and she was a good friend 90% of the time.

I feel like right now isn’t the time to talk about us falling out, right?

The question is, will it ever be the right time? I don’t want to sound cruel, but is she the kind of person who is likely to use the situation with her child as a “get-out clause”? I’m just imagining a situation where she’d be saying “I can’t believe you’re bringing all that up when I’m trying to cope with an unwell child/after everything I’ve been through!” - meaning you not only never have the conversation, but get made to feel bad for even trying.

If you’ve gone through two pregnancies together, then she wanted you to know about baby number three, to keep you in the loop. You’re obviously still important to her, despite all that’s gone on.

Does she knew why you no longer talk to her?

You’ve replied and wished her and the baby well. Has she messaged again?

Going forward, it’s your call. You could resume the friendship, but in a less deep way. Occasional cups of coffee etc, go and see the new baby etc but not best friends. Do it on your terms, not hers.

Agree

I think your message was kind, but clear. You don't want the same friendship that she does, and in that case, it is best for both of you to move on.

Can you explain why?

Anyone cam be jealous or make put downs please dont make this a connection with autism. Not every bloody behaviour in the world is linked to someone being autistic.

I don’t know, to be honest. When I received the message last night I responded straight away because I genuinely do care and hate this situation for her. When she messaged me again this morning with an update I thought to myself it is no way the right time to bring up our friendship or fall out - but if baby is in for 4-6 weeks (what she’s been told right now) then adjustment time when they bring him home - does that mean updates and chatting for 2 months without being able to say “erm, so look we aren’t friends anymore”

It's actually possible she's got some koind of distribution thing going on. And it's not just coming to you but to everyone she thinks MIGHT be interested.

It honestly sounds like she is trying to reel you in again… in the past, she hasn’t listened and has harrassed you so you’re in danger of that happening again if you engage too much

It sounds like you don't cope well with her autism this isnt a criticism just how your post reads, just keep the replies small and ask after the baby, but she won't have changed because that i is her personality so you would be back to square one so I wouldn't re hash the friendship.

I would try to let bygones be bygones. She’s tried to reach out to you before, and she is now in a very difficult position. She needs support. Give it to her.

Just to make things extremely clear, I never intended to make my post sound this way at all. Because of her autism I am aware that she sometimes struggles to say the right thing and I know it can make her brain work differently to mine. I said I give her grace for this. She has been told by professionals that this is definitely a connection and the reason why she was diagnosed.

The chances are that whilst she does have autism, she probably is also just a bit of a cow.

Support would usually be partner, parents, close family, friends she’s actually seen in the last 18 months..

I don’t think I could just sweep everything that has happened under the carpet

I actually think it is kinder not to get involved again. I think it is worse to pretend to be someone else's friend for months because you feel sorry for her, to end up telling her you don't want to be friends again because of her behaviour. The chances of her having changed her communication style are not high, and the fact that she has already messaged you twice in a day suggests she would go right back to her old ways.

You don't click as friends as your communication styles are so different. It doesn't mean either of you are bad people, you are just incompatible as friends. That is okay and it is okay not to be her friend. Friendships should be fun and friends should add something to your life. No-one has a right to be your friend when you don't want them to. This seems to be something some posters on MN have a hard time understanding.