Asking a child if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend

[CoffeeBreak8]

My FIL asks my children (albeit in a jokey/playful way) if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school. I have 2 sons and 1 daughter, all aged between 6 & 9. I can see it makes them feel awkward and leads to them teasing each other. I just think it’s really weird and have replied saying “no they don’t, they just have friends” but he asks every time. Am I being unreasonable finding this question inappropriate?

YANBU. I’ve heard many people say this over the years I’ve been on your planet and never understood why. It’s not funny, it’s cringey, it’s slightly creepy and confuses the kids.

How old is FIL ?

it’s a very old fashioned question to ask these days to DC in school

and yes it is creepy nowadays

Why is he sexualising children? Big red flag. No unsupervised visits and I'd be tempted to cut him off completely.

I'm with you. I've got kids in the same age bracket. I hate it and I think it embarrasses kids and also discourages or makes them question healthy boy/ girl friendships. So annoying. Usually asked by people of my parents generation.

He’s in his 70s. He’s a lovely grandad and not sleezy. I just find that question so irritating and makes my children uncomfortable. I may need to be firmer and tell him to stop asking that question. I’ve tried to do this in a nice way but feel I need to be more assertive in future.

Maybe I just tease him back and say to my kids “don’t worry, grandad is old and asks old fashioned questions… of course you don’t have boyfriends and girlfriends, ignore him!.”

Well on another thread a woman's dd8 has a boyfriend!!!

It does seem to be an older generation, working class turn of phrase, which is dying out really. As it should.

Even worse than “do you have a boy/girlfriend - in the late 00’s, when social media was still new, people referring to their children as “my sexy lil man” and “my sexy lil princess” was not uncommon. Fortunately everyone seems to have collectively remembered that “sexy” is not an appropriate term to refer to a child, and it has died a death. Still baffles me that anyone ever thought it was.

YANBU. It’s a horrid question to ask a
child at any age. If they are little children it’s ridiculous and weird to ask that.

If they are teenagers it’s excruciating to be asked to talk about your love life (or lack of, which can be very difficult for teens to deal with as it is!).

Your FIL needs to be told to stop and pulled up on it openly every time he does. “Silly old grandad asking if someone your age has a girlfriend, what a lot of rubbish eh. He’s forgotten we told him about this already - perhaps you need to get yourself to the memory clinic FIL.”

YANBU. A child aged 6-9 shouldn't have a bf or gf and to be asked by grandad all the time is very awkward. Is he ok mentally? Have you spoken to your MIL about it too? She might be better at telling him to stop as his wife. It is inappropriate and it makes your children feel uncomfortable yet he still does it. I think you or your husband need a quiet, firm, polite word with him that it is awkward for the children, they are just in primary school and that it needs to stop. End of. Grandparents can be some of the most wonderful people in your life at those ages, but also say what seems silly things and can upset a child.

My sister has asked my DC this since they started primary school, probably even before. It irritates the shit out of me. I don't know if its 'working class' as suggested above but its a very old fashioned question. My sister has always been older than her years.

Glad it isn’t just me that this irritates. Yes he’s working class. Thank you for your suggestions!

Yes a few of the kids in my eldest child’s class have boyfriends and girlfriends, obviously it’s all innocent. A couple of which are encouraged by their parents which I find so so so bizarre!!!!

It’s not just older people - DS (5) best pal at school is a girl and HER PARENTS have made more than one joke about them getting married. Thankfully not in earshot of the kids, but still.

Awful! I worked in a preschool years ago and heard the staff saying this, it would make me feel so uncomfortable and felt I couldn’t complain about it, as the manager would say this too. Didn’t stay in the preschool long. After leaving the preschool failed its Ofsted report, then closed which didn’t surprise me.

Mine did the same. I told him gently that the child was far too young and we didn’t want to use that kind of word for friends because it has a distinct meaning. ‘perhaps you could ask about (hobby) or friends instead like you do us?
He took it well and hasn’t done it since.

give some alternatives. It’s a clumsy conversation starter for someone who’s probably not good with kids (making assumptions about generational parenting)

I do wonder if this is the culture in some places for some reason there’s a lot of boyfriend / girlfriend in the younger classes of local primary / nursery. It’s all very innocent, I remember one little chap in nursery who had three girlfriends.

I think it lasted up to p2/3. I do agree if they don’t like it, he shouldn’t ask.

Yeah completely agree. Elderly grandparents asking teenagers about girlfriends / boyfriends isn't the friendly banter it was once perceived as and is completely intrusive. If oldest wait until the child announces it when they feel comfortable.

Its creepy

Weird question, but it didn’t used to be considered that weird, so if you don’t think he’s creepy, my guess is he’s just behind the times.

In my personal experience of being a child around thirty years ago, some adults would ask the question just to see the kids go, “Ugh! No! Boys/girls are gross!”, but that was in the US, so YMMV.

Inappropriate for many reasons. It perpetuates the idea that you must have a partner for starters. Of course, girls are asked about boyfriends and boys are asked about girlfriends. That reinforces the idea that a non-hetero relationship isn't 'normal'.

Oh do be quiet, he’s not asking them if they are shagging somebody behind the bike sheds. Pity to be your children.

‘of course they have friends of the opposite sex, DGF, there isn’t so much segregation as there used to be. Kids just play with whoever they like the most at the moment’.

Oh behave

agree with PP
be very direct with him, out of the children's presence and before he does it again
'FIL, remember last time you asked about the children having boyfriend/girlfriends? It makes them very uncomfortable. Please don't do it again. Why not ask them (insert preferable easy topic/open ended question)
even better if you can do this when MIL is there also.