Asking a child if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend

[CoffeeBreak8]

My FIL asks my children (albeit in a jokey/playful way) if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school. I have 2 sons and 1 daughter, all aged between 6 & 9. I can see it makes them feel awkward and leads to them teasing each other. I just think it’s really weird and have replied saying “no they don’t, they just have friends” but he asks every time. Am I being unreasonable finding this question inappropriate?

I hear what everybody is saying. And it’s not a question I would ever ask anybody, let alone a child. But, my family would NEVER have asked such a question. Having a partner is not something they would discuss unless marriage or pregnancy was announced. I found it so refreshing when a random
great aunt asked friend if they had a boyfriend when we were in our late teens. It was something that could be talked about, unlike in my family.

I told my DS to say he's got a boyfriend if an older uncle kept pestering him just to switch the tables and make him uncomfortable. My DS was smarter than me and said "No, I prefer being a bachelor just like you".

I loathe this, my son used to go to a barber's when he was about 7 & the barber's would ask him 'do you have a girlfriend' or 'How's your girlfriend' & I could tell my son found it uncomfortable so I asked him about it after it happened a few times & he basically said he didn't like it & didn't want to go back so we changed barber's. I think it's seen as 'banter' and 'a joke' but some kid's don't like it.

It's definitely an older generation thing and thankfully seems to be dying off. Let kids be kids and mature at their own pace. I don't like the adultification (or the heteronormativity)

I'm 70 and I wouldn't dream of asking anyone that question, no matter their age. But maybe especially not children.

But I do have friends of my own age group who ask me about my children (30s & 40s) and boyfriends. I enjoy reacting in a 'why on earth would you be asking that?' kind of way.

At the risk of derailing the thread, which planet are you from originally @CluelessAboutBiology?

Its old fashioned, but was a very common jokey thing to say to children when I was a child (I'm in my 60s). Times have moved on, but I think saying it is a red flag (and you are obviously suggesting this man is a paedophile, so be upfront and say that) is a major overreaction. To cut a loving granddad out of his grand children's lives because he uses an outdated phrase wouold be cruel to all concerned. In my experience it was the ort of thing people said because they couldn't think of anything to say to kids and it was an awkard attempt to be jolly.

OP I would just politely tell him it makes the kids feel uncomfortable and ask him to stop.

agree, its not a red flag in the 'he's a danger to kids' sense at all

but it does undermine safeguarding in an indirect way as its normalising sexualised talk with children- a vulnerable child who has heard this many times is then more vulnerable to a predator saying 'don't you want to be my girlfriend?'etc

but I wouldn't explain this to the FiL
just say it makes them uncomfortable/embarassed- that should be enough reason for him to stop

oh behave.

I have no issue with it unless it’s repetitive and annoying, which maybe this is.

My DC 8 has two girlfriends and they have both said they are going to marry him. Doesnt bother me in the slightest.

When I was in primary school everyone had boyfriends and girlfriends. They didn't last long and everyone swapped around. It's definitely not unheard of. I have no idea why adults seem to have memory loss in this area. It was called puppy love. To think that kids don't have little crushes and are immune to romantic feelings is pretty short sighted.
Loads of grandads and older relatives ask this sort of question. They think they are being jokey and having a laugh. WTF is everyone so sensitive these days!

Yanbu at all!

This takes me right back to my teenage years. A family friend without fail used to ask my DSis and I if we were 'courting' every time we met up. We used to cringe but she was otherwise a lovely lady so nothing was ever said

My daughter has boy and girl friends. She even talks about who she's going to marry and give loves first kiss. Its all very innocent. If the question makes them uncomfortable shut it down. Tell him they do like the question and you know he would never want to make them upset or uncomfortable.

Yes. It's just a bit of gentle teasing, parents are so precious nowadays.

He is the type of person to tease. Loves to banter etc. Indeed he’d probably think I might be being precious in your words. On the flip side my children are indeed precious to me and I can see it makes them uncomfortable. I might need to teach them to joke back and reply with something witty… I do find it annoying though. None have talked about having boyfriends and girlfriends, I’d prefer it not to be put in their heads by their grandparents.

I’ve found both men and women of a certain era ask this question and it annoyed me greatly that’s basically the only conversation they can make with a young person…

An older relative of my husbands would often ask this of my eldest child when he was about 9 or 10 making him uncomfortable, until the day she asked it of my second child (then 8) who instantly replied back “no of course not, don’t be silly - I’m far too young to have a girlfriend, just like you’re far to old to have a boyfriend!” as he strolled out of the room with the careless swagger of a typical second born! The question was never asked again strangely enough.

That second born is now in his last year at primary and his small class is full of boyfriend/girlfriend angst although he takes no part in it and is happily just friends with both boys and girls equally. He does love the drama it creates though and gleefully tells me all about it after school most days - it’s a bit of light entertainment for us both.

I’m not sure you have much banter or a sense of humour either. You just seem very angry, bizarre 🧐

Love this!

Utterly ridiculous advice.

It's a very common question from elderly men and women.

I’ve seen you post on other threads before Iceboy80
I find it strange that a misogynist is lurking around on Mumsnet… please return to whatever incel world you came from 🤮

Totally agree,I really hate this