Step/grandparent not sure do I have to be either?

[Mintyhedgehog]

So my granddaughters mum has just had a new baby (not my daughter) with her new partner. Who I cannot stand and has made no effort to bother with us,despite us welcoming him from day one. I cannot stand his parents who seem to have shoved us out of the way and are acting like our granddaughters grandparents. Apart from gifts at Christmas etc do we have to have a relationship with the baby? Is wrong to be jealous of the new grandparents?

I have been the new baby in this scenario.

My sisters grandparents and aunt were always nice to me - we would see them at drop off and collection of my sister, as they were the intermediary between my mum and her ex. They weren't local which must have impacted the time spent together. They gave me cards and a bit of money at birthdays and xmas, but understandably would always give my sister more.

My aunt on my dad's side, who is more of a nan figure, treated me and my sister the same. She was local and we spent a fair bit of time with her, and my sister chose to call her auntie.

Looking back, I have no idea if my sisters family got upset or not. But I know it was the best outcome for me and my sister. It was OK for me to be treated differently by her family - they were nice but they weren't my family and never pretended to be. And nothing ever changed for me because this was the way it was since birth. But for my sister, who didn't get to live with both her parents, and had changes in life seeing our mum go through the divorce etc, it was important that she felt part of the new family unit my mum made with my dad.

Your grandchild is feeling part of that unit - she isn't any less your grandchild because other people are being nice to her and including her. Stop making this about you and your feelings and think about the impact on your grandchild if you got your way. It's sweet that your grandchild wants you to be involved with her new sibling, and shows that you aren't been spoken about as her 'old family' in the home - just make an excuse of the baby is too small to come to your house just now and she'll stop asking.

You don't mention your son's role in this at all. Has he died? (Sorry). If not, does he have joint custody?

I would focus on your (and your son's, if still alive) relationship with your actual grandchild. The new baby isn't your relative and has plenty of other relatives. Be kind and polite, Christmas present etc, but I don't see the need for anything else - if this new relationship ends, which is quite possible, you won't have a role in the baby's life.

think the OP needs to explain this relationship properly because it is just does not make any sense whatsoever! is she a partner to the grandfather? she states that mum is not her daughter and the "new partner" doesnt seem to be her son either! so where is the grandparent relationship coming from????

Why on earth would op have a role in the baby’s life ? They aren’t related.

Of course you don’t need to be involved with the new baby, you’re not related and don’t have much of a relationship with the baby’s parents. But you should be pleased that the new baby’s grandparents are treating your granddaughter like another granddaughter. I bet you’d have more of an issue with them if they weren’t.

@Mintyhedgehog is it the neighbours daughter who had a baby???? I have no idea!!

It’s very usual for children to have more than one set of grandparents especially if the grandparents have separated it has no baring on your relationship with your granddaughter.

If OP babysits her granddaughter and the mum does drop off/pick up, then yes she may see the baby, although she does say they currently wait in the car.
But I have a similar family set up (but at parent level, not grandparent level), and yes over the years I have seen the 'baby' a lot, and now that she's older (about 11yo) she actually comes to my house sometimes to hang out with my kids as they are half siblings. I started buying her presents when she was old enough to comprehend who was buying her presents, so maybe 5yo. It was quite weird at first, but I'm used to it now.

I think the main problem here is just that OP hates the father and his parents, so is carrying on about it.

Lol ok. So imagine you have a husband and a 5yo daughter. OP is your mother in law.
You and your husband divorce, you remarry, and have a new baby with your new husband. Your new husband's parents are the ones OP is complaining about, because they are calling themselves nan and pop to your 5yo. Your now ex mother in law (OP) is freaking out about your new baby, and not wanting to have a relationship with it.

You're not going to be able to have this all your own way, because your granddaughters mum holds most of the cards here. Her terms are that you accept your granddaughters new sibling as a member of your family and play a grandparent role to the baby, or you will be relegated in favour of her partners parents, who are presumably accepting of both her children. So, you either accept your second place role, or you step up to a more important one, with the added expectations on you that brings. It's entirely up to you.

The mum hasn’t asked op to take on a grandparent role and I doubt she will. A hello, goodbye at the car and a token Easter egg/Christmas card sent home with her bio granddaughter will be fine. This baby has no relationship to op, and I’m sure when the time comes for babysitting ops new husbands family will be the first port of call. Op just needs to let go of the idea that it’s her ex daughter in law who needs to be the one to keep the relationship between her and her biological granddaughter close, that’s her sons job. She also probably stop referring to her daughter in laws new husband as “The idiot in car”.

So this is your DSs ex-partner's new baby from a new relationship and your DGD's half-sister/brother. You do not have to have any relationship with this baby even on a Christmas and birthday basis if you do not want to - not part of your family. I occasionally see my DGC's half-sibling (hate this word but do not want to be outing). When I do I am nice. If DC is present at a gift-giving event gets a gift, if present when money-for-something-for-DGC-to-spend-on (think ice creams/fair rides) is going on then DC is included. That's it.

Do whatever you can to retain a close relationship with your granddaughter and her mother.

You can be kind and friendly without having to offer to care for the new little brother of your granddaugher. If you do look after him from time to time because your granddaughter wants that and her mother agrees and trusts you, then that is not so bad, surely.
Buy a small gift for the baby at Christmas - if that is what your grandaughter wants - that is easy.

The new step father, while being an idiot, is in your granddaughter's life so you should not really turn her against him.

Similar situation only I'm the kid's mother my ex partners mother has a relationship with my 2nd child who is not related to her. She does it as she loves for GS and my younger child is his brother and younger DC has a good relationship with her. Our arrangements probably strange but I've no family and dc2 parternal relatives dont see him as often

My brothers ex went on to have other children when they split. My mum doesn’t treat them as grandchildren but does have a close relationship with them. Visits at Christmas etc. she doesn’t need to as technically all they are to her are her granddaughter’s half siblings but nobody fell out and everyone has always got on well.

You don’t have to have a relationship with the new baby. Perhaps avoid slagging off the mum though.

Well that seems a bit off to me. When I split up with my ex he told his mother to forget she had grandchildren.

It was me who facilitated the relationship between my daughters and their grandmother.

She also send birthday / Xmas cards and small gifts to me son ( who isn't related her her) when he was a child

She's now in her80s and I still get on fine with hwr

That's great. But it is not your responsibility, it is your choice. If your ex MIL called your new partner an idiot and told you she didn't want to hear about your new baby it would be acceptable to create a distance and leave facilitating a relationship to her son.

Yeah in that case it would.

Nope!... "her new partner" and granddaughter mum have had another baby. That babies sister is OPs biological grandchild so the new baby is not blood relative at all. She's basically saying she doesn't want to be involved with the new baby but it will be hard as the other child is her biological grandchild

I would tread very carefully here and try to maintain a good relationship with them all. Your ex dil holds all the power and can make it difficult for you to see your granddaughter if you fall out. You don’t mention your son having any access. Is he still on the scene?

My only grandson is my husband’s daughter’s child but calls us granny and grandad and spends more time with me than any of his other grandparents. My sil and niece have maintained a close relationship with two of her ex dil’s. Family is what you make it. It’s early days yet for their little family. I would just be kind and wait to see how it all pans out.

You have no obligation to any child not related to you.

However, these are just kids. Kids who are related to each other. Being a kind and positive influence in both of their lives will benefit your granddaughter. A fractured family is tough on any child; whatever you can do to make your granddaughter’s life simpler and kinder and include her sibling in a positive way will benefit your granddaughter. And you may benefit from a relationship with another lovely child.