Step/grandparent not sure do I have to be either?

[Mintyhedgehog]

So my granddaughters mum has just had a new baby (not my daughter) with her new partner. Who I cannot stand and has made no effort to bother with us,despite us welcoming him from day one. I cannot stand his parents who seem to have shoved us out of the way and are acting like our granddaughters grandparents. Apart from gifts at Christmas etc do we have to have a relationship with the baby? Is wrong to be jealous of the new grandparents?

I'd be happy that this other family is including your grandchild and not making her feel an outsider.You do not have to have anything to do with the new baby but like others have said token present at birthday/Xmas wouldn't hurt.

Anthropologist and clinical therapist.

You are being silly.

the new baby has nothing to do with you or any baring in the relationship with your GD.

Does your ds see his child at all?

You seem a little bitter that she's moved on from your son- it's clear that you don't like the new guy- but surely all that actually matters is if he treats your grandchild well?

OP no one has the right to make you feel any way about this new baby. And no one can tell you what to do. Its a complex and evolving situation. Your son’s ex is not necessarily always going to be well disposed towards you and willing to let you be a big part if your dgc’s life. Or she may continue to see you in the light of an important maternal figure to her. and share the babies with you equally because she mistakes your relationship as one of respect and love for her.

I was very close to an elderly woman on my street. 80 when I met her, 100 when she died. She treated young mother me as a good friend and was endlessly interested in my two dd’s. They became her surrogate grandchildren and were present at her death.

Relationships are about more (and less) than blood. You don’t have to have a relationship with this baby. But it might help maintaining the relationship with your dgc to include the vaby in your circle of caring and concern.

Your DS is the one who ought to be facilitating your relationship with his child. Where is he in all this?

Do you think maybe the real issue here is your expectations of the Mum to continue to be the person you expect her to be? You want to continue a relationship with her, but as your sons partner. Not as your sons ex that has a new partner and child.

@Dogaredabomb that really made me laugh!

OP, you are inventing this pressure yourself. The new baby is nothing to do with you. Don’t stress over it.

Of course your former daughter in law is busy with her new baby and partner - that’s perfectly normal.

Let your love for your GD be greater than your jealousy. It's fantastic if she's loved by many people.

Your ex daughter-in-law has no obligation to have any kind of relationship with you. Although I feel for your grand-daughter and it might be hard for her to understand, it would be strange for you to have any kind of relationship with the baby imo. You haven't said where your son is in all this?
I understand you're feeling a bit jealous and put out by the new grandparents on the scene but unfortunately this is just part of blended families and something you will have to accept. Your granddaughter is part of their family now, the same way as if your son had a new partner with a child they would be part of yours, your ex DIL and her new baby are not part of your family though

@Mintyhedgehog where is your DS in all of this?

On the other couple acting as grandparents, let them. She is 5 and has a good bond with you and you’d rather she had new “step grandparents” that adored her than left her out with her new sibling. She wouldn’t understand that and they are doing the right thing.

If your son got a new partner and had kids, you’d want the partner and her parents to be nice to his other daughter (your grandchild) and this is no different. Though it is hard!

You will possibly end up with less time with grandchild if new boyf parents are on the scene as ex DIL and partner may take both kids to visit them on weekends instead of seeing you. Though hard, it’s right that your granddaughter spends time with her sibling.

There’s also 0 reason for you to look after new baby, but as she grows older and starts interacting, your own granddaughter will notice if you’re openly cold. I know families where their daughter married a guy with a son from an ex (the ex was psycho!) and they treated his son as a grandchild and when their daughter had her own 2 boys with him, they had 3 grandchildren. It’s different here and you’d be overstepping by doing that with the new baby, but simply saying congratulations and sending a card to say the same plus a small token on birthdays/Christmas for your granddaughters sibling isn’t much to ask and shows a willingness to all be on good terms.

In an ideal world you would see your granddaughter through your son as he is the one you have a direct relationship with. He should be facilitating spending time together.

Am I right that mum is your ex-DIL? To have the relationship through her depends on her goodwill and it sounds like she's (rightly or wrongly) prioritising her new relationship with her current partner's family over you. Maybe he feels weird about her being in contact with her ex's family.

Where is your son in all this? How much is he parenting his child? Why isn't he facilitating you seeing your grandchild?

I can see why you are upset OP
The situation is extremely raw and it is early days
As hard as it is, your gd is your priority and you have to go with what she wants, even if that makes painting a smile on your face
I have similar experience of your situation

The new baby is absolutely nothing to do with you. Her mum or you, just needs to explain you’re her grandparent, but you aren’t the baby’s. There’s no need for it to be any more complicated that that.

You may like to review how you work then its very simple

op has a granddaughter, as she has stated the mum is not her daughter, therefore the granddaughter is her sons child

no doubt to be nice for the granddaughter she has maintained a relationship with her former daughter in law and her new partner, who op does not like

former daughter in law has now had a new child with the new partner, therefore no biological relation to the op, and a half sibling to her granddaughter

@Mintyhedgehog I would do Christmas and birthday presents if you really think you have to do s9mething

Other than not making it obvious to your biological granddaughter that you don’t like her new stepdad/mum/new step sibling you don’t have to do anything at all.

I assume your granddaughter and the new baby are half siblings?

I guess a lot will depend on how your see your relationship with your granddaughter evolving in the future.

No-one can dictate how you view this new baby, but if your granddaughter is regarding this new addition as important to her, then she may be very confused if she feels you are not as welcoming. She is too young to understand family dynamics.

Personally, I would do what I could to keep the relationship going with granddaughter and just wait and see what occurs with the new baby.

It's one of those scenarios where the mother will be posting in a few years to say her daughter's grandparents are not inclusive towards her other children.

Where is your son in all this. The new baby is nothing to do with you and your opinion on the new partner and his parents are hugely irrelevant.

You can see your GD during the time your son has her surely

Just read your update, you sound annoyed that your being “pushed out” now your ex daughter in law has a new partner but it’s best boundaries are put in place, she doesn’t sound rude.. A hello and a quick goodbye when she does pickups are all that’s needed, in 10 years time you’ll probably never really hear from the mum again apart from maybe weddings or special birthdays.
The new boyfriend’s family aren’t trying to steal your granddaughter, they are forming a relationship and want to build a bond with her, that’s a good thing!
it’s up to your ex daughter in law or son to explain to your granddaughter that she’s got a different nanny and grandad but tell her your really happy for her and think she’ll make a brilliant big sister.

I think it's a positive thing that your ex DIL's new inlaws are being kind and welcoming to your granddaughter - too many times on here we see people upset that their new inlaws are not at all inclusive of a child from a previous relationship. The more loving grandparents the better.

My ex mil was very kind when I had a subsequent child and considered him a new grandson.

Equally it’s not unkind for OP to have no relationship with the baby

Where is your son?
Your granddaughters mother doesn't owe you a relationship and her new partner certainly doesn't, why should he be interested in the family of his DPs ex?
It's up to your son to facilitate a relationship. If you feel pushed out maybe that's on your son and he isn't being an active parent to his DD.