Step/grandparent not sure do I have to be either?

[Mintyhedgehog]

So my granddaughters mum has just had a new baby (not my daughter) with her new partner. Who I cannot stand and has made no effort to bother with us,despite us welcoming him from day one. I cannot stand his parents who seem to have shoved us out of the way and are acting like our granddaughters grandparents. Apart from gifts at Christmas etc do we have to have a relationship with the baby? Is wrong to be jealous of the new grandparents?

What I'd say to a five year old is that babies need to stay mostly with Mummy because she knows how to feed them best (basically true whether using breast or formula). So you can postpone any discussion about the baby coming too until they're a bit older.

I think this might be a waiting game - depending on how good/bad the new baby's father is and how his relationship with your granddaughter's mum weathers caring for a newborn.

They still may want you to babysit GD which is a good way to stay close but you need to fake a caring for new baby. Or other DGPs will just take over.
babies don’t choose their parents

You're being absolutely ridiculous.

This is your son's ex. Who she goes out with is up to her. She is nothing to do with you. It's nice of her to facilitate the relationship between you and your granddaughter. It should really be your son that is doing this but you haven't mentioned him at all in this thread- where is he in all this?

Her next child is nothing at all to do with you, not at Christmas or any other time of year.

It makes sense for your GD to be a bit confused about this, because she is 5. You shouldn't be.

Ok, I’m in a similar situation to a degree. I have 2 children aged 18 and 20 with my ex and twins with my current partner. My exes mum is obviously still part of my life she’s my children’s Nana. She is amazing with my twins and always gets them a little gift for Xmas and birthdays. She was the only person who came to visit them on their birthday last year and my partner has a huge family. It meant a lot to me, the way she sees it is they’re her grandchildren’s siblings so they are important to her too. And we didn’t have the best relationship when I was with her son to say the least. But time has past and we get along great now.
However I can’t speak on the other matter as my partners family have always been pretty shitty with my eldest 2. It’s very obvious they don’t think they need to try with them. That upsets their Nana and she would love for them to want a relationship with them.
if it bothers you maybe you should just put every effort you can in being an amazing grandparent.

This is so hard. Does your son look after his daughter?

I think very civil to buy present for baby when they are old enough.

I wouldn't personally want to look after baby but you might have to accept that dgd may go to new grandparents because its easier if they have both.

Just keep a good relationship going with the mum and dgd

Just to add you sound a little bitter about your ex DIL new family.. Try not to spiral into the thinking of.. They see her for Christmas Day/birthdays ect and she’s not even there grandchild. As your granddaughter gets older you will naturally see less and less of her mum, that’s normal and doesn’t mean you are being pushed out. It is your son’s job to keep relationships between you, him and granddaughter close and connected.

I got that the grandchild has a half sibling - the baby.

Not the same situation at all. However, my husband’s ex wife’s family are lovely to our son that we have together. A gift at birth (primark outfit) and similar at christening / birthdays etc. it goes a long way to my step daughter feeling love for her brother (half brother technically) and acceptance etc. it is good to do what is best for the grandchildren so they don’t feel any animosity etc. it isn’t needed.

My parents give both children pocket money and play games with them equally.

we even agreed to my husbands ex wife taking both children to soft play because his daughter really wanted it. It is all compromises and nothing is perfect.

I think your attitude will push your DIL away from you and towards the grandparents who embrace both her children. It sounds like you’ve taken against the baby because you don’t like its father.

Remember that this is your DGD’s sister or brother. So you might not be a blood relation but the baby is still family.

It's really not. My SD is DD's family and both of them are my family and my husband's family. SD's Mum is not DD's family and neither is her Grandma, they are nothing to do with her. And I am nothing to do with SD's other half brother on her Mum's side.

A step-grandparent is the step-parent of the child's parent or the parent of a child's step-parent. It is not the ex MIL of your parent, or your half sister's grandma.

I agree with this. With family you reap what you sow. Its quite simple.

You're not much of a specialist if you can't fathom this relationship. It's dead simple.

Usually son’s parents would see the grandchild through the son? What level of custody does he have? It’s lovely you help with childcare, it would be unusual for you to have her brother too I certainly wouldn’t feel obligated. But it’s possible if other grandparents are willing to have them together that may be more convenient.

So your granddaughters new half sibling is being born? so a child that isn’t related to you? Why on earth would you be jealous? This child isn’t related to you, very weird behaviour

Granddaughters half sibling is not related in any way to the op. They don’t need to have a relationship

If you’re not related to the newborn what’s the issue?

Because the newborn's grandparents are calling OP's grandkid their grandchild now too, and referring to themselves as OP's grandkid's grandparents.
But... the more the merrier I say! I think it's lovely what they're doing. OP imagine if your grandkid and the baby are around at Christmas, and they get a present for the baby, but for your grandkid they say "no sorry sweetheart you get nothing, you're not ours"?? That would be awful!

Anyway as far as you go, you don't need to have a relationship with the baby except to give it a wave if you see it at drop offs etc. A small token gift might be nice if your grandkid suggests it though, seeing as she's only 5 and doesn't really understand the family tree.

The baby is not related to you so I don't think you need to get involved at all. If granddaughter is asking about you seeing the baby you need to just say you are her granny but baby has someone else as their granny. Show interest in what granddaughter says and how lovely it is for her to be a big sister but you don't need to be involved with the baby at all.

I don't understand why you feel pushed out. What is the arrangement with your son and his ex for custody of granddaughter? If it's 50:50 then it's nothing to do with granddaughters mum how much you see granddaughter as it is down to him whether he brings her to see you. Likewise when it is her mum's time then it is down to mum whether she asks new partners parents to help out rather than you. I am guessing in the past she asked you more as she didn't have anyone else to ask and you need to move on from that. I don't see why any of this needs to be a big problem and you just explain to granddaughter there are now more people to love her.

So they are calling themselves step grandparents to her granddaughter, and this effects op how? Still waiting to hear how this baby relates to op at all and why they are so jealous ?

Well, yes, exactly. You don't need to be jealous OP. You are still her grandparent! They're not pushing you out, they're just being kind.

Op doesn’t need to be involved at all in the baby’s life. I can’t imagine a situation apart from her granddaughters birthday were she would even see the new baby. Why on earth are you expecting to buy presents and Christmas gifts?

Families are made up nowadays of so many possible relationships - dont jeopardize the one you have with your own GD. Especially as kids are often more perceptive than we give them credit for & she may well become aware of your changing attitude to her Mum & step-dad & the new baby sibling.

Just maybe take it as a changing time, both the Mum of new baby & your GD may well in time appreciate time with you as a real respite from everything happening in their house.

I have just 1 GD but she has older half siblings - when they were much younger, yes I was their "spare Grandma", now they are in their late teens we all know that I am (just :) ) their little sisters Gma so I get called "Grandma - myfirstname" & we still have a relationship. I see them, get hugs, send gifts & love to hear their news. Because they are part of my GD's family & I dont wish to lose her to my neediness of only wanting her & not all the others

@Mintyhedgehog who or what is the "step"??? I am still confused!

This is very confusing to explain. But I think the step refers to the new grandparents of the child that was born, calling ops granddaughter, “granddaughter” but meaning step as they are no relation at all.