Child maintenance - am I being unreasonable?

[tm5079]

My partner of 6 years and I have a 6 month old. He has a 12 year old from a previous relationship and pays his ex partner £300 a month plus any extra she asks for. He also spoils his 12 year old when he comes to stay with us like buys him new games or clothes whenever he asks for something. Whilst I 1000% agree and understand that he needs to support his older child too, I feel like he doesn't support our 6 month old as much. Since our baby has been born he's only bought him around 5 tubs of milk so once a month. Me and my partner go halves on all of our joint bills i.e. rent and utility bills and I pay for the car we both use but I struggle financially every month making sure our baby gets everything he needs on my own. I'm the one that makes sure our baby is fed, clothed and I pay for all of his baby groups. I feel like my partner supports his older child more than our own and I do think it's unfair as it's clearly not 50/50. I have obviously tried to talk to him about this but I just get brushed off every single time. Am I being unreasonable to think that it is unfair?

Why are you not simply saying "I need xx for baby milk, clothes etc"?

Did you discuss finances before you decided to have a child together?

Yanbu. He needs to pay for the child you have together too. If he buys his child from a previous relationship whatever he wants then he can pay for the child he's got with you too.

Yes, it was agreed we would still go halves on shared bills which we have always done and he would contribute half towards our child including buying a pram, clothes, crib, formula, nappies etc however he has only bought a few tubs of milk and that's it. I ended up paying for everything else.

You say you go halves on bills - isn't baby food/clothes a bill as well?
Saying that, a 6 month old doesn't "need" the amount of money spent on them as a 12 yr old. Babies don't care if they are in second hand gear (and there are loads of people selling nice quality hardly used baby clothes).

Are you on maternity leave? Do you earn a similar amount? Do you have access to a joint account?

A 12yo is more expensive than a 6 month old tbh.

It does sound like he's going back on your agreement though. You need to talk to him without bringing what he spends on his 12yo into it. They are two separate issues.

So the baby should be in second hand clothes while the 12yr old has new clothes and games?

Go through your outgoings, including what is needed for the baby, and ask him for half. Set up a joint account for household spending, so food, clothes, milk, etc, work out what you both need to put in every month and both set up a standing order. It's only difficult because he's making it difficult, because he doesn't want to contribute. He should be falling over himself to do so. It's not hard to work out.

I have no idea how or why people who have joint children do not have at least partially joint finances.
I have never heard such madness as 'agreeing to go halves' on baby things for a child you have together. Crazy

If you’ve agreed to split baby costs 50/50, get 50% from him.
Make a list of what you spend, with receipts so he can’t wriggle out of it.
Is 50/50 fair for you both, are you on a similar income? If not, it should be adjusted pro rata. Otherwise, one will be skint and the other loaded. His would need to be adjusted for his £300 to his older child.
My DH and I pool all are money, much easier. Although I think a lot of couples don’t do this.
I wouldn’t worry about what he spends on his older child as long as it’s not excessive, it would be more of a red flag if he only paid the minimum he had to.

No I have gone back to work. My partner also earns £42k+ a year whereas I'm only £23k so I don't earn nowhere near as much and yes we have a joint account for our household bills

Yes. Becasue when the baby is 12 and getting new stuff, the now 12-year-old will be 24 and get nothing. Stupid to think equality means literally the same amount all the time.

I feel sad for you and the life you’re going to have with your little one 😔

I presume your work is paying maternity pay so you're able to afford food/clothing/items for your child, along with your usual monthly contributions to bills. Did you struggle each month before baby was born?

Is your partner back at work following paternity leave? Perhaps he's struggling with having to pay his usual 50% bills, payments for his older child and your new baby. Do you use a budget tracker or app? Is he struggling at the end of each month?

You need to have a conversation with each other, tell him you're unhappy and why. Listen to what he says and go from there.

It’s not stupid to expect new things for the baby.

Won’t the CMS payment for the 12yr old reduce, now that the father has an extra child? Or has that reduction already happened??

Yes. A 12 month old doesn't give a shit what they wear.
A 12 year old does.

But if you go halves on bills that has to mean grocery shopping? So baby milk, nappies, wipes, some clothes etc should come out of that. He has to expect that your bills will rise after having another child so you each need to pay more per month towards them?

So all babystuff should be financed by the joint account.

I agree with the PP about drawing up a list of everything you’ve spent on the baby so far and asking you to transfer half the cost.

But also, you know from paying rent and bills yourself that the £300 in CMS that he’s paying for his first child doesn’t go very far in putting a roof over your baby’s head, so you don’t want him to reduce that, he just needs to start paying half of the baby’s costs.

A 12 year old has no idea if his clothes are bought new or used. I do both for my sons and they are none the wiser.

Then you shouldn't be paying bills 50/50.

1. make a note of everything you pay for on top of half the bills and then add it to the bills amount so you know the actual costs per month.
2. He should be contributing 65% of that.
3. do not go part time.
4. make sure you have a good pension and do not stop paying into it. And savings in your own name.
5. do not be default parent with sick days and parenting.
6. look at progressing your career.

You shouldn’t be paying 50% of bills when you earn almost half of what he does. You should be contributing in accordance with income, so no way you should be paying half. As for shopping, baby milk, baby clothes etc, either charge him half every month, or advise he leaves a certain amount each month in the joint account for this. He is taking the P and expecting you to fund the baby. My ex liked to do this, hardly contribute to shopping, clothes for the kids, instead saving his money. Was totally unfair. You need to tell him it has to change or you’re not staying in a relationship where you are taken advantage of financially.

You shouldn’t be paying 50% of bills when you earn almost half of what he does. You should be contributing in accordance with income, so no way you should be paying half. As for shopping, baby milk, baby clothes etc, either charge him half every month, or advise he leaves a certain amount each month in the joint account for this. He is taking the P and expecting you to fund the baby.

This