Child maintenance - am I being unreasonable?

[tm5079]

My partner of 6 years and I have a 6 month old. He has a 12 year old from a previous relationship and pays his ex partner £300 a month plus any extra she asks for. He also spoils his 12 year old when he comes to stay with us like buys him new games or clothes whenever he asks for something. Whilst I 1000% agree and understand that he needs to support his older child too, I feel like he doesn't support our 6 month old as much. Since our baby has been born he's only bought him around 5 tubs of milk so once a month. Me and my partner go halves on all of our joint bills i.e. rent and utility bills and I pay for the car we both use but I struggle financially every month making sure our baby gets everything he needs on my own. I'm the one that makes sure our baby is fed, clothed and I pay for all of his baby groups. I feel like my partner supports his older child more than our own and I do think it's unfair as it's clearly not 50/50. I have obviously tried to talk to him about this but I just get brushed off every single time. Am I being unreasonable to think that it is unfair?

make a note of everything you pay for on top of half the bills and then add it to the bills amount so you know the actual costs per month
That is the important part, stop paying for everything, just ask him for his share.

And even better actually, ask him to buy some of the things himself. He is as capable as you of buying nappies or baby clothes.
I have fallen into this trap with DH, I have to admit, specifically for the clothes. By default I’ll think he won’t know where to start / won’t know what brand to buy / won’t buy the correct size, etc. But really, he manages to buy his own clothes so he would know. And worse case scenario he’ll have to return and re-order, and then he’ll know for next time.

I presume your work is paying maternity pay

OP isn’t in maternity she’s back at work

Why are you paying half the bills when he earns twice as much as you? That isn't fair. Do a budget, so you know how much your household monthly bills are, including nappies, wipes, baby milk, some clothes, etc, and then he pays two thirds of the amount and you pay one third. That's fair.

So have a conversation about splitting your bills based on income. He pays 2/3s and you pay 1/3 as he earns so much more.

Then when you need to by baby something tell him the amount to send you or ask him to buy it outright.

This isn't about his paying for his 12 year old. This is about you subsidizing.

Cms might have made a reduction but doesn’t mean he has to reduce the payments. If he’s paying cms, giving money to the mum when she asks and treating his child he’s definitely paying more than what is required

I would suggest as he earns more, he should pay more, or you both put your wages into a shared account and pay for food and baby things from there. Teenagers cost more than babies (unless you’re paying nursery fees) but he should still be contributing to the baby.

You can't do 50/50 when you have vastly different income and have kids together. It needs to be proportional to income. You can still have personal accounts. If you are determined to have 50/50 and no joint accounts then you have to make him send you 50% of whatever you buy for the baby. And make sure he does 50% of everything at home.

He has two kids, who live in different homes. Both need food and clothes but also somewhere to live, with water, heating etc. £300 goes towards all of that for the 12 year old - he's really not covering £300 for the baby when you factor in the living costs too? Presumably even with the £300 he puts in, his ex also has to cover more than that for the oldest's costs, just as you need to put in for your baby.
Yes things should be fair and you shouldn't be shouldering all of the costs for the baby, those should obviously be included in the household budget, but I can't imagine you'd be better off of you were covering everything and he just chucked £300 your way too.

Surely things like nappies and formula go on the general shop with should be covered jointly. Baby clothes ran again as a joint bill from the joint account.

You need to ignore the actual amount at £300 though as that’s his part of the 50/50 cost of his older daughter which likely isn’t actually 50/50 when you take into account housing and food and clothes etc.

No child 1 bed is much cheaper than a 2 bed alone without gas and electric.

Rambling but basically his not likely supporting either child 50%.

@tm5079why are you going halves when he earns nearly double ?

Why are you splitting everything 50:50 when he earns twice as much? More sensible to contribute to shared expenses proportional to your wage so he pays two thirds and you pay a third.
Did he cover all costs when you were on mat leave?

Isn't baby milk part of weekly shopping bill?
Wouldn't it make more sense to pay percentage depending on wage? So deduct £500 from partners. Compare take home pay and split bills proportionally

Start deducting what he owes for your baby from the amount you put in the joint account and state you need to start putting in proportionate to income.

Why isn't the joint account used for supermarket shops and covering the baby?
Surely buying milk and a lot of baby items (even clothing) would generally come under the supermarket shop which should be coming from a joint account. You should also be using the joint account for other items relating to your baby.
I agree with others that the way you are splitting costs isn't fair and you should be paying less due to the lower income.

He’s taking the piss. How much would you get in child support if you dumped him? I’d strongly consider that. He’s using you and trying to make you feel bad for bringing it up. You’ll start to hate him.

Spot on!
You simply can't compare expenditure of a baby and a 12 year old

use the joint account for all baby related purchases and sort out the ratio being paid in to it.

The child maintenance he pays has to contribute to the home his child lives in. It is not providing more for the older child than the younger one at all, because he is paying a share of all your baby’s living expenses.

baby groups are optional and benefit you more than your baby. Which is fine but it’s your choice to go. If you need more financial support to provide for your baby then talk about that, but don’t compare with his other child because firstly you’re wrong about the money and secondly it’s just nasty. The two children have different circumstances and needs so sadly can’t always be treated the same, but it’s never the kid who has to watch their sibling grow up living with their Dad that is worst off.

Agree here as well my 16 gets a fortune spent on him because his tech and designer heavy.

My 9 year old not so much her Christmas list
tend to come to under £60. I still add more.

However when she’s 16 he certainly won’t be in my ear for a new Xbox or laptop and I won’t be paying his phone bill. I will for her.

Babies apart from if you go crazy on the nursery / pram system are cheap.

Formula so all food for a mere £12 a week what a breeze. Yes there are nappies and wipes but some use, reusable.

It can work if you have a decent partner. My husband and I have different savings and assets and don’t share finances at all. He earns around ⅓ again as much as me (we have no mortgage/debts and plenty of disposable income) when I say nursery fees are due etc, he just plonks an amount into my account which is more often than not more than his fair share. We’ve never once quibbled over money or what’s fair because neither of us take the piss.

I voted YABU purely because it seems to me your partner is paying fuck all for both his children. £300 per month? Piss taker.

Just tot it up and ask him for half on payday.

£300 is not a lot for the parent who the 12 year old lives with.

Im so sorry that you have got such a loser of a partner.

May as well dump him and he can take more responsibility for his baby.

Pick a better dad for your next child

so many threads like this! Why do people have a child with someone out earns them yet won’t pay towards their own child or support their partner, ltb and go through cms you’ll likely be better off without him. Unless he’s a ‘fanatic hands on dad’…🥱

complete madness!!