Child maintenance - am I being unreasonable?

[tm5079]

My partner of 6 years and I have a 6 month old. He has a 12 year old from a previous relationship and pays his ex partner £300 a month plus any extra she asks for. He also spoils his 12 year old when he comes to stay with us like buys him new games or clothes whenever he asks for something. Whilst I 1000% agree and understand that he needs to support his older child too, I feel like he doesn't support our 6 month old as much. Since our baby has been born he's only bought him around 5 tubs of milk so once a month. Me and my partner go halves on all of our joint bills i.e. rent and utility bills and I pay for the car we both use but I struggle financially every month making sure our baby gets everything he needs on my own. I'm the one that makes sure our baby is fed, clothed and I pay for all of his baby groups. I feel like my partner supports his older child more than our own and I do think it's unfair as it's clearly not 50/50. I have obviously tried to talk to him about this but I just get brushed off every single time. Am I being unreasonable to think that it is unfair?

Oh please, come off it!! I dont have any problem buying second hand and did so frequently when my boys were young, but they always knew they werent brand new!

The child maintenance is a red herring. £3600 per year, plus extras and treats is sweet fuck all in the grand scheme of things to cover half the housing, clothing, food, energy costs and other living expenses of a 12 year old.

The issue is this man's failure and refusal to provide adequately for his younger child and to fairly split the costs of living expenses with you. He earns double what you make. You should not be paying the same amount.

A 12 year old requires a lot more than a baby and your partner is right to endsure his 2 year old son does not feel pushed ouut by the new baby. You must have known your partner had a child to support.

But not more than it actually costs to raise a child.

You should not be paying 50% of bills. He is paying an embarrassing amount per month at £300. Sounds like he is very much subsidised by the women in his life.

Equal doesn't always mean the same though. I'd reframe this more in your mind as when your baby is 12, is the standard of living he is giving his ds what you would want for your DC? Dressing the baby in new clothes etc isn't for the baby, it's for you. That's not the same as a 12 year old. Did you have a conversation about how to balance having children with this age gap? Were you expecting his existing child's quality of life to go down?

So can you not use that account for the baby? Surely you buy milk and nappies in with your weekly shop so he pays half of that? What happens when you say "you need to put an extra £50 a month into the joint account to help me cover Fred's costs"

You should sort your finances so that:

you pay proportionately into the joint account to leave you both with the same amount of spending money left (I personally would deduct his CM from what he has gross so he doesn’t end up with nothing or else why would he agree to this set up instead of 50:50)

pay for every child related expense from the joint account.

this is what me and DP do (no maintenance as he has his older kids 50:50, but we both have children from previous relationships and a joint child for whom all expenses come from the joint account).

You need to have a joint account for baby related stuff or a set amount each month

He should also be compensating you for salary and pension you're losing in Mat leave so you have spending money for yourself too

Babies can need loads of formula and nappies etc get expensive so do baby classes!

Who is paying childcare?

He is not paying a huge amount for the older child, I’d say his contribution is OK. You need to separate that from the issue of him not contributing enough towards the baby.

How does that make OP unreasonable?

How do you know that? He’s paying cms to cover his share of bills if you like, and contributing to plenty more on top of that

Running his income through the CMS calculator and adding in the new baby as a dependent shows he is actually underpaying what the CMS calculation would be!

How many "baby clubs" does a 6 month old need?

You do realise that the £300 pm goes towards the rent, bills etc that the 12 year old other parent pays put ie. their living expenses thus in effect your DP is probably paying similar already in your household?

I would suggest you simply have a conversation about household and necessary baby expenses and take or from there but don't frame it as taking away from the support he gives to his child. They were there long before you.

If he's on 42k+ and only paying 300 p/m then he's already paying way below the minimum. My ex declares around 32k and has to pay £340 for 1 child.

Two entirely separate issues here.

1. He is paying a pretty paltry amount to his 12 yo, nowhere near half the costs of supporting him but that's not really your problem or business.
2. He is making you pay 50/50 despite earning double. That, all by itself is a pretty big indication that he is a selfish arsehole..supported by your posts that he doesn't do anything for the baby either. He is not falling down on 2 because of 1. He is falling down on 1&2 because he's a selfish man child who wants all his money to himself.

I'm sorry OP but I confidently predict that unless you put up and shut up with this you'll be a single parent within a year or two at most. You might well be better off financially and you certainly will be in all other ways.

Why are you letting this happen? You would get more money if you split up so have a think what kind of life you want.

Easy. Leave him and claim child support. He is no prince. Why are you paying half. You earn less. Why are you paying more than half?

I pay for the car we both use

Why?

He earns nearly twice as much as you do and he's dragging his feet contributing fairly towards his own baby, and the household he lives in, his support just isn't there.

This is not an accident, it's on purpose. This is not something he doesn't understand. He understands very well what the situation is and he's interested in keeping it as it is, because it benefits him. Not you. Not his baby.

What you do with this is up to you, but it tells you who he is and what his motivations and priorites are. (Himself).

Just add your child’s expenses to the joint account. It’s perfectly reasonable to fund it 50:50 if that’s what you agreed, and recognising that he has other financial commitments.

Unfortunately, he’s always going to spoil the children who don’t live with him more, precisely because they don’t live with him, and therefore he’s trying to make up for that. Natural, if unfair, reaction.

You should be paying for formula, clothes, baby classes, etc from your joint account. He should be paying in about 2/3 of your total household costs each month while you pay 1/3, based on your incomes. If he isn’t contributing enough to your joint expenses, he needs to pay more into the account.

Your child is part of the joint bills. You need to tell him the joint account needs more money putting in. It’s not him buying the odd thing for his dc. It is irrelevant if he pays out for his first kid he should be paying for his new dc. I can’t believe you are letting him.
He’s not just your responsibility because he has another kid to support. Nip this in the bud now he’s taking the piss.
They could have a parents forum just for shitty men and their behaviour. There are too many men like this.

Did you read the full post, it wasn't all that long.

£300 + any extras Mum asks for + clothing/games the kid asks for when he is there.

That is a LONG way off just £300.

Not to say he should not pay it, he should (though buying kids whatever they ask for, whenever is another issue entirely)... and he is a pisstaker, but thats not to do with his older child.

He's a pisstaker because he's earning twice what OP earns and is contributing significantly less to their household income and the costs incurred in raising their child. That needs sorting.

OP - sit down and do a proper budget, income, outgoings, and split it proportionally, with the higher earner paying a higher percentage of the outgoings.