To ask those estranged/NC with their dad: did you have him at your wedding? And if you did, did he give you away?

[MyHeartyBlueShaker]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the tradition of having your dad give you away at your wedding and I wanted to hear from others who are estranged or NC with their fathers. Did you still have him at your wedding? And if so, did he give you away? I imagine it’s a very different experience from the ‘traditional’ setup.

My dad fucked off when my mum was pregnant. Never met him. don’t have any contact details.

Certainly didn’t track him down to invite him to mine. Walked down the aisle myself - didn’t need giving away.

Christ no. It didn’t even occur to me. We were estranged for a reason. He’s dead now and I’ve never regretted cutting contact for a reason.

No I haven’t seen him in over 25 years why would I? Also I wasn’t given away in anyway.

I'm shocked how many people are NC with their fathers. I never had parents and it was a shit childhood. I wonder if it's harder for those of you who did initially have the mum and dad set up then the dad disappeared.

I was estranged from my dad when I got married, I didn't tell him ( or my youngest brother who still spoke to him) & my mom walked me down the aisle. I had a fairly standard ( albeit small) church wedding x

I was eleven when he left and twelve when I cut contact. He was not a nice man and there has never been any aspect of my life where things would have been better if he’d been there.

I’d think it would vary from person to person, rather than situation to situation. I know I sound very cold about it, but it was never difficult for me. Things were shit, but they would have been far, far shittier if I’d had to cope with him too. But I’d understand someone who had never met their father feeling traumatised by that, just as much as I would by someone having a good relationship with their dad, then losing that.

Yes I had my dad there and had him give me away. I shouldn't have, it made the day more stressful for me and felt really false and unnatural. And it annoys me he's in the photo's of me walking down the aisle.
I wanted to do what was “right”.

I was low contact with my dad when I got married, I decided to invite him as I was worried I may regret it in years to come. 15 years on we are now NC and I think if I done it again I probably wouldn't of invited him, though my friends and family were great on the day and kept him away from me! My grandad walked me down the aisle

My mum brought me up and she walked down the aisle with me. There would be no reason on earth which would have made me put a tone (apart from DH) in a more elevated position than her at our wedding.
No one gave me away as I have never been owned.

Edit: just to add, my sister had a man walk her down the aisle for tradition’s sake. She regrets it as it was totally meaningless to her.

We were low contact / strained relationship when I got married, but I did have him give me away. 2 years after I got married I went NC, 10 years later I have never regretted the choice to go NC, but I do regret having him give me away.

One of the benefits of a registry office type of ceremony (at a lovely hotel) meant that we walked in together. No question of anyone giving me away

No, so therefore no.
I walked myself down the aisle (twice, because the photographer was late so we repeated entrance after we were married 😂) - I am not property to be given away or something that requires an exchange of ownership 🙄.
My father didn’t even enter into my head. My husband is also NC with his father - his stepfather, however, was a really important part of our day, for both of us.

Nope. Why would you if you are estranged?
I walked myself down the aisle- strong independent woman message!

My dad was a selfish, abusive arsehole. My mum left him when I was 8 and instead of sticking around for us, he fucked off abroad. He came back to visit once or twice a year until I was 11 I think. Because mum wouldn’t agree to us going on a plane to the UAE by ourselves to visit him, he decided to stop coming to see us. He didn’t put effort into the relationship so why should I 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you for your post. I would have said my children's father was a good one but since I've divorced him, he's shown himself to be a crap one and I realise how much I carried him. Plus the kids are telling me stuff and I want to punch him very hard in his stupid face.

Totally fair enough!

I had a complicated relationship with my dad, who was an alcoholic. We weren’t close and he was a pretty shit dad. But I couldn’t not invite him to my wedding, it would have been too much of a snub and I would have regretted it. I wanted my mum to walk me but felt really awkward not asking him. So I walked myself down the aisle. I was so nervous and almost ran down it!
I think if I did it all over again I would want my mum to walk me. But walking myself was pretty good and it felt right at the time.
You do what you want to, not what others think.

No, and no. I asked my grandfather to give me away instead 🥰

Nope.. absolutey not.
I went no contact for a reason and having him there to ruin my day and make it all about himself was not in my plans.
Luckily we made use of the Covid rulings and booked an intimate town hall wedding at short notice, had four people as witnesses.
And if anyone asked why they weren't made aware or invited Covid was the perfect reason!
Still NC and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t even know I’m married!

God no.

My parents split when I was six and my Mum and I moved away. My father could barely be bothered with me so I visited once a year for a few years then not at all. Any contact he had was to cause trouble and when he heard I was getting married he threatened to show up. It cast a real shadow over my wedding day but he loved all that. Just prior to him dying, about five years ago, his wife tried to encourage a reunion. By this time I barely knew the man, we shared a bit of DNA so decided not to.

My best friend has been estranged from her dad for years. She invited him to her wedding. He never replied, then as she arrived at the venue asked if he’d turned up. He hadn’t. I still cry now just thinking about it and the look on her face. You don’t need that kind of pressure and emotional turmoil on your wedding day. Maybe find some other way to make contact another time, when there’s no risk of him destroying something so precious.

I haven’t seen my “sperm donor” since my 21st birthday. (I’m nearly 40)

My choice. I finally realised I was an adult still hanging around waiting for a “dad” who clearly didn’t put me as a priority. I didn’t even tell him. Saw him a few months later in while shopping. He tried walked around his current GF to hug me but I just looked past him shrugged him off and kept walking. My boyfriend (now husband) was shocked and didn’t know what to do and was just stood there for a moment before running after me. Looking back I would have loved to have watched it happen 😂

So no I did not invite him to my wedding. My mum gave me away.

My sister invited him to hers a few years later but he said he didn’t want to come as it might be awkward. Despite us being in the same place when she had her children christened. I just acted like he was someone I did not know. No drama or anything. Although even if he had have come he would not have given her away. She now no losses to him.

Phases of NC / low contact here. Very strained relationship that he has opted in and out of over the years (more fool me I know).

I invited him and asked him to give me away. He also did a speech that he put zero effort into. If I could do it again I would still invite him but I would have asked my stepdad to give me away and do the speech. It would have been so much more meaningful. My father didn’t deserve to take up so much space in our day.