To think we’ve romanticised marriage?

[TheTipsyFox]

It seems like marriage is often portrayed as the ultimate goal for happiness and stability but does it really live up to the hype? Are we overselling the idea of marriage as this fairy tale ending, when in reality, it’s just another relationship with its own ups and downs? AIBU to think we’ve romanticised marriage to the point where it’s viewed as the only path to success or fulfilment?

I don’t think so. Motherhood is romanticised more than marriage I think.

I don’t think marriage has been romanticised in this way at all.

I'd agree it is. Look at the amount of money people are prepared to sink into their wedding days and some of the batshit bridezilla behavior that goes on.

I think, subconsciously, it's the ultimate 'pick me' for a lot of women.

I think what you mean is idealized, not romanticized. I agree it was idealized a lot in the past but as falling marriage statistics show, that is changing. As a married mother I agree with PP that motherhood is overly romanticized and idealized, but I think that’s changing too.

It's obviously steeped in so much history that it is a significant part of all cultures. I don't know if it's romanticised. Love is romantic, hopeful and optimistic. Maybe it's inevitable that the concept of marriage and the happily ever after will be.

I saw a post the other day where someone said that marriage is a battlefield and I felt so sad for them that that was their reality. That's fucking tragic and sounds like the poster was under the illusion that marriage is mandatory and conflict inevitable. That's not my experience, maybe i'm lucky, maybe she's unlucky, or maybe marriage is individual, not a monolith.

I think it’s becoming less so - I know a lot of people, including myself, who view marriage as a useful legal contract. Marriage itself makes no difference to how I view my relationship (together for 15 years, married for 10) but it has some practical advantages.

It’s my 29th wedding anniversary today and I’m sure we would have had the same ups and downs regardless of whether we were married or not.
29 years in we are happy and stable.
Is it luck, hard work, sheer bloody mindedness, love?

No, but the "big" day is. I money I see getting spunked on just one day is ridiculous.

Congratulations on 29 years - that’s no small thing. I think your comment actually illustrates my point in a way: the success of a long-term relationship seems to come down to all the things you mentioned - not the institution of marriage itself. Whether it’s love, effort, or sheer determination, it’s the substance that matters more than the label.

I think we romanticise life, not just marriage. Probably explains why resilience, in the main, is rock bottom.

I think it depends on where you are and/or what media you consume. In America I would say yes for women especially. That's why I believe you often hear " being a wife is all she ever wanted". Since she was a young girl all she wanted was to be married and be a sahm ( no discussion about how for many women without Federal maternity leave and other structures it's near impossible to be a working mum. That it's nor always a real choice. But I degress). I have even heard parents talk about how from the moment their daughter was born they've been looking forward to walking her down the aisle. Almost always I hear this am Americans. In a way it's the wedding and motherhood even in these cases more than marriage per se

It's very useful for the financial security if you're the lower earner/have fewer assets. It's a very cost effective contract if you just get married for this reason

The divorce rate in the UK is actually lower now than it has been for the past 50 years. So if marriage is more likely to be successful now maybe that's a good reason to romanticise it?

This is an interesting topic. Society has had an influence on the day itself, and I think there are also expectations, comparisons with friends / peers etc.

As a man, I used to listen to all my married friends asking why I should be happy (when single) when they are all miserable (I hope they were joking).

What I actually found out when I met my wife was that my life became better in ways I couldn't imagine. We didn't have a big ceremony (neither of us are religious), but I wanted to have the contract so to speak, in order to demonstrate that I would happily share everything I have and am with her.

In my case any romantic notion I may or may not have had of what married life would be like (and to be honest, I didn't give it much thought) isn't anywhere close to the reality and how good it actually is.

I completely agree with this but would go further and say the whole ideal is as follows;
Boy meets girl
They marry
They get a dog
They have children
And live happily ever after in the big house with the white picket fence and all the furnishings they adore from the White Company

The whole concept is wrapped up in a pretty bow and once that "present" is opened I think many find that it's not all it's hyped up to be.

That’s a fair point and I’ve seen those stats too. But I wonder if the lower divorce rate is partly because fewer people are getting married in the first place or waiting until later when they’re more certain. Maybe that means we’re becoming more realistic about marriage, not necessarily more romantic about it? I’m not anti-marriage, I just think the cultural messaging around it still tends to paint it as the “ultimate” life goal, which feels a bit outdated.

A Wedding Day has been commercialised as a stand alone thing, for sure.

I love my marriage. Sometimes i feel like we're almost one person. We fight often and love deeply. Marriage and family has given so much meaning to my life, it's by far the best thing i've ever done.

Yanbu, I am extremely cynical and sceptical about the whole marriage industry although I believe in the institution for financial protection for couples who don't have equal incomes for whatever reason. But a civil partnership would have done me, had it been available when I got married.

HOWEVER, as with most of these open ended "let's have a heated debate" popular frothing topic type questions we get on AIBU all the time these days - I do wonder why it has been asked by a first time poster?

Interesting to see people’s thoughts - I never wanted to be a wife, or have a wedding day or a marriage. It’s such an important aspiration to so many so I do wonder why I’m different.

I can't speak for others, but my now DH and I, (mainly me), only had arguments when were we dating. This was for 8yrs before we got engaged. I'm not religious, but wanted the stability and commitment of marriage before TTC. Once we were married, we have very rarely had any quarrels at all!

We married after 9yrs of dating and still together after 24yrs. For some, marriage is the glue that keeps them together.

I think yes marriage is still seen as an "end goal" for many women. There are often threads here stating OP wish to marry, looking to have a family and so on. Women have equal rights, but still seem to carry the burden of housework, childcare and so on. Weddings have grown into a Hello type of occasion with thousands spent on 1 day.A friends DS had a helicopter to fly her to her reception in the countryside. A year later they were getting divorced!

Marriage was always romanticised. Men wanted sex and they wanted offspring, especially wealthy men, not saying many women didnt want those things too, but marriage was a big gamble for women as in the good old days you were basically at the mercy of your husband who now owned you, then there was the dangers of childbirth. Keeping women financially dependent on men was a good start, and to make it more attractive it was romanticised so that women felt honoured to be chosen and proposed to, rather than fearful of their fate. I guess I am a cynic.

In my family, and among some people who used to be friends, whatever professional achievements I make will never take from me the failure of being divorced (and childless but that’s a whole other thread).

Nothing new. Probably at least for 100 years.