To think we’ve romanticised marriage?

[TheTipsyFox]

It seems like marriage is often portrayed as the ultimate goal for happiness and stability but does it really live up to the hype? Are we overselling the idea of marriage as this fairy tale ending, when in reality, it’s just another relationship with its own ups and downs? AIBU to think we’ve romanticised marriage to the point where it’s viewed as the only path to success or fulfilment?

This. ^

I’m finding more and more people, even the younger generations, are in relationships longer than ever. Most couples I know have been together a long time, the lowest is 22 year olds who are now around 29/30 and they have been together 7 years.
Most are married but as relationships seem to be stabilising in general (maybe because two incomes are needed instead of one for a decent family life) I think it’s not romanticised, but remains a goal many people desire due to logical reasons.

What about wanting kids? That's apparently a good (financial) reason to do it. (Childfree unmarried Mumsnet reader here.)

I think this is a really interesting topic that is rarely discussed.
I was married for 45 years until my husbands death. I loved him, passionately in the beginning, begrudgingly in the tougher years, devotedly in middle life, and companionable towards the end.
I will never regret what we had, I did love him, and arguments aside, was happy and never seriously thought of separating.
BUT.... I'm not sure it's natural to tie yourself to one person for the whole of your life.
How many times do we see posts on here about friendships naturally changing, ending - and we expect that.
So, yes, we do romanticise marriage. Its really weird, when you think about it, that we stick with one person through thick and thin, ups and downs, when, with anyone else we'd have simply moved on.

I had a long and happy marriage. But intellectually it makes no sense, and in all honesty, if I had my time again, I would think twice....

I think one of the reasons the divorce rate is dropping is because people actually can't afford to divorce. Much like they couldn't prior to the 1970s. Back then it was because women often did not earn enough to run a household alone, and now it's because neither party can.

I’d actually argue the opposite, marriage is less romantic than ever but more necessary than ever for financial/legal reasons- especially if you are a woman & having children with that man.

Do I think marriage makes a relationship perfect? No. But would I have had children with my husband if we weren’t married? Nope!

Agree.

I don’t think I know anyone who has ever thought it’s the ONLY path to success and fulfilment. There’s career, kids, homes, personal goals – they all form part of that. My marriage is certainly one the best things about my life however.

I don't think it's realised how much hard work it would be and how you should be more careful how compatible you are. Also long marriages are hard work feom both of you and just luck imo.

Marriage is falling out of fashion, and I think that’s a problem especially for women. Marriage is, at heart, a legal contract and it’s the only one that protects women when they either stop or reduce work to raise children.

there is nothing romantic about being financially dependent on someone who has no legal obligation to provide for you.

i was brought up by very un-romantic parents. My mum always encouraged me to have a ‘running away’ fund, which I kind of did for some years. Never had to use it 😬 and we’ve been married 21 years now.

Marriage can often be hard work. Being "in love" normally dies down and you are left with a deeper love (hopefully) and /or friendship and companionship.

I don't think we choose our marriage partners wisely very often, hence the very high divorce rates.

I think the milestone of marriage is constantly held up as some sort of achievement… whereas imo it is a matter of luck. You’re lucky if you meet someone you can team up and do life with. Those of us on non-conventional timelines I feel are regarded as behind in some way. Tired of marriage being regarded as an achievement rather than a choice!

Yes, I think this. The older I've got, the more I realise how difficult and relatively rare it is to be happily married long term. There are just so many factors that need to align to stay genuinely happy and united. Changing and growing at a similar pace, continuing to like and be attracted to each other as you age and change (both in looks and in personality), to be aligned on parenting, finances and household responsibilities. To be able to stay united during stressful and hard times. To keep your marriage in focus, when there are so many distractions. To do all that, year after year, decade after decade. Some of it's down to work and effort, but some of it's luck. Because we can't possibly anticipate all that life will throw at us or how we will change over time or how we will react to it all.

I think most people appreciate the legal and practical benefits. Might stop so many new homes having to be built on green land too.

I think there's so much stuff I've read now in the press that is against marriage that the thrill of a proper commitment is totally undermined. I'd say the romance is minimised and undermined currently

Getting married has always been expensive but now with social media it's off the scale, once some people liked to keep up with the Joneses, now it's trying to ape the Beckams, Rooneys, Will and Kate, people for whom money isn't an issue. I wonder how many marriages fall apart from the stress of having to pay for all the wedding costs?

Not sure really, I think it’s far less common now for women to want to be married. For many it’s a vehicle to a stable life to have a family within perhaps. I don’t know anyone who’s made marriage their number one goal, more like met someone and then got married. I do think for some families the idea is that once their kid gets married they have someone to look out for them and thats why they want to see their kids settled down.

No i just think as the years go on people use their brains less and dont know how to think

Some may romanticise it or idealise it. Others do not.

Having watched my dm waste a huge part of her life in an unhappy marriage, I've taken great pains to avoid it. No-one needs a ring or a dress to be happy..

I feel the complete opposite, I remember everyone saying how hard all the sleepless nights etc would be and painting a picture of motherhood being really hard where I've found it the most amazing, natural thing in the world.
Marriage however not as harmonious as I was led to belive

This is so sad! I hope you’ve found YOUR VERSION of happiness. I also think divorce shows strength, it usually means you left a relationship that wasn’t right.

In my social circle, marriage isn’t seen as an achievement as such. I think it’s seen more as luck and choice. Weddings are extortionate so some of our friends haven’t bothered. Most of us lived together and had children before marriage. I think that meant that not much changed when we did get married.
My young adult certainly doesn’t aspire to be a wife.

I think it's quite telling that most widows have no interest in getting married again, where as different for widowers.

I’d say nowadays it’s quite the opposite. Independence is promoted as opposed to interdependence generally. Expensive, flashy insta weddings are in, but that’s just about the actual day. Being openly negative and disrespectful about one’s husband is celebrated.

All I know is, if you carefully consider who you are marrying, then life is 100% better. My husband is the best person I have ever met. We’ve been together almost 16 years, married for almost 11. My life with him has been better in every way imaginable. He had shown far more loyalty towards me than many members of my own extended family. I would miss his friendship, emotional support, sense of humour, calmness, sense of perspective and equally committed care of our children immensely.

Marriage is hard work at times and I think so many couples enter into it thinking it's going to be all rainbows and roses. They just don't see the difficult parts of it - perhaps they don't want to?
I was married at 24 and this is my biggest regret in life - I was so bloody naive and didn't even consider how hard it would be to get out of, especially when children involved.
I'm now 44 and have been remarried for three years and this time I went into it with my eyes wide open. I embrace both its ups and downs but then they were expected this time around.
My niece is getting married this summer - she's 22 and her fiance has just turned 21. I don't think they have any idea whatsoever about what marriage really means but it's their choice ateotd.