I make the decisions-elderly parent

[Hereforthekickz]

My DM is 83. Lives alone and is very independent. She is a very capable woman.

We get along okay. I live close by and visit once a week and constantly converse via WhatsApp. I work full time and have a t
14 year old and a husband. She can be difficult at times, very sensitive, quite selfish.

I received some money recently and gave her a few thousand pounds. She doesn’t have much money and needed things for her home and to help her in her older age. I gave it to her without strings. She said she would like to use some to replace old/damaged things in her home such as a new carpet, some blinds for her bedroom etc. I have spent every weekend taking her to carpets shops etc helping her source these things. I even went and painted her bedroom despite she could have paid decorator. I suggested this but she wouldn’t have anyone come so I did it and put up a blind for her etc.

My issue is this - she also expects me to make all the decisions. Take the blind, she doesn’t know what sort to have so I gave her advice and recommended a company I have used many times. They come out to measure and give advice but she still wants me to decide for her. I politely told hers her that I can give advice but the decision has to be hers. It’s her home, not mine and she has to live with it. The man is coming tomorrow re. the blind and I have offered to be there in case she didn’t want to be in her own with him. She has sent me a very snotty message saying
It’s ok.thank you. You won’t be giving me any advice will you? If your answer is yes then I would like you to come but I know you don’t like giving advice

She does this with everything. So not only am I doing the work, I am choosing everything and it’s exhausting. I am also having a lot of work done in my own home and making most of these decisions. DM is very manipulative and in all honesty, would be classed as having some narcissistic tendencies.

I was just trying to do something good but wish I hadn’t bothered.

Sorry just further - I have a brother who lives some distance and he has visited once since Christmas despite not working and being able to drive. I don’t have a problem taking her to shops to look at the furniture etc she wants but it’s the decision making for her that’s getting me really down. When I have tried to but in some boundaries, she gets difficult. I sent the message a week ago but it’s obviously been in her mind. She hates it when I say no to something. She has to have me do everything for her despite she could easily have paid a decorator to paint her bedroom.
rant over!!!

When we get old we seem to lose the ability to make decisions. Sounds like thats whats happened. You need to ask your brother to get his finger out and help more as you can’t do it all.

Is she assuming that you need to like the choices as you will inherit the house at some point?

It's not an ideal situation and I can see how it is really frustrating.

Her message doesn't even really make sense to me.

I do a lot for everyone including elderlies, adult DC, grandchild etc. if it were my mum I’d do the thinking for her, but honestly because it’s less exhausting that all that dithering. Just pick the most neutral carpet and blind and suggest that. I wouldn’t for anyone else though as I don’t have the energy and whatever I choose would be wrong later 🤣

Just chose a non offensive blind for her, saves any upset. Or does your mum just want your input, what you like? She may just want a discussion to help her decide

Choose the most ridiculous, exotic, bizzarre, horrible stuff you can find.

She'll soon stop asking.

I would go make the designs and see this project thru to completion. Then don’t take on any more. Make very neutral choices in terms of color and style for carpets and blinds as surely she can “decorate” with other not so long term accessories. Then no more money or help with decorating. It is frustrating in both your brother won’t help and your dm has decided to have you do both the physical and mental work of the redecorating. If you are doing both houses you can get burned out making decorating decisions I too experienced this. If she complains anout the choices in the future say….how ungrateful of you dm. You were asked many times to choose what you liked best and refused to make a solitary decision I did my best for you. And remember narcissists are rarely grateful or appreciative (IME)

I have just given in with mine. I choose every single thing. The key is to put minimal effort in.
Blinds? Neutral colour. Carpet? Beige. Paint? Off white? Shopping for the week 7 random ready meals and 2 bottles of wine.

Thanks everyone.
It’s not just the colour of the blinds, it’s everything so what type of blind, what bedding to go with blind and curtains. It’s everything really.
Its a council house @Hillrunning
I am willing to give some general advice because I know it’s difficult as you get older but she will take the advice and make a decision and then she changed her mind and wants me to make the decision all over again. She has also blamed me in the past when I have made a decision for her so I am reluctant.
The conversations about these things goes on for weeks sometimes.
I should have known what it would be like when I gave her the money. There have been times in the past where I have limited contact with her because she has been manipulative and controlling in her behaviour of me. She loves it now because she has my undivided attention.
It’s my fault, I should have known and left it well alone.

I absolutely understand it's irritating, but it's due to cognitive decline. She can't help it.

Have you tried to liaise with your brother about your mother and her demands? Your set up is sounding depressingly familiar, OP.

@Cillaere well that’s another issue. My brother is something else. He stopped speaking to me a year ago because I forgot to download the only app he insists on using to communicate. I got a new phone and just forgot. He sent me a text (which he always had access to) to absolutely berate me about it. It was the craziest, lengthy message ever! In it he made the assumption that I didn’t want to speak to him and told me that he didn’t want anything to do with me again.
He is my 1//2 brother and not many people like him. He is beyond rude and arrogant but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. He is also very jealous of me. No idea why as I don’t have anything.
I took this as a way out in all honesty. When my father died 6 months ago, he sent a card and I thanked him by text.
Thats the last contact I have had with him so I don’t ask him for any help with DM.

@Lavenderandbrown it’s not just 2 houses either at the moment, its a new job too😳 Stressed 😣 I need some boundaries 🤪

I understand, OP. I suppose that it is easier to know for a fact that he won't help at all further down the line, when the inevitable starts to happen with your mother. All I can advise is to try to get out of her what kind of future she wants for herself if she should become incapacitated I can guess already what her expectations will be. Just be prepared for her to have a fall or something, and suddenly you will be needed a lot more. Have a plan for yourself in terms of what you will and will not offer her in the future.

edited because I missed out a word

I really don't see your issue here. Choose something bland or plain for your mum and tick the box as 'done and dusted'.

I also don't see why your husband isn't contributing to decisions on his own home.

I have the opposite problem with my own mum, who has extremely specific ideas about what she wants, none of which are affordable or doable - she held out for years for an antique-looking brass dustpan, and used tatty sides of cereal boxes as makeshift dustpans instead.

With all due respect, she is 83 years old. I know it is tough going for you but it is what it is.

@mathanxiety my DH does contribute but he also looks to me to make most decisions.

Also, it’s not the colour she needs me to decide, it’s everything. This is one of the texts she sent, one of many over several weeks…

Ist your advice please just try to picture floral curtains. Do you think roman or roller or Venetian? I know you can’t say for definite I understand that but just try to picture in your minds eye the floral curtains . I know what I think. I just want to see if you think the same I promise I won’t hold it against you if I choose the wrong one. I thought roller but when I told the man from the shop he said ‘I thought you were having a Roman you do know they are a lot more expensive and I said money is not a problem.
So what do you think. What about the day And night blinds,. I just thought that a Roman might look a bit too fussy with curtains oh I don’t know you know me indecisive as usual

Its everything, choosing a colour for her is the easy bit!

@Yolo12345 what has that got to do with anything? She is 83 and getting plenty of advice and help from me. Does that mean that I can’t feel exhausted and overwhelmed by it?

Just taking those messages out of context I would say you're being reactive and it doesn't require any more than "happy to advise but it's still your money and your decision". But I get it, all the baggage makes it much more complicated than that and unless you have experienced the manipulation it is difficult to convey the impact.

Decision making can get incredibly difficult at times - I have experienced that with depression myself and I can easily imagine old age could do it too. I wonder if the fact you gave her the money makes it worse, like she feels she ought to get your approval on how she spends it. And maybe she is used to having to agree it with a partner.

I think I'd go with trying to squash the decision support into as small a box as possible rather than trying to hand it "back" to her. If you push her to decide she will probably umm and ahh for so long it'll still bug you. You could try to ring fence the choice by using a formula like cream or white with her favourite colour, keep mainly to plain fabrics with one patterned one in the room, stick to off the peg rather than bespoke curtains, and saying you'll come and advise on the day but refuse to spend any of your own evenings researching paint colours etc.

Blinds will be fine in cream or white. If she wants to pick up another colour in the room, going for a lighter shade of it would be more forgiving than trying to match exactly, and more current. But I do appreciate you are really looking for parent handling rather than decor tips.

Oh OP, you’re getting a hard time here but I totally understand what you mean.

I’m going through similar with my 81 year old mother who is getting her bathrooms renovated. Endless conversations about which type of taps, shower tray to choose, and dear god the decisions about the tiles…

I think it’s because they don’t have much else going on in their lives, so it becomes all consuming. I have some patience for it, but like yours my mother seems to want me to make decisions for her. It’s frustrating because I know her well enough to know that I’ll be at the receiving end of criticism if it ends up being something she doesn’t like.

It’s like learned helplessness or something I dunno, I find it draining.

@Garbera thats great advice and thank you.

I have spent hours in an evening after work or at the weekend because she wants me to find a new table, chairs, mobility aids etc etc

I am just feeling very overwhelmed with her decisions and my own, not to mention a new job that’s very demanding.

I do understand that she needs help and support but It’s all getting on top of me. I say nothing to a bit of advice but she doesn’t know what she wants and I end up with the burden of deciding. She is a very manipulative person and I am scared to make these decisions. Also, she wants me heavily involved because that keeps be close. She has a son and he is never asked to help. I get very frustrated with this.

@HornyHornersPinkyWinky I don’t think it’s learned. All my DM has ever wanted was to be heavily involved in my life, in a way that’s not healthy. She doesn’t like me doing anything without her. She has been great since I have been helping with the house because she is getting her wishes fulfilled.

I don’t mind helping, she is my DM but it’s constant and, when I have other things going on in my life, I find I get overwhelmed. She knows I am having 2 bathrooms renovated, my daughter sitting exams, tradespeople coming to give quotes, a new job the list goes on. I haven’t spent anytime with my DH or DD because of this. But she still wants me to go down tomorrow after work to help her decide the blind! Arghhhhhhh

take today for example, I usually go to visit her today but asked if I could miss a day so me and my DH could do some decorating. She has been messaging me all day instead!

“Hi mum, roller as easier to pull up and down and no tangled strings, also cheaper, you can get blackout and they wipe clean”

xx

@TimeForATerf thanks. It’s easy really. I get that. I am just feeling really overwhelmed and stressed by life at the moment.