I've been trying to put my finger on why I am feeling so..... I don't know quite how to put it - unsettled, aggrieved, paranoid? About a situation that is completely out of my control, and which is unlikely to have a direct affect on me, for which I realise my privilege of course. My anger and fear for ordinary people caught up in this and the horror if it all is disproportionate and one might possibly suggest I am narcissistic or "making it all about me" or virtue signalling, - and I will accept that, but this is the only place I'll be voicing my thoughts on this because I accept they're completely unimportant.
However, I've just had a bit of a light bulb moment. I know where these feelings are coming from.
I've posted on here on threads about the unfortunate experience I had with SS when my DS was a baby, and the psychological number it did on me. And this is where it's coming from.
Bear with me.
So, I was falsely accused of harming my son, and it went through the courts for 18 months until it resolved in my favour, albeit remaining under a strong cloud of suspicion.
The bit that is resonant is this.
Every time we went to court, we'd wait for our slot in the corridor outside. DP and I had a solicitor each, as we weren't married, as that's how it worked at the time. Each solicitor at one point tested the ground to see if we'd turn on each other, or come to an agreement so only one of us would pursue getting custody of our son.
Our DS had his own solicitor and a Guardian Ad-Litem, who would often apply pressure for us to come up with "an answer" for what had happened, but, importantly, that answer had to be acceptable to the courts. And as we honestly didn't know, anything we presented via research etc was rejected by a succession of experts on "the balance of probabilities".
It was a complete nightmare, and we came really close to losing our son.
But the point I'm trying to get to is this - we'd sit in that corridor, and the solicitors (including the LA solicitor) would get into a huddle and essentially decide what was going to go before the judge. Going by what we could overhear, there was alot of out of work socialising they would engage in my, as you would in a any particular professional circle. References would be made to such and such a dinner, or law related event they'd attended, occasionally the Judges name would crop up, and it was perfectly clear that alot went on "behind the scenes" as it were, in terms of "steering cases".
The way they chatted, their jovilality, their bonhomie used to drive me insane. I was in my mid 20s, fairly naive, and it was wrong, wrong, wrong, that I was essentially just a puppet in what felt like a game or intellectual exercise, a piece of theatre dependent on things I had to submit to, yet had fuck all control over. This was my entire life dammit, this was real, and I'd even got told off for taking things too personally, or being arrogant for challenging things that were wrong - that was nit-picking.
Don't get me wrong, my solicitor was on my side and got the right result, but the process and the machinations were a painful revelation. And all the while, I had to "get on with my life", "trust the system" and preferably keep my mouth shut, as it got pretty boring for everyone else after a while.
No, I don't think Iran is me in this situation.
I think possibly all the ordinary people, just trying to live, and protect themselves and their families, are experiencing a version of this, obviously on a much more devastating scale. The sense of being at the mercy of people / regimes / governments. Trying to remain true to values, having to bend to survive. Being helpless while those in charge of your fate "negotiate" behind closed doors over fine dining and cigars, being told it's all too complicated for people to understand , trying to figure out "the right side of history" and having to sacrifice principles or beliefs long ingrained to be allowed to have a semblance of life, or to protect your children.
All of this is I think what's really bugging me, alongside of course the fear of escalation and the inevitable destabilisation of the economy and likely security breaches.
My position, in case anyone wonders, can't get past "it's wrong to brutalise and kill people for any reason" with the inevitable underpinning of "yeah, but self-defence". So just make it stop. But not at any cost.
If you've got this far, and think I'm talking out of my arse, that's fine I'll take it.
TLDR: Does anyone else feel like the naughty children banished to the garden while the grown ups decide our fate and drink gin while they're doing it?