To think it’s reasonable to just not work anymore for a while?

[Hadebbough]

DP works away Monday morning to Saturday morning. There’s no way around this at the moment, there might be in a few years.

We have a 2.5 year old DD. I do everything all week along with a full time job. I drop her at nursery at 8am and collect at 5, then drive home and do meal and bedtime etc.

I realise I’m not the only person to do this and DP really takes over at the weekend from midday Saturday to Monday morning but honestly I’m exhausted and fed up with it. I feel angry and frustrated most of the time. I earn good money (around 4,500 a month after tax) and I am used to doing what I want financially. I worry that I won’t cope well without earning much but at the same time I honestly feel close to breakdown with having to keep going as I am.

I have some savings that bring in around 300 a month and DP is a high earner and puts 1,500 in a joint account that I can use during the month for me and DD. I keep thinking perhaps this in total would be enough if I didn’t do much and it would give me the downtime I need. I can’t do it all and I constantly feel like I’m failing no matter what I do or what I choose. What would you do?

Maybe consider the middle ground of part time rather than all or nothing.

You say your DH is a high earner but do your outgoings actually allow you to have £4500 spare a month at the minute?
I can’t see how you would “do less” to spend money with being off all week vs being in work all week.
If you aren’t easily saving £4k at the minute I don’t see how you would realistically drop an income.

Would you still be putting your DD into nursery so still be paying those costs ? Coz if not how much you would be saving surely would be a big chunk of your wages ?

Don't give up your job because you are burnt out. You might feel a bit cut adrift and frustrated when you want to return. Try to take a week annual leave/ stress leave whilst DD is at nursery and rest then form a plan.

Get all the paid help you can as you have a decent income. Meals delivered (can get healthy ones), laundry service, cleaner etc so that everything you do with your little one is quality time only you can provide and not an endless list of chores...

Unless you hate your job, then take a couple of years off then work out what you want to do and do a job you enjoy...

So £1800 a month to live off ? Is this to pay for food and bills or after paying for those things?

If it's after, you have tons of money - and don't really get why you need to bring £4k a month

Also to add, no don’t quite your job to make up for your husband’s lack of involvement when he isn’t sharing his finances with you.
Him transferring you a bit of pocket money isn’t viewing you as an equal.

Your toddler won't be 2.5 forever, and you might want to enjoy the time with her, or you might be thinking of having more children?

I’d go part time or find a job where you can if your current one doesn’t allow it.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Go part time if they will allow it. Three days a week would be ideal. I had to work full time as a nurse as a single parent from when my DS was 6 weeks old, short maternity leave in the 1980s. I just let my standards drop. You can't do it all.

You and/or DH go part time

and/or a nanny rather than nursery so you are not doing the morning/evening scrambles.

Don't give up a good career unless you 100% know you can take a year or two out and step back in when you want to.

Can you pay for some help at home? A nanny/housekeeper that can pick your child up, do some housework etc?

Do you have a cleaner to lighten the load?

Can you get a regular babysitter on a week night to allow you to go the gym/meet friends for an hour?

I personally wouldn't quit work but use the money to find other help. You taking more time off just means you are more isolated with a young DC and no DP around.

One of the nursery staff might be open to an evening babysitting for a couple of hours.

Do not give up your job and independence entirely op! Can you negotiate with work a bit to go down to theee or four days? Or employ a nanny two nights a week? Or a baby-sitter to give you x 2 of 3hrs a week free. £4,500 after tax is a great wage and to go from that to much less would be a very difficult transition.

This. The monthly "payment" from the high earning partner to the lower (albeit well paid) partner does not sound like a set up of two equals where money is pooled at source. Why on earth would you be worrying about having to use your income from your savings, if you jointly decide that the current arrangements mean it is not feasible for you to work?

I absolutely would not give up a well paid role in these circumstances and this economic climate. In fact I think you'd be crazy to do it. Look for other ways to make your life easier, you've effectively got £4500 to play with here. And have a serious talk about pooled finances.

That’s a very good point about it being more isolating and intense as a sahm. It might not feel like as much of a relief as you expected Op, although the pace would be much slower.

Wouldn't you be better paying for help at home? Whether it's a nanny or home help, cleaner etc? I think it would be a mistake to give up your job, career and pension and be solely dependent on your H and his income.

4.5k to 1.5k is quite a difference. Plus you aren't married, what about part time? How easy is it to get back into your career?

Don't give up a well paid job. This is the difficult time in a parent's life, when parent's are working all hours whilst raising young ones. It passes, but the job market is unreliable.

So your H gets to do whatever he wants and you’re under so much stress you end up leaving work entirely? That sounds really far from an equal partnership. Can you not talk to him about changing his work pattern? Could he WFH Mondays and Fridays and travel 3 days per week?

Is your husband going to be paying the bills? If so then nearly 2k a month disposable should be ok I think? It's way more than most people.

Or is there any way you could just vastly scale back your work but still do a few hours a month on something, just to keep you in the game and give you that bit of extra income?

You sound like you're burning out.

Would it be possible to take, say a month of parental leave to give you a bit of space to think? As a pp said, there is a middle ground here and you could work part time.

Agree with some of the above suggestions - a nanny might work better for you at the moment. Or part time? I work 3 data a week and it is perfect for me. You are doing a lot!

£4500 earned every month AND you're not married do not give up work

Find ways to get the chores done for you but don't give up work

Why not go part time?

My partner works away regularly for up to three weeks at a time (including weekends) and it is haaaaaard! After about 18 months of working full time I thought I might lose my mind - I dropped down to 4 days and kept my DD in nursery on that day so I had some time to myself and it’s much better.

it feels like a bit of indulgence to put my DD in nursery on a day that I’m not working but it’s just what I need to do for my sanity.

sounds like you and dp need to have a conversation on how to make the Monday to Saturday work for you as a family. I agree with PP that you need to think about hired help or nursery placements etc to help with the load.

A few months parental leave or sabbatical might do you some good if your job allows it but (without knowing what you do or how easy it is to return to work etc) you should really think twice about leaving a good role with a good salary as well as giving up your pensions/national insurance contributions.