To think it’s reasonable to just not work anymore for a while?

[Hadebbough]

DP works away Monday morning to Saturday morning. There’s no way around this at the moment, there might be in a few years.

We have a 2.5 year old DD. I do everything all week along with a full time job. I drop her at nursery at 8am and collect at 5, then drive home and do meal and bedtime etc.

I realise I’m not the only person to do this and DP really takes over at the weekend from midday Saturday to Monday morning but honestly I’m exhausted and fed up with it. I feel angry and frustrated most of the time. I earn good money (around 4,500 a month after tax) and I am used to doing what I want financially. I worry that I won’t cope well without earning much but at the same time I honestly feel close to breakdown with having to keep going as I am.

I have some savings that bring in around 300 a month and DP is a high earner and puts 1,500 in a joint account that I can use during the month for me and DD. I keep thinking perhaps this in total would be enough if I didn’t do much and it would give me the downtime I need. I can’t do it all and I constantly feel like I’m failing no matter what I do or what I choose. What would you do?

Is your partner ok with covering your costs, including pension contributions, if you stop working? Just not working sounds great but you may feel isolated and I don’t think life feels any better if you just have the domestic grind to deal with.

Use the money to outsource as much as possible. Get a cleaner/housekeeper one day a week and they can clean, change bedding, put clean clothes away, wait in for a tradesman - that's a big chunk of stuff you can then forget about.

Use Gousto for meals then you don't have to think (other than ordering it in the first place).

You're not married and don't appear to have joint money. Unless DP wants you to be a proper partnership you can't afford to give up work.

I wouldn't be happy in your situation. When do you get quality time with your DD for a start?

I'd look to move to 2-3 days a week at work.

That way you could maintain some financial independence but have some downtime and more time with your DD too.

I did a combo of nursery and nanny, rather than the grind of 5 days dropping/picking up, helped as not racing out of door every morning and DC getting chilled time at home when young then when older nanny did days out. as per PP hire in as much domestic help as possible.

can you reduce your hours?

I’m a SAHM who gave up a decent career to be home with my kids, so I’m not someone against people being home with their children. But I did it with someone I was a) happily married to and b) financially equal to - we have one account where his salary is paid and we both spend from it. I wouldn’t give up my financial independence to enable the career of a partner I wasn’t married to and had no claim on if we split, nor would I ever tolerate being given pocket money like a child. And DH was completely on board - you can’t unilaterally decide to be financially dependent on someone else.

If you’re willing to quit your job and your child is portable why not move to wherever his job is? Can you go part time? Can your partner do something about their work situation so that you can see an end in sight?

A lot of it is just being parent to a toddler though - almost everyone with a two year old is knackered and fed up! Being home all day with them is just a different set of tirednesses and challenges.

I think you'd still be able to do quite a lot with £1800 a month. Would you put your child in nursery only part time then? I know it isn't always avoidable but it does sound as if they don't get to see you as much as it would be nice to if it were affordable to make that choice. It doesn't really sound like you have time free to spend much, other than nursery fees and bills!

Im in the " they are only little once" camp and the early years are intense.
Can you ask about part time working / wfh etc? If you're thinking of quitting anyway you might as well see if you can get a better balance first. I do 4 days a week which helps lots although I'd prefer 3 days 🤣.
On that income presumably you have already outsourced everything you can - housework, gardening etc. You could hire someone to help with childcare in the evenings (my children get up ridiculously early and I'm wondering / fantasising if I could get someone to help between 5 and 9am at the weekend) but that would be even less time with your DD and it doesnt sound like you're getting that much quality time with her already.

personally I’d look at buying in all the help I could to reduce the running around and also seeing if I could reduce my working hours. Especially if his working location will change in the future.

looking after a kid all day every day is tiring and it’s easy to lose your sense of self. As well as losing income, your pension will take a hit and you’ll miss out on additional experience at work (which is likely to impact career progression for the long term)

I would also be wary about becoming the default parent - that sets a precedent for many years to come. If your partner is away working so much, what has HE done to make sure everything is easier for you and his daughter? I’d also have a very long conversation about finances - you’re not married and he earns a lot but doesn’t share finances equally with you. Instead he pays housekeeping - makes it sound more like a live in nanny arrangement!

If you do decide this is right for you think about how to:

• get adult interaction every day
• keep paying into your pension
• keep your skills up in your industry
• find time for something for yourself which is unrelated to parenting
• share the responsibilities of parenting and running a home more equitably even when he is not present
• share finances more fairly

Honestly I wouldn’t risk losing your financial independence.
A PPs have said maybe ask for some parental leave then possibly asking for part time (if that would work in your job role) &/or using the money you have to ease the burden as much as you can eg more childcare, cleaner, gardener, etc
You never know when you might end up being the only source of income for you and your child for whatever reason.

This is great advice - outsourcing the shit parts of running a home is the bonus of earning well. If you leave you may struggle to get back into it at that level, so I’d definitely look to maybe drop one day (with DD still in nursery so you get a day to yourself) or go PT rather than quit.

I know its hard, I’m a single mum of 3 and while I’ve had to work, I was able to make a living self employed around school hours, I know I couldn’t have coped with working a full time job as well as being the main carer for my DC.

You say partner, are you married? Either way I wouldn't depend on someone else financially although married you have some protection. You earn a good salary, can you pay someone to do some of the domestic stuff or pick ups and drop offs? Not sure the amount your high earning partner contributes is enough, nursery fees must eat up most of this?

Are you married?

You don’t share finances?? And you do the vast vast majority of the the domestic work?

he’s taking the piss

I wouldn’t quit except as a last resort, it’s important to have financial Independence, and the security of 2 incomes. If you aren’t married, definitely don’t quit.

Look at other solutions like PT and bringing some extra help eg nanny share etc

I don’t know the situation obviously but your partner should be moving heaven and earth to sort his job situation out

If you do take time out, set a limit on it, see a coach to figure out what career change can work for you - and make sure you have a shared account with your husband - he cannot be dolling out pocket money to you

If

Op doesn’t say how the finances are worked. He could pay all bills and she’s left with her income, savings interest and the £1500 he puts in an account for her. They might share bills who knows. Unfair to say he gives her ‘a bit of pocket money’…. She’s a grown adult with her own money

The PP is pointing out that if she quits work she will be dependant on the money her partner dolls out. The OP describes him as putting money into an account for her and her daughter - that means they don’t share finances. This might be fine now she is working - if she quits it definitely isn’t.

If you’ve got access to £1800 per month, you’ve already got more coming in than a significant proportion of the population. Assuming your husband pays the main bills, I think most people would jump at the opportunity to be a stay at home mother with that much to spend. How could £1800 per month not be enough?

You need to be very careful about jacking in work. It will impact on your future earnings, pension, savings and financial security. As it's a DP and not a DH you will be unprotected if you stop work and your relationship breaks down.

Who owns the house you live in? Are you sharing childcare costs?

.

No, we know enough, she mentions her partner would be transferring 1500. That’s not having shared access to money.

Why is he only putting 1500 into a joint account? Is he keeping his wages for himself while you raise his child?

Don't give up your job but reduce your hours to part time, I did this just before covid & then went fully remote. Now I'm full time in a hybrid role which is very flexible around my needs. Consider the hit to your pension & NI contributions if you quit, so I'd compromise and go p/t.

If you can afford not to work for a while and it's what would make you happy go for it. Alternatively you could take a while lot of pressure off yourself and stay at work with more paid help in the home. A good nanny would arrive first thing in the morning, do activities with your child. If you wanted you could keep the child in nursery a couple of mornings a week for socialising. The nanny would do all child meals, child's washing, bedroom and playroom if you have one. She would leave as you arrive home. Child would be fed, bathed and ready for you to enjoy restful book reading down time. These are the usual tasks for a nanny but other tasks are negotiable provided mentioned and agreed upon at interview. For instance you could send child to nursery on a Friday and ask the nanny to do general housekeeping on that day instead of it's agreed in advance. I know someone who did this. Arrived home on Friday to things all done. On Fridays she did tea, bath ext so had that time when she could relax leading to weekend. In essence this was as four days nannying one day housekeeping arrangement. My friend said it worked because she kept the two things separate in her head. She took the child to nursery on that day and collected, did tea, bath ext and didn't expect both jobs on that day. Give it some thought op. Give the job up if you really want to and can afford it, but there are all sorts of other combinations you can consider first. This is just one of them. 💐

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

To secure yours & your child's futures, get married or have a civil ceremony done ASAP if your relationship is good otherwise. Don't make yourself financially dependent on a partner. It's a financially risky strategy particularly if the relationship breaks down.

I'd book 2 weeks of annual leave asap to get an immediate break.

I'd use the latter part of that leave to consider ways forward.

I'd consider part time before quitting. Specifically, taking Mondays off so you get the double whammy of accumulated Annual Leave and the bank holiday off and a day to yourself before the week starts over.

You say he can't change his hours but you act like the only solution is for you to find which means you, again, making lifestyle changes while his life carries on.

You'd be better off financially if you split. Let that sink in. Could you move to where his job is? Could he change role?

That's the point. If you JOINTLY decide. Not if one person just takes it upon themselves to give up working

As to the OP , maybe go part time but it will be lonely and boring stuck alone with a toddler all week and less income to do stuff