To think it’s reasonable to just not work anymore for a while?

[Hadebbough]

DP works away Monday morning to Saturday morning. There’s no way around this at the moment, there might be in a few years.

We have a 2.5 year old DD. I do everything all week along with a full time job. I drop her at nursery at 8am and collect at 5, then drive home and do meal and bedtime etc.

I realise I’m not the only person to do this and DP really takes over at the weekend from midday Saturday to Monday morning but honestly I’m exhausted and fed up with it. I feel angry and frustrated most of the time. I earn good money (around 4,500 a month after tax) and I am used to doing what I want financially. I worry that I won’t cope well without earning much but at the same time I honestly feel close to breakdown with having to keep going as I am.

I have some savings that bring in around 300 a month and DP is a high earner and puts 1,500 in a joint account that I can use during the month for me and DD. I keep thinking perhaps this in total would be enough if I didn’t do much and it would give me the downtime I need. I can’t do it all and I constantly feel like I’m failing no matter what I do or what I choose. What would you do?

Many people would disagree. Being a stay at home mother was the most exciting and rewarding time of my life. If you’ve brought a child into the world, how can you be bored or lonely spending your time with it? And, assuming that the partner is paying bills, how can £1800 per month not be enough to do what you want?

I do agree, however, that it should be a joint decision.

With that income you can afford a cleaner, it's not a luxury. Get a good one and they'll change beds, sort out washing etc. I know one who also does ironing and keeps her employer's wardrobe sorted out (he's an elderly widower, and needs telling when he needs new stuff etc). It might take trying out a few until you get a good fit for you.

I understand they don’t share finances as in everything in one pot but they do have a joint account he already pays into for her, if he’s a high earner he may pay more into it if she quits work for her which yes would leave her depending on the money he puts in and her own £300 a month. The point I was making is we don’t know how much he earns and how bills are split, they may split them fairly to their incomes or one of them may pay all the bills. The poster I replied to made it sound like he doesn’t share anything

But equally op is currently earning a high amount herself so has access to plenty of money. Her DH is already putting that amount of money in an account for her and her DD to use each month so it’s not like he doesn’t share. They both have to agree to her not working. One person can’t just expect to stop working and have the other person pick up the financial slack it has to be a joint decision.

Definitely go part time. 3 days a week.

Why are you the one making all the sacrifices? Your DP has left you literally holding the baby 85% of the time and that's put you under so much pressure, you're the one considering giving up your job - but it sounds like it's his job that's the problem, not yours.

I get that you're under pressure and having time off is appealing but surely the first thing to look at is how he can be around more. If he earns more than you, and you earn 4.5k a month, I'm imagining your joint income is 10k a month, maybe more, surely that gives you a bit of leeway to reconfigure your lives and there's scope for him to take a bit of a cut to a role with less travel. What's the point in having a good income if you are never together.

Apart from anything else I can't understand a man wanting to be away from his partner and child so much at such a young age. Fair enough if this was literally the only job on offer but you don't sound like you're on the breadline.

If you must be the one to sort out the issue caused by his job, then for God's sake, go part time and buy in help rather than give up work completely- you're not married and it sounds like he's already half checked out anyway. I can't imagine a mother ever being happy to work away to the extent he does.

Think about part time. I’m completely burnt out at, recognise it, have tried other ways of dealing with it, and am in the fortunate position of not having to work. Am going to go part time with a slight change of role as I think I’ll regret stopping entirely. Maybe explore what the options are - that way you won’t be losing all your salary either - which might be difficult to return to if you step away completely

You need to sit down with DP and have a proper conversation about what is best for your daughter right now. Part-time work for you seems a reasonable option, but I agree that you should not need to be a full-time working single mother for five and a half days a week. You may also need to re-evaluate how you do the household finances. £1800/month contribution to a joint account doesn’t sound like a lot for a high earner. Is he living a different kind of lifestyle from his family? Or amassing huge savings that you are enabling by being the primary caregiver for his child?

That's you. And I assume that you had a husband around at some time in the week also to speak to. I couldn't be a sahm, would drive me insane

It’s not just me - the vast majority of my friends didn’t work with very young children, some of them had husbands who were away a lot and others didn’t. Most of them made huge sacrifices to be able to spend the first few years with their children. My husband was working most evenings and most weekends, but yes, he was there to talk to for a short time each day, although his work commitments didn’t give him enough time to be a very hands on parent. But we knew that would be the casep when we decided that I would stop work to look after our child.

If I’ve understood correctly 1. You have very substantial savings of your own which provide an income of £300 per month. 2. Your income is your own and does not go to family/ household expenses? 3. Your DH can afford to pay all household family expenses (including childcare?)and give you 1.5k a month after doing this.
It sounds like you both are in an amazing financial position and can make this choice and still be comfortable though I guess it depends on the lifestyle your currently enjoy income and financial freedom gives you.

I would stay in my job - there are so many people on here who are shafted by their H’s after being SAHMs there is no way I would give up bringing my own income in. Perhaps drop a day at work but still put DC in nursery for the morning.

What job does DP do and why can’t he move jobs?

In the meantime use your incomes and outsource-
cleaning
meals
ironing
babysitting

There is no reason that you can’t have some time off once a week to do something for you while you have a babysitter.

If you are a team with your DP then you have to be clear and say this is not working for me - and then work through this together.

That’s why most people who actually are SAHP don’t literally “stay at home”. They go to groups, they go to classes, they go swimming, they meet other SAHP, they go to the park/softplay/farm/museum - I was never around people and out of the house more than when I had babies and toddlers at home. And when I was home I was still doing things with the kids, I wasn’t bored.

It’s not a good choice for everyone. It has its monotonous drudgery, like most jobs. And I don’t think it’s the answer to OP being burnt out. But being a SAHM doesn’t necessarily condemn you to staying home bored and alone all week!

And it's not just me that worked rather than being sahm. In fact I don't know any women who did. I suppose we keep to our own circles

My eldest 2 had a dad in the army so hardly every around

See playgroups, soft play etc and talking kids with " mummy friends" is my idea of hell. I've suffered the soft play a couple of times. It was extremely boring. Classes, swimming etc costs money especially nowadays where it seems to pay a fortune for some baby sensory stuff

Don’t give up your job! Employ someone to do the cleaning and ironing etc for a couple of hours every day.

It’s almost like everyone is different isn’t it.

Do whatever will make you and your DD happiest. I'd personally look at reducing hours but keeping DD in nursery so you have a day to yourself. Parenting a toddler full time can be relentless. You may find that harder than working.

Also, could your dp reduce his hours a bit too so he could perhaps get home on Friday night? Even if it’s very late, at least he will be there in situ on Saturday morning.

I voted YABU, not because I think that you should carry on as you are, but just because I think there is a halfway house inbetween your 2 options, perhaps see if your work would agree to a job share. Best of all worlds

I agree that talking about children with other parents is incredibly boring, which is why I very rarely did it. I made sure I took my daughter to activities like tumble tots so that she could socialise with other children but that didn’t mean that I could only talk about nappies while she was playing. I was older than most of my friends when I had my daughter so had very few friends with children her age. There really isn’t any need to spend much on activities - I took her swimming and to the park, but most of the time we were playing and doing things at home. We went without a lot so that I could be at home until my daughter started school and it was so worthwhile - for her more than anything but also for me.

Lots of posters saying ‘husband’ when it’s a partner. Giving up work to make up for the lack of parenting from a partner is foolish in the extreme. OP, do you own the house you live in?

Which was the whole point. The sahm scenerio might've been wonderful for you but everyone isn't the same

You’re the one who very confidently told OP she’d be bored and lonely as a SAHP without any acknowledgement she might differ from you or that actually other people find it very fulfilling.

I also think it’s interesting you put “mummy friends” in belittling quotation marks in one of your posts - as though the decade long friendships I’ve made with other Mums, in which we talk about far more than our kids, are somehow lesser than people’s “student friends” “people we met on holiday friends” “golfing friends” or whatever.

By all means decide you don’t want to be a SAHP but there’s no need to tell those of us that are that we’re all just boring people at home with our boring kids or talking to our boring friends at our boring playgroups.

I put mummy friends in quotation marks to differentiate from friends who you had before.not those who you associate with just because they had a kid around the same time as you

Playgroups etc are boring for most adults Id imagine. How many adults would choose to go to these places. They do it for kids. Mine were in nursery so did similar stuff there so I didn't need to attend them. I did try a few out with DD1 but they were all people sitting around talking about their kids and occasionally husbands. My experience.

A