Long term marriage - I'm flatlining

Tuggle25 · 2025-06-20T11:20:09+00:00

I feel so sad writing this. I've been with my DH since I was 22, just over half my lifetime. I love him, he loves me. He's a great father as well to our kids. I would never do anything to hurt him. We are still intimate (mostly at his instigation.) On paper, we have it all - a nice family home, two happy kids, a grounded marriage, and we are good friends to boot. We both work full-time in fulfilling jobs - we're both educated to degree level and have worked hard to get ourselves into stable, fulfilling careers. Our kids are happy, we go on two holidays a year, it's all roses right? Except that I'm flat. I feel something is missing. I have lost my spark, my mojo. I don't feel desirable any more. I should be loving life - I work so hard to make the family happy and everything is stable and they're all looked after and loved. But I miss something. I miss my freedom. Although my DH desires me, there's not much spark anymore - it's all a bit cosy and friendly and routine. I struggle to feel anything. I don't feel excited - by him, by anything anymore. I've fallen into a rut, where everyone else's needs come before mine. I'm a wife, a mother. Not much else. I think the big problem is that I love DH as a friend, after so much of our lives together. As I said, I would never do anything to hurt him but does anyone else feel like this? I'm 43

KarmenPQZ · 20/06/2025 12:46

How clued up are you on menopause? Sounds like classic perimenopause from what I’ve heard but I kinda have to feel you’re living under a rock if you haven’t already considered it?

BeckyWithTheGoodBear · 20/06/2025 12:49

I agree with pp that it could be perimenopause. I'm 43 and feel exactly the same.

Gymnopedie · 20/06/2025 12:58

Peri was my immediate thought too given your age.

oustedbymymate · 20/06/2025 13:04

100% perimenopause I would say. Have a look online at some supplements to support it.

Find a hobby to challenge you and 'find you' again.

Go on a date night with DH. Book them in periodically

Original poster

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 13:05

@BeckyWithTheGoodBear

Sorry to hear that. I just feel so bad because I know how hard i've worked to get here, and I do love DH but as a friend really. Which is terrible. How do people make their marriages last a lifetime sexually? I just don't know

OP posts:

beetr00 · 20/06/2025 13:08

@Tuggle25

this may be of use?

saltnpepperchips · 20/06/2025 13:12

I’m the same age as you and ended my long term relationship last summer due to feeling more like friends. It was easier for me though as no shared kids and we lived separately. Not much has changed, still see each other twice a week and on very good terms. I’m on HRT as well but it hasn’t made a difference. I do feel sad but also relieved not to have to be sexually active. I did have a very short but intense relationship following our split but ended it as person was very unreliable. I’m really not sure what the answer is or how on earth people keep the spark so long, I suspect many don’t and just settle into a comfortable cosy friendship. My mum left my dad for a few years in her mid 40s and I now suspect peri had a lot to do with it. Neither of them got with anyone else and they did reunite - will have their 50th wedding anniversary next year and both seem v happy so maybe it’s just about “hanging onto your hat” during the mid life phase. Wishing you all the best xx

Dontlletmedownbruce · 20/06/2025 13:13

Honestly OP I think everyone feels like this at some stage or another, including your DH. I don't believe a 'spark' can last for 40 years. I also believe a lifelong commitment goes through peaks and troughs and you just ride out the bad patches and the good come round again. I am similar to you, good lifestyle, happy kids etc and felt extremely guilty for a long time that I wasnt happier. I was meh about everything and often wondered would I really care if Dh ran off. I don't know what changed but I don't feel this way anymore. I've recently turned a corner where I can leave kids home alone and dh and I have started making plans again. We occasionally go for walks or out for dinner and spend time together in an unforced natural way. We talk about places we'd like to go or social things we'd enjoy. I have had lots of nights out and gigs and parties this year, some with DH some without, and I feel my old self emerging slowly. I've started to feel excited about things again, i can lie in at weekends when I want, I can think about hobbies I can pursue. I feel I've emerged from a fog of parenthood after so many years and I find life is OK on the other side.

throwawaynametoday · 20/06/2025 13:14

People will tell you that you're feeling this way because of perimenopause, OP, and of course it might not be helping. But personally I wouldn't rush to pathologise how you're feeling, which sounds like boredom caused by a lack of stimulation and novelty in your life.

Some people do manage to keep the genuine spark in marriage over the decades, but in my experience, comfortable companionship is the more common outcome and should not be undervalued. It can provide the perfect foundation and backdrop to a new and rewarding era of self fulfilment where you persue new goals. But you have to create excitement for yourself, not blame your relationship for not providing it.

I've fallen into a rut, where everyone else's needs come before mine. I'm a wife, a mother. Not much else.

That sentence jumped out at me, OP. If everyone else's needs are being put before yours, you need to fix that first.

Gonk123 · 20/06/2025 13:15

Do you go out on dates? What do you do that is fun together? Maybe put some energy into this. So many fun things you could plan. Get some nice lingerie or whatever takes you fancy. Put effort in and you’ll get it out and it’s a lot better than splitting up of there isn’t really anything wrong.

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 20/06/2025 13:20

It might be peri menopause, it might not but also, life can be dull and routine in your forties, especially with youngish children.

And I think of course you feel fed up if everyone's needs come before yours, it would irritate me too. And it's guaranteed to NOT make you feel desirable, interesting, sexy, interested.

I think you should tell your dh how you're feeling and see if you can solve it together. Do you have any overnight childcare for your children? We used to go off to hotels for a night or 2 together and it made such a difference to our marriage, because we got to have proper conversations, dinners where we dressed up and made an effort, sex in the middle of the day on crisp hotel sheets. Room service and wine and all that really helps with romance.

I'm older than you, with grown up children and that's what kept us happy over the bringing up children years. Now the children have left we're still really happy and have a great life, including romantically but we definitely had to work to clear time and space for that in our 40s. Good luck.

Hankunamatata · 20/06/2025 13:21

Peri meno as others have said. Started hrt and go my vroom back

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 20/06/2025 13:22

We've been together over 20 years by the way and still have a spark and great sex, it is possible! But if you never had the spark I think it's hard to get it. If you once had it and it's waned, you just have to work to get it back I think.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/06/2025 13:30

Think of fun things you can do together.
It takes a bit of effort but it's worth it. A good friend of mine recommended what she called alphabet dates so starting at A she found something they could do beginning with that letter, then every six weeks or so they had a date beginning with the next letter. They took it in turns and tried to find things they wouldn't normally do so Archery, Bowling, Canoeing and so on. Y was a night in a Yurt, M was a mosaic workshop. They had fun, found somethings they enjoyed , and laughed together about things that weren't so great

FlippityFloppityFlump · 20/06/2025 13:34

Do you have a hobby? I'm similar age to you and last year just felt so meh. Everything was fine but felt like all I did was work, ferry DD around to activities, then do some stuff on weekends with DH and DD..

I needed something for me. Something that didn't involve organising other people, coordinating diaries with friends. I just wanted some fun and to think about myself. I started playing padel and it has been fantastic.
It has given me exactly what I needed, it has been fun, friendly, sociable and I am feeling much more satisfied with life at the moment. I don't play any set day but will make sure I get time every week, at least a couple of times.

Kosenrufugirl · 20/06/2025 13:41

What's wrong with being married to your best friend?

Saying this, it does look you are neglecting your self-care

BobbieTables · 20/06/2025 13:52

I sympathise OP this strikes a chord with me too. I think it's something to do with basically being everyone's carer and having nothing that's just you. Or not enough. I want to go on an adventure on my own.
Lots of people here are saying peri which might be the case with me too, but I do think the idea that we all need to be medicated so we can go on serving our families, having sex with our husbands and putting up with everyone's shit feels wrong.

Original poster

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 14:02

@BobbieTables

I do think the idea that we all need to be medicated so we can go on serving our families, having sex with our husbands and putting up with everyone's shit feels wrong.

This is how I feel totally. Thank God you get it

OP posts:

Original poster

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 14:17

I think I also feel this deep-rooted anger that women seem to sacrifice so much more than men in terms of their identity when married and raising children. I have given so much, and yet DH's life hasn't changed much at all. How is that not going to breed resentment? I see all these men spending long long hours at work - they basically absent themselves from the home and family life and then say things like "My wife does put up with a lot - I'm hardly ever at home." Of course this doesn't apply to ALL men but my experience of life so far is that men sort of check out a bit and devote themselves in very linear fashion to work whilst wifey stays home and produces/raises children (whilst working herself I might add.) And the DH is happy and comfortable - he's got a devoted wife, he has his identity and comradeship at work, he doesn't get home until he has to. Men also tend to leave all the emotional strain and planning of anything realting to the kids, to the wife. Again, they've checked out haven't they.

Sex on tap, no fears because everything's running smoothly, it's all good. No sacrifice or identity crisis necessary for men - a competent home manager is behind the scenes working her ass off

OP posts:

nomas · 20/06/2025 14:29

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 14:17

I think I also feel this deep-rooted anger that women seem to sacrifice so much more than men in terms of their identity when married and raising children. I have given so much, and yet DH's life hasn't changed much at all. How is that not going to breed resentment? I see all these men spending long long hours at work - they basically absent themselves from the home and family life and then say things like "My wife does put up with a lot - I'm hardly ever at home." Of course this doesn't apply to ALL men but my experience of life so far is that men sort of check out a bit and devote themselves in very linear fashion to work whilst wifey stays home and produces/raises children (whilst working herself I might add.) And the DH is happy and comfortable - he's got a devoted wife, he has his identity and comradeship at work, he doesn't get home until he has to. Men also tend to leave all the emotional strain and planning of anything realting to the kids, to the wife. Again, they've checked out haven't they.

Sex on tap, no fears because everything's running smoothly, it's all good. No sacrifice or identity crisis necessary for men - a competent home manager is behind the scenes working her ass off

How has this happened when you both work?

Your DH doesn’t sound very nice or loveable if he wants you to pick up the household and childcare future.

Boomer55 · 20/06/2025 14:59

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 13:05

@BeckyWithTheGoodBear

Sorry to hear that. I just feel so bad because I know how hard i've worked to get here, and I do love DH but as a friend really. Which is terrible. How do people make their marriages last a lifetime sexually? I just don't know

HRT helped me keep my sexual mojo.

throwawaynametoday · 20/06/2025 15:09

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 14:17

I think I also feel this deep-rooted anger that women seem to sacrifice so much more than men in terms of their identity when married and raising children. I have given so much, and yet DH's life hasn't changed much at all. How is that not going to breed resentment? I see all these men spending long long hours at work - they basically absent themselves from the home and family life and then say things like "My wife does put up with a lot - I'm hardly ever at home." Of course this doesn't apply to ALL men but my experience of life so far is that men sort of check out a bit and devote themselves in very linear fashion to work whilst wifey stays home and produces/raises children (whilst working herself I might add.) And the DH is happy and comfortable - he's got a devoted wife, he has his identity and comradeship at work, he doesn't get home until he has to. Men also tend to leave all the emotional strain and planning of anything realting to the kids, to the wife. Again, they've checked out haven't they.

Sex on tap, no fears because everything's running smoothly, it's all good. No sacrifice or identity crisis necessary for men - a competent home manager is behind the scenes working her ass off

These feelings are very valid OP, but quite different from the way you described your marriage in your original post. You can be bored without feeling resentment, or vice versa, or both. What's at the root of your feelings, do you think?

Greyskies92 · 20/06/2025 15:12

throwawaynametoday · 20/06/2025 13:14

People will tell you that you're feeling this way because of perimenopause, OP, and of course it might not be helping. But personally I wouldn't rush to pathologise how you're feeling, which sounds like boredom caused by a lack of stimulation and novelty in your life.

Some people do manage to keep the genuine spark in marriage over the decades, but in my experience, comfortable companionship is the more common outcome and should not be undervalued. It can provide the perfect foundation and backdrop to a new and rewarding era of self fulfilment where you persue new goals. But you have to create excitement for yourself, not blame your relationship for not providing it.

I've fallen into a rut, where everyone else's needs come before mine. I'm a wife, a mother. Not much else.

That sentence jumped out at me, OP. If everyone else's needs are being put before yours, you need to fix that first.

This is a great response OP, couldn't have put it better

Greyskies92 · 20/06/2025 15:15

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 14:17

I think I also feel this deep-rooted anger that women seem to sacrifice so much more than men in terms of their identity when married and raising children. I have given so much, and yet DH's life hasn't changed much at all. How is that not going to breed resentment? I see all these men spending long long hours at work - they basically absent themselves from the home and family life and then say things like "My wife does put up with a lot - I'm hardly ever at home." Of course this doesn't apply to ALL men but my experience of life so far is that men sort of check out a bit and devote themselves in very linear fashion to work whilst wifey stays home and produces/raises children (whilst working herself I might add.) And the DH is happy and comfortable - he's got a devoted wife, he has his identity and comradeship at work, he doesn't get home until he has to. Men also tend to leave all the emotional strain and planning of anything realting to the kids, to the wife. Again, they've checked out haven't they.

Sex on tap, no fears because everything's running smoothly, it's all good. No sacrifice or identity crisis necessary for men - a competent home manager is behind the scenes working her ass off

It sounds like you need to go back to work?

throwawaynametoday · 20/06/2025 15:15

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 14:02

@BobbieTables

I do think the idea that we all need to be medicated so we can go on serving our families, having sex with our husbands and putting up with everyone's shit feels wrong.

This is how I feel totally. Thank God you get it

I also feel this, very strongly. The idea that women should medicate themselves in order to not hurt men's feelings through decsreased sexual interest is stomach churning. Personally I think that the fading of sexual desire as a dominating driver in women's lives can be hugely liberating. But instead of celebrating a new chapter of our lives when we could be living for ourselves for a change, we are fed the narrative that we are "broken" if we are nonplussed about sex.