Long term marriage - I'm flatlining

[Tuggle25]

I feel so sad writing this. I've been with my DH since I was 22, just over half my lifetime. I love him, he loves me. He's a great father as well to our kids. I would never do anything to hurt him. We are still intimate (mostly at his instigation.) On paper, we have it all - a nice family home, two happy kids, a grounded marriage, and we are good friends to boot. We both work full-time in fulfilling jobs - we're both educated to degree level and have worked hard to get ourselves into stable, fulfilling careers. Our kids are happy, we go on two holidays a year, it's all roses right?

Except that I'm flat. I feel something is missing. I have lost my spark, my mojo. I don't feel desirable any more. I should be loving life - I work so hard to make the family happy and everything is stable and they're all looked after and loved. But I miss something. I miss my freedom. Although my DH desires me, there's not much spark anymore - it's all a bit cosy and friendly and routine. I struggle to feel anything. I don't feel excited - by him, by anything anymore. I've fallen into a rut, where everyone else's needs come before mine. I'm a wife, a mother. Not much else. I think the big problem is that I love DH as a friend, after so much of our lives together. As I said, I would never do anything to hurt him but does anyone else feel like this? I'm 43

I think this is perfectly normal isn’t it? We are not supposed to be swinging from the lampshades until we die? Most of the middle aged couples I know (devoted/spend all their time together) have hung up their sex pants. They do other stuff - travel/friends/gardening etc.

The key is have your own life too. Stuff just for you. And stop serving others. Why oh why do women do it? Especially if they marry educated grown men? They don’t need to be mummied. Neither do kids older than 13.

And perhaps seek HRT. You sound slightly down in the dumps. That might be hormonal.

At this stage I'd question why you are still relying on your husband for excitement and meaning in your life?

You can keep chasing through new love and the "spark" but from what I've seen normally that doesn't work, and aside from some lucky exceptions, the older you get the harder the spark is to find as a single person.

Often it is necessary to accept that some things are joys we can't repeat. I'd love the excitement of going to university for the first time again, or a childs Christmas, or my first kiss etc. but it's impossible, I'm past those and lucky to have had them at all.

It's hard when we think we deserve what we want, but just understand that the likelyhood is that ending your marriage won't be followed by dream romances full of sparks. It is much more likely to be filled with disappointing men, and fleeting glimpses of what you dream of.

That's all doom and gloom so bring on the positives - you control your own excitement and passion, not your husband. It probably isn't going to be romantic passion, so find another one. Find something you can get excited about and want to think about when you sleep/wake. A cause, a hobby, a creative endeavor, a business, a new way of living, helping your community etc. Something that will give your life a spark, that isn't dependant on romance and men.

Doing that will give you control over the purpose and meaning of the second half of your life.. and if you can do it with a stable family and a husband who at worst is your best friend... Then that is a lucky life.

Yes I completely relate. I'm 41, DH is 43, and we've been together 20 years. Like you, everything is mostly great.

But it's been bumpy the last couple of years. I feel very attention seeking, very sexual and lusting after other men a lot, and craving the excitement of those early days in a relationship. I've shared on other threads that I even recently got into a whole thing where I was sexting with internet strangers and sharing pictures of me in my underwear (I confessed all to DH).

But, factually, the dating world at our age is a pile of shit! That's undisputed. Do I want to live in a rented 2 bed flat in a crap area, paying double for all bills, and finding myself lonely at the weekends, indulging in online dating and going on date after date with a load of guys who would either be 10 years younger than me and therefore immature, or my age and older and come with a load of baggage, which includes an ex wife and 2 kids? No.

So I've invested in getting some excitement back into my marriage. I'm talking sex toys, dressing up, sex in the kitchen, flirty dates, sexting, sending nudes. I've coached DH, bless him, in how to compliment me! I want heartfelt compliments that make me feel desired, when I've gone to the trouble of dressing up for the evening - NOT a generic "you look lovely", which is what he'd say to his mum!

I also suggest you take up an activity that you can feel some excitement for, and feel proud of yourself for. For me, that's been strength training.

Hang in there OP. It's our time of life. 20 years of one relationship, 20 years of the working world. It's fucking boring! Unless you make a concerted effort for it to be less so.

This

Similar age, similar problem although DH has become an arsehole in his behaviour - so easier to feel hatred.
I think age is relevant, in our 40s we could still find a new relationship, look good and feel good / obviously people find love later than 40s but for me it feels I’m wasting my last sexual years.

Spend some time thinking about what brings you joy. I did this a few years ago and realised there were some things that made me very happy I had not been doing for a long time because they felt like "luxury" items and came at the bottom of the list of things that we needed to be spending time and money on as a family. For me, that was going to shows and gigs. It's less about DH and the spark (sexual) and more about joy in life and spark altogether. Figure out some things you love doing and then just fucking do them. Life will be much better. You will like DH more, too, as a result.

Married for 35 years ...

It's interesting, because I ended up going to uni as a mature student when I was 43. I really remember that one of the things which triggered it was sitting across from my husband and thinking 'I don't know who you are any more or who I am for that matter.'

Doing something new, completely selfish, and entirely focused on myself stopped me from feeling as if I was disappearing and we were strangers. I carried on doing things for myself - cold water swimming, fell in love with riding big motorbikes, started chasing creative projects with bragging rights, etc. And we ended up having more to talk about / reconnected / refound the joy in eachother.

Interesting to hear other's perspectives on this. Also good to know I'm not alone. But at the age of 43, I don't want to never feel sexual attraction again - I think it goes back to what @okydokethen says:

in our 40s we could still find a new relationship, look good and feel good / obviously people find love later than 40s but for me it feels I’m wasting my last sexual years.

So in answer to some other questions, I am flatlining sexually and I am deeply unhappy with that. It's very hard at 43 to admit that I'll never experience that excitement and desire again I suppose. I am a very loving person, and as I said I would never do anything that would hurt my husband but just going through the motions sexually is hard for me. I also am bored, perhaps, after 22 yrs of marriage - I feel that we get on companion-wise but it's the same basic jokes again and again, the complacency he often displays (some gross behaviour that has really turned me off him like continuously farting/burping whilst sitting on the sofa.) No real effort put in by him to stimulate me emotionally, physically. Conversation is dull; quite honestly I struggle to get him to maintain an interesting dialogue. If I don't plan something for us (why should it always be fucking me anyway?) then it doesn't happen. I love him, but not as a lover. As a friend. And that love for him is strong, but my God, another 20 or even 30 years of this will slowly kill me.

I feel so so trapped in this friendly marriage and I want my freedom. How much more can I grow with him? I don't know. I am someone who likes spontaneity, variety, travelling to new places, sparking with new people, exploring concepts, exploring new places, chasing a bit of an adventure now and again. He doesn't seem to want to "grow" in line with me anymore, he's got his married slippers on and firmly under the table and he's just...............waiting for dinner. So yes, I'm bored, I'm fed up and slightly resentful, I feel claustrophobic, trapped, and sad and guilty for having these feelings. I'm a free spirit I guess and he's changed so so much as he's got older - when we were both young and childfree he was a different person. Another 30 years of this scares the shit out of me and I feel like screaming for help

Just start doing the things you want to be doing. See how he reacts / what difference it makes to you and your relationship. He might wake up, to be honest -- and he might not. Stop waiting for your life, just start living it. Then find out whether he wants to partner you in your exciting life. I think it goes that way round. Start building the life you want, then figure out if DH fits in it. If not, you will already be well on your way to the kind of life you want.

This is good advice.

I've posted above about my boredom and how I'm overcoming it, but my circumstances sound different to yours in that DH isn't complacent, likes to do new things, likes to travel, does have a lot to say, and we can sit in a pub all night chatting and laughing until we stagger home tipsy together.

You sound full of life, and your DH doesn't. Building the life you want for you, and seeing if it inspires DH to do the same, is a good shout.

What a beautiful post @NJLX2021

The dating world is total shite OP. As in total fucking shite.

If you jacked your life in you might just be swapping one life you don’t like for another life you don’t like.

If your husband is a good friend, respectful, a good father, solvent etc, then I would stay. At least for now.

Let me ask you a hard question. Are you really bored with him. Or are you bored with you.

I am someone who likes spontaneity, variety, travelling to new places, sparking with new people, exploring concepts, exploring new places, chasing a bit of an adventure now and again

All of this is achievable in a marriage, but may need to wait til the kids are a bit older. My BIL and SIL go on separate holidays all the time. She is big into adventure sports, he isn't. He likes golf so they take a week apart every Summer. They have separate hobbies but to me seem very together as a couple.

The drama in this post makes me feel like you already know what you want, and are trying to build the emotion and story to the point where you feel justified in taking the action that you've already decided on.

best tell your husband and talk to him sooner rather than later

I think you're missing the real issue OP, which is that you don't really like your DH any more (for good reason). It sounds like he's quite selfish and disconnected - he's left you to manage everything at home, he's complacent and yet he still expects sex. You don't sound bored, you sound really resentful and I don't think it's surprising.

DH and I have been together 23 years and I still find him incredibly sexy and exciting. A huge reason for that is because he pulls his weight in the house and with the children, he tries really hard to make my life easier, he's kind and respectful and he is just lovely to me. I like him as well as loving him. I can't imagine things ever being better with someone else.

Would you consider suggesting couple's therapy?

You were 22 when you got married. I bet you felt really mature at the time, but looking back you were just a child really, weren't you?!

How much did you experiment and have fun before your marriage? Was marriage the "next step" in a life that seemed to be mapped out in advanced based on family expectations etc?

I ask these questions becuase that's exactly how I also ended up in a long-term marriage that stifled me. I did leave, in my late 30s, and to my amazement caught up on all the living I'd never done when younger.

I didn't have kids in the equation, though. And it all got a bit messy before it all turned great (I'm very happy now, 10 years into my second marriage, and definitely feel I have no more "itches" to "scratch"!). The messy stuff is probably what I learned most from, so I don't consider any of it a "mistake"...

I think Life sort of pokes away at us sometimes, telling us there are things we have yet to experience and grow from. Working out what to do about that can be very difficult, but denying it is really painful too.

How do you think you'll feel in 10, 20, 30 years' time if nothing changes?

I could have written it myself a few months ago.

I remember listening "Show must go on " by Freddie Mercury on repeat.

Then I realised it's up to me to make changes.

The dating scene is shit, BTW. I have a lot of single friends

@Beachtastic

You were 22 when you got married. I bet you felt really mature at the time, but looking back you were just a child really, weren't you?!
How much did you experiment and have fun before your marriage? Was marriage the "next step" in a life that seemed to be mapped out in advanced based on family expectations etc?

Yes, I was so young, it was just expected - I've never been the master of my own ship really. Parents were always pushing for marriage, kids. House, mortgage. And now I don't know who I am

@Kosenrufugirl

I remember listening "Show must go on " by Freddie Mercury on repeat.

I hope you feel happier now, whatever you're doing! I know the show must go on, and I won't rip up my marriage, or my family as @NJLX2021 assumes. I think that's what's making me feel this way - because I know I won't. I'll keep the ship steady, just keep going. And hope it passes

Watching with interest as I feel exactly the same. I love DH. He’s still very good looking. But something has gone ..gone.. flat lines is a good description. And I can’t say why’s. I’m 48 so maybe it is a menopause thing

Further to the earlier message...

One day I simple decided this was no way to live life.

I had a frank conversation with my husband.

We are both much happier now

I think you should book yourself a holiday, on your own OP. It will give you time where you can just relax, do things that YOU want to do, think about what you REALLY want, and all without having to spring to attention to see to someone else's needs. If you should find a bit of holiday romance while you're there, you might decide that that was all you needed, and come home happy to settle down again, or it might be enough to tip the scales, and make you decide that wasting your life living with a decision you made when you were 22, would be a mistake.

I know that affairs are frowned upon, and that living alone, and being hard up, can be miserable when you once 'had it all', but equally it can present a challenge, and open your eyes to a new life, that you absolutely love.

I don't think your choices are as limited as 'leave your husband' or 'tolerate this forever', OP. There is scope for things to improve.

Lots of couples enter into a sexual rut but it doesn't mean it will always be that way. It is possible that you will feel desire and passion again within your marriage. Lots of couples baulk at counselling with a sex therapist but it can be life changing if there is a willingness there.

Would your husband be receptive to you if you raised that you want more freedom, more equality, more spontaneity etc? What would happen if you said to him 'I'm in crisis and I want to resolve this with you, can we find a path?'

I was like this for about 18 months in menopause there were other issues as well but this was a huge part of it. I didn’t HRT and did get my mojo back.

Overall a lot of men are a bit shit and my friends who do online dating well it’s not been that successful especially the ones that are post 40. The only very successful woman who is having a whale of a time is a friend of a friend, she has the kind of looks that rarely exist for us mere mortals.

Join some clubs, get some fulfilment by doing some things that you enjoy.