Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long term marriage - I'm flatlining

60 replies

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 12:20

I feel so sad writing this. I've been with my DH since I was 22, just over half my lifetime. I love him, he loves me. He's a great father as well to our kids. I would never do anything to hurt him. We are still intimate (mostly at his instigation.) On paper, we have it all - a nice family home, two happy kids, a grounded marriage, and we are good friends to boot. We both work full-time in fulfilling jobs - we're both educated to degree level and have worked hard to get ourselves into stable, fulfilling careers. Our kids are happy, we go on two holidays a year, it's all roses right?

Except that I'm flat. I feel something is missing. I have lost my spark, my mojo. I don't feel desirable any more. I should be loving life - I work so hard to make the family happy and everything is stable and they're all looked after and loved. But I miss something. I miss my freedom. Although my DH desires me, there's not much spark anymore - it's all a bit cosy and friendly and routine. I struggle to feel anything. I don't feel excited - by him, by anything anymore. I've fallen into a rut, where everyone else's needs come before mine. I'm a wife, a mother. Not much else. I think the big problem is that I love DH as a friend, after so much of our lives together. As I said, I would never do anything to hurt him but does anyone else feel like this? I'm 43

OP posts:
throwawaynametoday · 20/06/2025 21:37

Based on your earlier posts, my advice was to focus less on your comfortable-but-predictable marriage and instead look for other ways of creating some excitement and novelty for yourself. But with your latest update, it does sound like your marriage isn't in a great place, OP, and that the problem isn't that you are bored of the predictability, but that your bored of him.

I don't think it's hugely unusual for the woman to be the driving force in "making fun things happen", but it only works when the man is an enthusiastic passenger who is happy to get on board, join the adventure, and bring something to the party themselves.

I think the advice to start doing things for yourself still stands, though. Like a PP said, your DH might surprise you and want to match your energy. But if he's moany and resentful and just wants a quite and undemanding life with regular sex, then you've got some hard choices ahead of you.

Beachtastic · 20/06/2025 22:24

Try Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way to get back in touch with the person buried under all the rubble of looking after everyone else.

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 21/06/2025 11:56

throwawaynametoday · 20/06/2025 21:37

Based on your earlier posts, my advice was to focus less on your comfortable-but-predictable marriage and instead look for other ways of creating some excitement and novelty for yourself. But with your latest update, it does sound like your marriage isn't in a great place, OP, and that the problem isn't that you are bored of the predictability, but that your bored of him.

I don't think it's hugely unusual for the woman to be the driving force in "making fun things happen", but it only works when the man is an enthusiastic passenger who is happy to get on board, join the adventure, and bring something to the party themselves.

I think the advice to start doing things for yourself still stands, though. Like a PP said, your DH might surprise you and want to match your energy. But if he's moany and resentful and just wants a quite and undemanding life with regular sex, then you've got some hard choices ahead of you.

Edited

I agree with this.

also, a husband who sat on the sofa burping and farting wouldn’t do it for me. No wonder you don’t want to shag him.

Lottapianos · 21/06/2025 12:23

'Let me ask you a hard question. Are you really bored with him. Or are you bored with you.'

God, that is SUCH a good question! I was feeling bored senseless a few months back, I wish someone had asked me that question then. Going to keep it in my back pocket for the future 👍

OP, I agree with others that you need to start thinking more about yourself and what you would like to get out of life. Don't underestimate the impact of perimenopause on your physical and mental health - I highly recommend using the Balance app and track your symptoms understand more about what is going on for you. I started HRT at 44 a year ago and it hadn't been a magic wand, but I feel so much better than I did. I recommend it very highly

HOWEVER...... HRT wont do anything to fix relationship issues, or lack of boundaries, or being everyone's doormat or whatever. That's a whole other separate piece of work that needs doing. The feelings you describe are definitely common in your 40s but that doesn't mean you're doomed, or that you just have to put up with them forever

PassingStranger · 21/06/2025 12:32

Tuggle25 · 20/06/2025 12:20

I feel so sad writing this. I've been with my DH since I was 22, just over half my lifetime. I love him, he loves me. He's a great father as well to our kids. I would never do anything to hurt him. We are still intimate (mostly at his instigation.) On paper, we have it all - a nice family home, two happy kids, a grounded marriage, and we are good friends to boot. We both work full-time in fulfilling jobs - we're both educated to degree level and have worked hard to get ourselves into stable, fulfilling careers. Our kids are happy, we go on two holidays a year, it's all roses right?

Except that I'm flat. I feel something is missing. I have lost my spark, my mojo. I don't feel desirable any more. I should be loving life - I work so hard to make the family happy and everything is stable and they're all looked after and loved. But I miss something. I miss my freedom. Although my DH desires me, there's not much spark anymore - it's all a bit cosy and friendly and routine. I struggle to feel anything. I don't feel excited - by him, by anything anymore. I've fallen into a rut, where everyone else's needs come before mine. I'm a wife, a mother. Not much else. I think the big problem is that I love DH as a friend, after so much of our lives together. As I said, I would never do anything to hurt him but does anyone else feel like this? I'm 43

Be grateful, your normal is someone else's dream.

notatinydancer · 21/06/2025 12:56

@Tuggle25you do grow out of people. He know someone like this , exactly the same down to the age and she left. She just said she was fed up and didn’t want to be with him anymore.
Now about 2 years on they have 50/50. He’s met some, she hasn’t as is happier than ever.

okydokethen · 21/06/2025 14:24

I did the holidays without him and tbh it made it even clearer in my mind! I had a great time with DC, it was such an easy relaxed break.

Dressinggown08 · 21/06/2025 14:44

I would suggest therapy OP. Some for yourself to explore what you want and where you're at, and then couples therapy for the both of you.

nutbrownhare15 · 21/06/2025 14:49

I'd recommend Andrew Marshall's book 'I love you but I'm not in love with you.' You need to get a hobby all for yourself that puts the spark back into life for you -try lots of different things. And also read 'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski. Time to start putting yourself first and getting a little more separation from family life to allow you to miss it and your husband.

FlatFlatEric · 21/06/2025 14:53

Yes a lot of my friends have gone through this during peri menopause. On the other hand I've been single by choice for over 10 years and can honestly say it's bloody marvellous. I've raised my daughter and we're still super close but as far as relationships with men go I prefer to live my own life on my own terms and it's totally liberating.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page