Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

Christ I am sorry. I could write a book about them only people wouldn’t believe me. Sorry so long.

Their house sounds like a nightmare OP but as other posters have mentioned the children appear to have survived & flourished despite it.

"Took to my bed" 🤣

Hmm to be able to immediately list toilet rules suggest your house is strict

My kids can go to the toilet in any toilet. That's what toilets are for. You DO sound like my aunt, maybe you are her

Why didn’t your children research courses before applying for them? My parents had no input in my degree choice. What a waste of money dropping out or changing university course is - literally nothing to show for £10k+ of debt. Do you think this level of hand-holding is what led to your children failing and/or dropping out? Sounds like BIL and SIL raised much more confident, independent children who take responsibility.

Your judgement is so strong it's wafting off you. I wonder how often you said 'ha, let's see how these kids turn out when dragged up' or similar.

Tell us more, old kitchen, can pee in any toilet, no immediate urgency to repairs, they sound appalling 😂

Re the elder two’s uni choices I actually regret not doing more research but I trusted them to do it.

I am not a judgmental person

Yeah, okay 😂

You clearly think you're superior to your SIL and her family, and it's now coming back to bite you on the arse.

Your SIL sounds like an intellectual, a particular sort tend to be lacking in the running of daily life and things like cleaning and organising come way down the list and funny people are smart people.
Your husband sounds horrid, his attitude in regard to his own children is disturbing and not as hidden as you seem to think, the children will know how he feels and is likely the reason they don't want to holiday with him.

Are you seriously saying that no one in your house is ever allowed to have a mug of coffee or glass of wine in your living room? That sounds very I hospitable to me. I'd hate to go to a house where I had to sit in the kitchen to have a drink. Your no food or drink in the living room is so excessive.

Let’s take your SIL and BIL out of it you are clearly on the verging on OCD end of the cleaning scale and they are from what you have said the opposite verging on hoarding end

but this isn’t about cleaning it is about parenting and your husband believes your prissy ways are why they don’t want to come
on holiday

plus anyone who takes to their bed has an issue

I don’t understand why you still feel the need to keep telling us more and more about your in-laws?

Your thread title is about your husband feeling embarrassment in your children? Why are you talking more about your in-laws than you are about your husband and children? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe start a new thread just about how much you don’t like your in-laws.

You are far too obsessed with your SIL’s life. What relevance does any of these anecdotes about how they lived years ago have to your current issues with your husband? What does a cat shitting under a bookcase 20 years ago have to do with your husband being an araehole about his kids now?

Our kitchen is large, knocked into old dining room , it has a massive corner sofa and kids can eat and drink to their heart’s content, while watching TV.

It is my husband who is comparing us. He thinks I should have been more like her, kids sitting in shit literally, eating biscuits.

Maybe sister-in-law spent more time on helping her children academically (given the bohemian, academic, guardian crossword house, given she and her DH weren't spending time cleaning the cat muck)?! That seems to be an argument from OP's DH I think. Thinking she was spending more time on what he now deems trivial. I may be wrong.

We have a few children and we regret not getting involved enough on older ones and are different with the younger. As you say, it's a terrible waste of money. One is now doing a completely different second degree (undergraduate level) in a subject they wanted to do originally but moved away from as a university offered them an unconditional in the subject they studied. So not just the loan + all the money we supported with on original degree, but several years of not earning a proper full time salary.

But what about guests. Are they confined to the kitchen also? . What do you do in the living room if no food or drink is permitted within it's walls? I'm genuinely confused. Even if I was listening to music or reading a book in a living room, I'd still want a mug of coffee with me.

"5 loos" deserves to become the new naice ham

I assume you called social services if the kids were LITERALLY sitting in shit.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Repeat ad nauseum to your DH.

If my DH was behaving like this I would sit him down and say

“I had no idea when embarking on this parenting journey with you that I alone was going to held responsible for the DCs “success”. And nor was I aware that we would all be held to your previously undisclosed measure of success”

OP can you imagine if they were all at Oxbridge now. He would be claiming it was all down to him and would be INSUFFERABLE! In fact he is already.

Wow, you sound as though you are describing a campus novel from the 1980s with your in-laws as Guardianista academics raising confident children in an area of free-love and free-thinking. I like them already!

I'd love to know if your in-laws both work. I imagine he is a linguistics professor.

None of the things you have said seem remotely distressing in terms of the interactions between the parents and children - the state of the house and pets obviously left a lot to be desired though.

I totally get your husband's POV - honestly, I would feel the same if none of my children had properly fledged. He's probably wanting to thrive himself in an empty nest. I don't know why it's your fault though - he was obviously free to parent as he wanted.

Well you haven’t learned from your mistake, have you? If you had done “research”, you would know that a humanities degree from a local university is not particularly valuable. Three more years of debt on top of the debt from the Computer Science degree he dropped out of is a lot of debt for a humanities degree from a local university. Unless that local university is the likes of Oxford, Edinburgh, Durham or UCL?

You sound normal. Your family sounds normal. Your husband is probably just having a moment. Maybe something else is bothering him.

Don't sweat it. Don't engage with nonsense. Take yourself off to the garden with a book and a nice cold g&t.

Lots of people on MN will argue that growing up knee deep in cat shit is totally fine just to pick holes in your account. Just ignore them, they are also probably just having a moment.

I very much doubt that's what he means 🙄

Exactly.

It’s rare to see the OP derailing their OWN thread.