To not want my DH’s birthday present?

LovelyBranches · 2025-06-18T20:56:27+00:00

In my 20s my father passed away suddenly in front of me and I had PTSD from his death. I’ve had therapy and years of trying to challenge myself because I had lost the ability to listen to music or tolerate loud noises. Now I’m able to, but I’m very choosy and tend to stick to music I’ve always known. Last year DH wanted to go to a gig and invited me along with him, but when I got to the outdoor venue it was unbelievably packed and I hated the crowd, hated the music and felt completely overwhelmed. I left DH to enjoy the night with his friends. It really set me back because I felt I had made so much progress and realised that I hadn’t. DH and I talked about all of these feelings after the gig so he is completely aware of how I felt. However this year for my 40th DH has got my tickets to see Chappell Roan in Reading festival and to be honest I was utterly horrified to receive it. I have liked some of her music which I know is unusual for me, but the thought of being in a field all day, unable to get away from loud noises and having to deal with huge, noisy, busy crowds is really frightening to me. I’ve never been to a festival before and the videos I’ve seen online make me quite worried. Also, we have very little childcare and going away overnight is always a challenge. We live nowhere near Reading. I feel like DH got me a present which he’d like for himself. I didn’t get much for my birthday and I had told him of a sentimental item that I had wanted, but he didn’t get. WIBU to not go?

DorothyStorm · 18/06/2025 21:59

Given he knows you would hate it, I wonder if his actual plan is to go with a friend…

ThatGladTiger · 18/06/2025 22:02

Yes the festival can get busy, but if you stay on the edge of the crowd you will still be able to hear and see the artists, and have space to walk around in.

That’s what I do at festivals, it’s too hectic in the crowd for me. I find a nice spot on the edge and chill!

If you go early you can acclimatise before the headliners go on! It’s quite chilled in the day. Just avoid the huge crowds that are near the front of the stages.

whynotmereally · 18/06/2025 22:03

It may be he thought because you liked the music it would be a good place to try and over come your fear. Thank him amd explain you want to sell the tickets if he suggests he uses them offer him market value for them

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 18/06/2025 22:03

DorothyStorm · 18/06/2025 21:59

Given he knows you would hate it, I wonder if his actual plan is to go with a friend…

I did ask him this and he said that he genuinely thought I’d want to go, and that he got excited to hear that Chappell Roan was coming to the UK and that he thought I’d love it.

OP posts:

Impastmysellbydate · 18/06/2025 22:04

I think given he knows you wouldn't like the present anyway then you should ask.him to sell the tickets and buy you something else that you would like.

It seems selfish and thoughtless of him to say this is your birthday present and I would be wondering why he has done this.

Drummend01 · 18/06/2025 22:04

It wasn’t his smartest move but maybe because it’s an artist you like, whereas the last concert you said you hated the music, he thought you’d enjoy it more. Still it is a silly move and it’s completely reasonable to feel hurt that he doesn’t seem to have really thought it through. Ultimately you need to speak to him and say why you’re hurt and that you don’t want to go. And if he suggests that he go with a friend instead then I would be quite firm that actually no, it would be very insensitive to go to your birthday present without you and he should resell the tickets (through the proper websites so it’s legit of course)

IReallyLoveItHere · 18/06/2025 22:06

This is beyond the usual dick of a dh buying himself something for your birthday, he's actually using your trauma to make damn sure he gets it.

Is he often like this?

I wouldn't look for an argument. Say given that you couldn't handle the last gig you are surprised he bought them and do not want to go. Get the tickets sold (I think they do official resales?) and get something you want.

I would look at his reaction on how to proceed. I don't really see how this could be a mistake.

RichardOsmansfondueset · 18/06/2025 22:07

It sounds like he’s got a present for himself here, why not suggest that he has the tickets as his birthday present, takes a mate and you buy yourself the item that you actually wanted, or something else luxurious and expensive. Buy your own gift in the future and hand it to him. If he complains then explain exactly why.

Newgirls · 18/06/2025 22:10

thing is you are losing out due to your anxiety. Could you go to a local small festival like a pub in the park to build up confidence? Those are very small and you can go in an afternoon? It might start to build your own happiness. Maybe reading is too ambitious but might not be one day

Itsrainingatlast · 18/06/2025 22:32

I volunteer for the safeguarding team at the Reading Festival. It’s generally a very young crowd, so they are really well set up for supporting people who are anxious/overwhelmed by the festival - we see a lot of teenagers away from home for the first time, who need a handhold.
Chappell Roan - I’ve got lots of friends who are taking their daughters, it will be a very friendly, chilled crowd.

Gyozas · 18/06/2025 22:43

LovelyBranches · 18/06/2025 22:03

I did ask him this and he said that he genuinely thought I’d want to go, and that he got excited to hear that Chappell Roan was coming to the UK and that he thought I’d love it.

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He’s either very selfish or very stupid.

WinterFaye2 · 18/06/2025 22:44

Can you sell the tickets and buy the sentimental gift with the money?

BakelikeBertha · 18/06/2025 22:59

I'd really like to think that he bought the tickets with the best of intentions OP, but has clearly not realised how you might react. Has what 'Itsrainingatlast' said reassured you at all, as if so, it might be worth going along? Maybe you and her* *could exchange details, and perhaps meet up on arrival, so that she can help you get settled and feel comfortable? Just a thought.

However, if you still feel that you really don't want to go, then I think you should be honest with your DH, and tell him that while the thought was nice, you really don't feel you can cope with the festival, and would he be happy for you sell the tickets. If he then sulks, or suggests that he uses them and goes with a friend, then I think he was being selfish, and bought the tickets because HE wanted to go, without much thought for your feelings, in which case I would tell him that I want full price for the tickets, and would go ahead and buy the thing that you wanted him to get you in the first place. I'm hoping for your sake though, that he genuinely thought that you might like to go. Please come back and tell us what you decide OP.

DeSoleil · 18/06/2025 23:01

I’ve never are if Chappell Roan and after googling I don’t think you are unreasonable at all to want and go and see them in concert.

The gift is not for you it’s for him.

I would be angry.

DeSoleil · 18/06/2025 23:02

Never heard of ^

Maray1967 · 18/06/2025 23:16

Gyozas · 18/06/2025 22:43

He’s either very selfish or very stupid.

Show quote history

Yes, it’s one or the other. Neither is great, is it?

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 18/06/2025 23:18

Itsrainingatlast · 18/06/2025 22:32

I volunteer for the safeguarding team at the Reading Festival. It’s generally a very young crowd, so they are really well set up for supporting people who are anxious/overwhelmed by the festival - we see a lot of teenagers away from home for the first time, who need a handhold.
Chappell Roan - I’ve got lots of friends who are taking their daughters, it will be a very friendly, chilled crowd.

Thank you for saying this, but to be honest it makes me feel even more out of place.

I told a friend at work that I had tickets and she gave me a look and said that it’s a really young crowd. Unfortunately one of the side effects of losing a parent in my early 20s was that I had to grow up quickly. I’ve felt older than I am for many years, and if I were to have a night away from my children then being around drunk, excitable teenagers wouldn’t be my first pick.

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 18/06/2025 23:20

Sell the tickets and buy what you want.

TryForSpring · 18/06/2025 23:23

Itsrainingatlast · 18/06/2025 22:32

I volunteer for the safeguarding team at the Reading Festival. It’s generally a very young crowd, so they are really well set up for supporting people who are anxious/overwhelmed by the festival - we see a lot of teenagers away from home for the first time, who need a handhold.
Chappell Roan - I’ve got lots of friends who are taking their daughters, it will be a very friendly, chilled crowd.

That's nice to hear, but I highly doubt this DH knows any of that, or has enquired.

Horrible behaviour, OP. So dismissive of you and your experiences.

NuffSaidSam · 18/06/2025 23:23

Sell the tickets and get what you wanted in the first place.

Do you believe your DH when he says he thought you'd like it?

mynameiscalypso · 18/06/2025 23:27

How familiar/comfortable is he with your PTSD? I have PTSD and my DH just doesn’t get it sometimes and struggles to see how things which he doesn’t think are a big deal become a huge deal for me. He also struggles because he feels powerless to help. But, in the overall context of our relationship, it’s not done maliciously. And so the way that I’d view your DH’s behaviour would probably depend on the broader relationship and whether this is a pattern of behaviour or if you genuinely think he was trying to do something you’d like but missed the mark through lack of understanding or thoughtlessness.

TryForSpring · 18/06/2025 23:32

mynameiscalypso · 18/06/2025 23:27

How familiar/comfortable is he with your PTSD? I have PTSD and my DH just doesn’t get it sometimes and struggles to see how things which he doesn’t think are a big deal become a huge deal for me. He also struggles because he feels powerless to help. But, in the overall context of our relationship, it’s not done maliciously. And so the way that I’d view your DH’s behaviour would probably depend on the broader relationship and whether this is a pattern of behaviour or if you genuinely think he was trying to do something you’d like but missed the mark through lack of understanding or thoughtlessness.

It doesn't have to be malicious to be completely inadequate. There is so much your DH could read/listen to in order to understand and become familiar (if not comfortable) with PTSD.

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 18/06/2025 23:32

DH and I have been together a very long time and he’s a generous gift giver (I don’t think Reading tickets were cheap), but he often get’s it wrong.

I feel like he does try, and he had obviously noticed that I had listened to Chappell Roan, but he just gets an idea and doesn’t really think it through.

Normally I just laugh it off but because this was a big birthday, I’d hoped for something memorable in a nice way.

OP posts:

Dozer · 18/06/2025 23:35

Idiotic of DH, no excuse for it.

he should sell the tickets and you choose something else for your gift

RawBloomers · 18/06/2025 23:37

So you sort of like Chappell Roan a bit and he really likes Chappell Roan. You have never been to a festival and get anxious at the thought of it and he…really likes festivals and wants to go to them?

It’s possible he thought you were getting over this aspect of your PTSD a bit and this was an opportunity for him to share something he loves with you, thinking you will come to love it too.

And that’s naive but not unreasonable thinking for a 20 something year old. Quite sweet, in some ways. But by 40 he should be far more aware that this is more about what he wants than what you want and it’s a shit thing for him to do for your birthday.

He’s normally generous in the sense of spending money but if he’s often getting it wrong - why is that? Is he throwing money at things rather than thinking about what you want? Is he getting gifts that hit his preferences instead of yours? Does he really not know you at all? Do you ever let him know that he’s getting it wrong? It’s a long time to be failing at giving - especially if you are telling him about things you would like.

In any case, you DO NOT have to go just because he bought the tickets. Tell him you aren’t ready and may never be and sell them.

(Edited as cross posted with update).