To not want my DH’s birthday present?

[LovelyBranches]

In my 20s my father passed away suddenly in front of me and I had PTSD from his death. I’ve had therapy and years of trying to challenge myself because I had lost the ability to listen to music or tolerate loud noises. Now I’m able to, but I’m very choosy and tend to stick to music I’ve always known.

Last year DH wanted to go to a gig and invited me along with him, but when I got to the outdoor venue it was unbelievably packed and I hated the crowd, hated the music and felt completely overwhelmed. I left DH to enjoy the night with his friends. It really set me back because I felt I had made so much progress and realised that I hadn’t. DH and I talked about all of these feelings after the gig so he is completely aware of how I felt.

However this year for my 40th DH has got my tickets to see Chappell Roan in Reading festival and to be honest I was utterly horrified to receive it. I have liked some of her music which I know is unusual for me, but the thought of being in a field all day, unable to get away from loud noises and having to deal with huge, noisy, busy crowds is really frightening to me. I’ve never been to a festival before and the videos I’ve seen online make me quite worried. Also, we have very little childcare and going away overnight is always a challenge. We live nowhere near Reading.

I feel like DH got me a present which he’d like for himself. I didn’t get much for my birthday and I had told him of a sentimental item that I had wanted, but he didn’t get.

WIBU to not go?

Tell him you appreciate the effort in that it’s for a band you like. But you know you won’t enjoy it so would prefer to sell the tickets.

It definitely wasn’t your birthday present. Selfish imbecile. Sing happy birthday to him, give him the tickets and buy yourself something you really want. I one time got a camera for surprise birthday present that I couldn’t even hold up. Such generosity. Can they spare it.. greedy men

He got you the gift of fear and discomfort, unfortunately. Tell him to sell the tickets.

@LovelyBranches . My husband obsessed with his fit bit which I said I didn't like. Went and bought me one for my birthday. I was annoyed. I'm disabled so don't want to know how few steps I have done, how little calories I've used because I can't cycle like him. I don't want to know what my heart is doing because I have an ectopic heart beat.

I didn't even take it out of the box, just handed it back and told him return it. 🤬

Sell those tivkets.
If he knows you a long time this is a very poor present that sounds like its for him.

I hate gift giving that benefits the giver, seems very selfish.
Sell them and buy yourself something.

He needs to do better.
Don't pretend to like it or go.

I think your dh meant well and you should try to use this as an opportunity to overcome your anxiety. What would your dad want for you?
Do whatever you can, talk to your husband about how you feel, engage with the support team. confront your worst fear about the day and try to enjoy yourself.

Sounds like he’s got you a present he wants you to like not one you actually do. He wants to go with you to concerts but is ignoring the fact that they’re (for v understandable reasons) not your thing. It’s a case of being thoughtless dressed up as being thoughtful - oh I thought you like Chappel Roan type thing. (I mean I like loads of artists but wouldn’t particularly want to see any of them at a festival!) I think it’s hurtful to you given the connotations of going to music events but he has just not considered this. That could be disappointing but maybe he’s optimistically (or naively) inclined ie well you came to one before & if you try again you might like it type thing. Often pple who haven’t experienced any mental or emotional distress don’t have a great understanding of how this an impact a person. Without knowing your DH it might be a well intentioned gift albeit a little thoughtless. He may just not “get” how debilitating emotional distress & trauma can truly be.

This comes over as though your H doesnt really see or hear you.

Especially when you say I didn’t get much for my birthday and I had told him of a sentimental item that I had wanted, but he didn’t get.
Even when you specifically told him what you wanted he deliberately didn't buy it and bought something he wanted for himself.

I think you've been " laughing off" his " mistakes" for too long OP. Time to assert yourself.

What kind of birthday present is that - a difficult therapy session you didn’t ask for.

Jesus.

I’m so sorry about your dad, and I’m sad your husband picked a gift that doesn’t in anyway say “I see you and cherish you”.

I don’t think not enjoying the outdoor gig experience means you haven’t made progress though – those environments are hard! I bet there are hundreds of thousands of people who (like me) catch a glimpse of the crowds at Glastonbury and cannot think of anywhere they’d less want to be.

I would just kindly tell him how anxious it makes you and ask him to sell the tickets so you can use the money to buy something else (or he can).

Sell the tickets and buy something you like. Then get DH shit presents for his birthday too. Or presents that you will like, not him.

Exactly this.

I’m sorry about your dad and your PTSD OP.

I don’t have PTSD and going to Reading festival would be my worst nightmare. It’s a very young crowd, most of them blowing off steam after GCSEs and A levels, and it sounds horrific. DD19 went 2 years ago and even she said never again. Do NOT use this experience as a chance to try to get over your PTSD, most likely it will make it worse.

I’m sorry but your DH is an idiot to buy this for you. Sell the tickets, don’t let him go with a mate. You’d have to look after the kids on your own while he’s off enjoying himself and that’s supposed to be your birthday present? I think not. Sell the tickets and get something you actually want that won’t traumatise you.

Tell him how it made you feel to even think about going. Sell the tickets and get the sentimental item

I am more concerned though about what you went through and how much this issue is still affecting your life
Not sure if you had counselling at the time, but think it could benefit you now. Or possibly head trash clearance.

You will never forget your Dad, but am sure he would not want you living like this

Sell the tickets and buy something else

“Sorry husband, I’m not up for it and to be completely honest, I’m surprised this was your choice of gift for me. Please resell the tickets, I’d like this please (insert link)”.

These crap gift givers need to know! It’s not hard to avoid something you’re phobic of. As you say, I suspect he was thinking about himself - which is totally inappropriate.

OR you take the other tact - ask him to take his friend and when his birthday comes around, get yourself something you actually want.

Reading festival is not 'chilled'. Not like the smaller stages at Glastonbury or even smaller gigs like womad where you could conceivably sit around with enough space. I love a festival and hate Reading due to the younger crowds and it being all crammed in. It's also got a more 'towny' element because it's right IN Reading as opposed to miles away in a field which means the townies descend upon it. This coupled with it being a special birthday means it would be a hard 'no thanks' from me. Tell him to sell the tickets and book a weekend at a spa hotel instead or something you'd actually be excited to go to.

I have similar challenges due to a similar experience and I would absolutely hate this and be so anxious in the run-up that it would make me ill. A birthday present isn't the time to be pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. If you want to at some point, it should be an event of your own choosing on your own timeline.

How do you come to this conclusion?

It isn't a small intimate gig it is a massive full on festival full of 16-18 years olds . I like crowds and noise and yet I still wouldn't want to go to Reading.

I had a partner that always used to buy me expensive jewellery, I was slated on here when I said I didn't want it - everyone said I should be grateful he got me anything. But it was thoughtless.

I think you should sell the tickets and buy the sentimental thing.

I think it was bought with good intentions, but he didn’t quite think it through.

I don’t know which festival, but they’re generally free and easy. You’re not trapped in a field, but can wander about from stage to stage. If you don’t like one act, you just walk to the next. You can also watch the music from nearer the back where it’s less busy.

You say it’s a big birthday. Some festival tickets aren’t cheap, so maybe he thought he was getting something nice.

Are they tickets for a full day at the festival, or can you buy them to see one act of the festival? I wasn’t aware you could do that if the latter. But I wouldn’t have thought a man in his 40s (I’m assuming) would buy tickets to Chappel Roan hoping to go with a friend. I could imagine it more though if he’s bought a day ticket.

If you do decide to go (or any other live music in the future), I find Loop earplugs are really good for taking the edge off loud sounds

This is what is known as a Homer Bowling Ball. A gift tailor made for him under the guise of a present to you (like Homer buying Marge the bowling ball with his own name engraved on it)

Never accept a HBB. It doesn’t matter that he “thought you’d love it,” because you don’t. It shows a lack of understanding and consideration of what you’ve been through. At best it’s wishful thinking on his part, at worst it’s selfish and stupid.

Tell him to sell the tickets, and tell him something you’d like him to buy instead. A night away, jewellery, something for an interest of yours, anything. But focus med on YOU.

Why on earth did he think you would love it?