Daughter not wanting to stay at her dads

[2025letsmakeitthebest1]

I have 3 children with additional needs. I split up from their dad 4 years ago but we get on great as co parents now. They go to his every other weekend and every Wednesday night.
4 weeks ago my eldest was diagnosed with heart disease and last night my son was diagnosed with a benign tumour on his brain which may be causing seizures. My youngest also has brain damage and epilepsy.
Life is so stressful and upsetting at the moment. I had a mental breakdown at the start of this year too.
My eldest is 15 and often doesn’t want to go to her dad’s. Most times I’ve managed to convince her but today she is point blank refusing.
I feel really horrible saying this but I feel I need tonight off as my mental health is struggling so much with these latest diagnosis with my elder two. I feel like I’m just drifting along on a bed of worry and fear.
Am I selfish for wanting her to go? Should I push it or leave her stay home?

Not selfish for wanting her to go

But keep it to yourself

she’s 15, she doesn’t want to uproot tonight and go somewhere else.

presumably she will just spend time in her bedroom anyway

Altho you understandably need some down time I think I'd keep eldest close tonight. They are no doubt feeling the massive shocks you've all had recently +need to stay close to home. They could be worrying about you , their siblings , themselves or all of it.

At what age do I have to accept that she may never want to go and I won’t get any time to myself?
She has ASD and ADHD so can be quite loud and full on. Sometimes I just need quiet and a bit of space.
I love my children to pieces but with all their additional needs it can be very tiring and those short breaks with their dad are the only respite I get.

That is really insightful, thank you for this ❤️

Well, now Op

she is 15
This is her home
she doesn’t want to go elsewhere
just let her be
not like you have to change her nappy or tuck her in op

Would it at all be possible for exh to come to you for this once or would it be too far out of routine?

If he could stay downstairs with the children, you could escape to a bath or your bedroom for a couple of hours.

Or would that be just a step too far?

How are you actually envisaging making her go op?

surely it’s
“I don’t want to go to dad’s
”really? Why not, it’s your night with him “
”i just don’t want to”

then what?

You and your home are clearly her safe space. I’d let her stay at home.
Can you get some time by yourself at home?

No nappies lol but she does need more care than your average 15 year old. Due to her additional needs she’s often awake in the nighttime needing support as she has awful hallucinations and paranoia. She also needs close monitoring with her eating due to her mental health issues. I get that this is her home and it’s where she feels safest but without a break I fear I’ll have another breakdown and be useless for anyone 😢😢

sounds difficult

but you just need to accept you can’t make a 15 year old go to her dad’s overnight op. You just can’t.

This is surely not the right time to be trying for another baby with your second husband and Op?

I’m not trying for another baby. I’m waiting to see a doctor about being sterilised.

I was on your thread where you were asking whether you’d be unreasonable to have another child 😕

Yep and after talking to people on there I realised my hormones were playing tricks on me and it was a momentary blip. I could not cope with anything extra in my life as I’m struggling a lot at the moment as it is.

either way

just think practically - you cannot force a 15 year old to leave her home to go and stay with her dad Op

Vast majority at this age engage with the NRP themselves

I still deal with their dad a lot as my youngest is only 9 and they all have complex health issues that need discussing.
If she was able to be more independent it would be so much easier.

It sounds like life is very hard for your DD also. With complex needs, MH issues, a struggling mum and siblings with their own additional needs. I would want to stay home too.

Let her.

its natural that she will get to an age where she doesn’t want to go. We have had this and my stepdaughter would rather stay in her home town with her friends etc. Key is to make sure she still sees her dad. If she is not going to go there overnight then arrange an evening once a week/fortnight where your ex pics her up and they hang out. Really important to keep that link.

I appreciate you have many other issues going on :(

Am I selfish for wanting her to go?

Of course you aren't. What an absolute shit show - you have literally been dealt a really dud hand in the card game of parenthood!
Sadly though, as the other PP have said, you probably can't force it. But I am in no doubt that you want and need a break from this crap.

Not selfish to want a night off just like any parent.

But you can’t force a 15 year old to go to visitation if they don’t want. All you can do is be an ear and if there is any reason she brings up discuss with ex.

Do you have any services involved where other types of restbite care may happen? Or other family who she enjoys who would be willing to have her one night every so often even if once every few months.

Also what about your DH giving you a break while you even go to a bnb or a mates one night every so often.

Some of these replies are a bit dismissive of the pressure the OP is under, especially as a single parent. I have a DD with similar difficulties and unless you've lived it, it's difficult to understand the sheer relentless level of demand that parenting kids with complex mental health issues creates. Even more so if there's more than one child with problems. In the support groups I belong to you regularly see parents driven to the brink, because there is so little help or support.

It's obviously a really difficult time for your family OP, much sympathy. You can't really make her go but I would continue to gently encourage, and if it's not working, talk to her and your ex about other options (like going out for the evening perhaps) that would allow you even a little bit of me time.

No one is dismissive the OP

what we are “dismissive” about is the idea a 15 year old can be forced out of her home to visit her dad’s. I asked Op how she saw that panning out in practise but no answer

I’m a SP too so understand the need for the break. However I think you have done well for your eldest to get to 15 and still be willing to stay over at her dads sometimes. My eldest is 10 and I’m expecting him not to want to do overnights in the next 3 years or so. Sorry I know it’s not what you want to hear.

At 15 she really doesn’t have to go anywhere she doesn’t want to.

I think you’re quite a way past the age where you can.

It sucks but a 15 yo in the house is not like a little one - you ought to be able to relax at least after the two of you have had dinner? I know you’ve said she has ND but can she accept when you say “I’m not going to be much company tonight, I need to just have a rest”?

My DD is 16 and has been with me and not at all with her Dad (we are divorced) throughout the whole GCSE revision and exam period. And yes I absolutely crave some totally alone time after such a long period - some time other than when I’m working and no one is in the house. But I guess people in partnerships don’t get that and a 15/16 shouldn’t cause more work to a single parent than they do to two parents, if that makes sense!

That sounds really tough!

You're definitely not unreasonable to want the break but I think you might be unreasonable to make her go. Could you explain to her that you need a bit of a break and take yourself off for a bath or relax in your own room and then come together for a takeaway and watch some TV together, maybe something you couldn't watch with the younger ones around