Daughter not wanting to stay at her dads

[2025letsmakeitthebest1]

I have 3 children with additional needs. I split up from their dad 4 years ago but we get on great as co parents now. They go to his every other weekend and every Wednesday night.
4 weeks ago my eldest was diagnosed with heart disease and last night my son was diagnosed with a benign tumour on his brain which may be causing seizures. My youngest also has brain damage and epilepsy.
Life is so stressful and upsetting at the moment. I had a mental breakdown at the start of this year too.
My eldest is 15 and often doesn’t want to go to her dad’s. Most times I’ve managed to convince her but today she is point blank refusing.
I feel really horrible saying this but I feel I need tonight off as my mental health is struggling so much with these latest diagnosis with my elder two. I feel like I’m just drifting along on a bed of worry and fear.
Am I selfish for wanting her to go? Should I push it or leave her stay home?

This is not remotely 50/50 1 night a week plus EOW!

100% what I’m saying too. Not even a year after the split with their father OP had a new “partner” (boyfriend.) and was moving them in and trying to blend families. Married quick after that and wondering why all the kids are flying off the rails and struggling to cope with life. They’ve not had any amount of stability

Is it possible to explain to your daughter that people need time to themselves, and not be responsible for others so that they have time to recharge their batteries? I'd imagine with her ASD she may have some understanding of this.
Unfortunately since you and her Dad aren't together you don't get to share the parenting like a couple would, and this is the way you do it.
Not only that, but her Dad loves her and may be feeling disappointed that he doesn't get to see her.
I have a similar family set up (without the health issues though, my sympathies) and have had this conversation with both of my children on occasion.
You're not being unreasonable by having this chat with her. It's a life lesson too, understanding when someone needs a little space, and knowing it's not because of her, but because you need it for yourself.

And quite honestly no wonder the OP’s mental health is in the gutter. It all sounds utterly bleak

OP can’t have had long herself to heal from the first relationship. Given it was admittedly tumultuous (at best?) I think OP hasn’t done her own MH any favours and I’m not surprised she herself is also verging on/has suffered breakdowns. These things take time and it doesn’t seem OP has allowed that of herself either. She likely needs her own stability.

It’s what works for us as their dad works full time and lives 40 minutes away.
it feels like your just here to judge.

Oh for goodness sakes!

Pointing out the 1 night a week plus EOW is not 50/50, Which is precisely what you said on your other thread, is not judging

although yes…. I think the mess you and these children are in are because you and your partner rushed moving in and marrying and breakneck speed

It’s not judging, it’s pointing out that you’re not giving accurate descriptions. No one in the world would ever describe EOW + one day (sometimes?) as a 50/50 split. You’re not doing yourself any favours by even suggesting it.

She’s 15 and just been diagnosed with heart disease?

as much as you may need some time off I think she probably needs the support more.

Yes. She’s been having episodes of fainting, breathlessness, palpitations and chest pain. An echocardiogram has show that she has congenital heart valve disease. It’s all been quite a shock.

Yes I bet and very very recent and she is the one physically suffering.
so good grief let the girl stay at home if she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s in future without even considering forcing the issue

i did read it right then.

yes it’s been a shock, but it’s not about you at this point. It’s her diagnosis and her facing a lifetime of dealing with it.

you’re her mum. She’ll want safety and security which means home.

you’re going to have to put your own feelings aside and step up for your daughter. Don’t make her a problem that you deal with by sending her away.

Agreed

one would almost be forgiven for thinking it is the OP with the heart disease diagnosis. Added to which, all 4 of the children in the mangled / blended family seem to have had one hell of a rocky time of it

Can you get a needs assessment carried out by social services to see if there is any respite care available for you? Even if it’s for day trips or a support worker visiting? You can’t pour from an empty cup

I have tried multiple times and each time they close us down and say we are doing well when I feel like I’m breaking

OP have you checked out any voluntary respite support you could be getting. In my area there are some teen support / befriending charities that often get a lot of people on a health care track volunteering to gain experience and bulk up CV. Or a more generic family support charity?

You may be able to set something up like a cinema or bowling trip once a week when the other kids are at dad's to give you a few hours.

Take care of yourself, life sounds pretty intense right now.