Daughter not wanting to stay at her dads

[2025letsmakeitthebest1]

I have 3 children with additional needs. I split up from their dad 4 years ago but we get on great as co parents now. They go to his every other weekend and every Wednesday night.
4 weeks ago my eldest was diagnosed with heart disease and last night my son was diagnosed with a benign tumour on his brain which may be causing seizures. My youngest also has brain damage and epilepsy.
Life is so stressful and upsetting at the moment. I had a mental breakdown at the start of this year too.
My eldest is 15 and often doesn’t want to go to her dad’s. Most times I’ve managed to convince her but today she is point blank refusing.
I feel really horrible saying this but I feel I need tonight off as my mental health is struggling so much with these latest diagnosis with my elder two. I feel like I’m just drifting along on a bed of worry and fear.
Am I selfish for wanting her to go? Should I push it or leave her stay home?

I didn’t reply to that part ad I’m obviously not going to force her out of the house.
She had stayed home as I know it’s her safe space to be and I’m not going to take that away from her.
I just wish disability teams realised the amount of pressure and stress parents of special needs children are under.
I’m scared that if I have a break down I won’t be able to care for the three of them.

How supportive is your second husband?

As others have said at 15 she is old enough to make her own decisions. Is it that she just wants to be in your home as that is her safe space or is it not being interested in seeing her dad? If it's just that she wants to stay at home, could you book a hotel for the night and have her dad stay over so he can look after her while you get a break?

I don't know how people find out info about posters on other threads, but if you do have a partner do they live with you and can you trust them with your children to get a break?

He is amazing but there are things he can’t help with.

I can trust my husband with the children but there are things he can’t help them with as he’s not their dad (think personal hygiene).
I could book a hotel but my ex wouldn’t feel comfortable staying here.

Whilst I agree with PP that you can't force her to go I also feel you're not being listened to here - your mental health is rock bottom and she needs a lot of your energy and attention when at home.

Ultimately this could mean she has to go and live with dad when you simply cannot function any more.

You need a solution to this - what does her dad suggest? How is he supporting here? He may not be comfortable in your house but that's the obvious solution.

I have a teen with similar needs, many interruptions during the night, never more than 20 mins without needing a talk during waking hours and noisy and active when entertaining himself. I'm fortunate that whilst he needs me emotionally dh can do pretty much everything ejse when I need time out.

Hopefully her not wanting to go is a temporary thing. I hope you find a solution.

its your DH’s son, your sc, that is causing the biggest stress OP (I was on your other thread). Is he addressing that situation ?

Unfortunately things with sc are no better. They still choose to ignore me and act weird if I’m in the room so I tend to go out at the weekends on my own with my kids so I can avoid the awkwardness. But this post isn’t about that.
Its about the struggles of being the main carer for 3 additional needs kids one of who doesn’t want to leave my side now which as much as I want to help her I also need to look after my health. It’s such a difficult balance to get right.

It sounds like a very stressful and unhappy family environment.

I am guessing not much school?

I think the step child is relevant if they are adding to the list of problems. The older child might be wanting to stick with you more due to that child behaviour child brains don’t always go to the thoughts we do which would be escaping to dads but maybe protecting mum or showing siding with him against the issue.

Though for you it’s just giving you zero down time. She doesn’t see it as adding to your load.

Do they do full weekends ie Friday to Monday with dad? If not then perhaps they can change to this instead of staying Wednesday nights as the upheaval on a school night is quite a lot for a adhd gcse student

I did what I was told by parents at that age even if I didn't want to

The step child definitely is relevant
This DD actively preferred being at her dad’s until recently as a result of how chaotic home life was.
On the thread I was on, she was 50/50 with her dad until fairly recently op?

They’ve been doing every other weekend Friday and home Sunday. I think dropping the Wednesday may be needed for her so she doesn’t have that upheaval during the week. She’s just started a special needs unit after being out of school for 10 months so I think this is adding to it.

I don’t know why you are so keen to go through my old posts.
When I left her dad 4 years ago she hated him to the extent she didn’t want him as her dad. Despite the emotional abuse and control towards me he has always been a good dad and I kept my opinions to myself and actively encouraged eldest dd to keep her relationship with her dad strong. She’s never been massively keen going over and I’ve often given her time away from staying over. She had a short period last year where she thought she’d prefer to spend more time at his. But it lasted a month before she realised this is her home and where she is happiest.
During term time sc only stays here every other weekend and dh catches public transport to go and see him one evening a week for a few hours after school.
The reason I said sc isn’t relevant in this as they are not here on a Wednesday anyway. This was about her just wanting to chill at home in her own room. I was curious what others did at this age.

People are keen to go through your old posts because they paint a picture. It’s not a criticism or judgement but having 3 high needs children and then moving in a difficult step child and new step parent within 4 years of leaving their dad is a lot. High needs children like you’ve described need extra stability and it seems like your DD has had constant chaos.

You need to prioritise your health at least some of the time.

I know it can be difficult to talk about abstract things with someone who has ASD.

Can you explain it as you need some quiet time, that if you had something like cold you would need rest and fluids, this is your mental health, you need rest and quiet.

Ask her what she can do to help?

I also agree that she may be worrying about you and her siblings.

I know she does worry a lot and keeps it to herself.
I’ve explained to her the importance of my down time to keep my own mental health level and she gets that. I can’t switch off when she’s home. I know that if anything happens I’m on call if that makes sense. She’s just been diagnosed with a leaking heart valve which is causing symptoms. When she’s with her dad I can switch off as I know he can handle things.

That does sound hard @2025letsmakeitthebest1 sorry I can't help. Does she have a friend she could stay over with occasionally, or would you just worry then?

Yes but it’s easy for people to misjudge.
My younger two absolutely adore my dh and they have an amazing bond. My eldest also adored dh at the start and my sc adored me. Things have changed as the children have gotten older and nobody could have predicted that. Life throws obstacles at us that blended or biological family; either way would be hard. I often get complimented on how lovely, happy and polite my children are but people on here are quick to read struggles and judge that my children are suffering or that I’m not doing enough.

Friendships are something she’s always struggled to maintain sadly. Her latest ‘best friend’ she’s only known for 4 weeks and I’ve not met her family yet.
She does stay with my mum maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
I totally get why she wants to be here. All of her things are here. She has pets in her room which help her massively and things are exactly as she wants them. That’s why I’d never ‘force’ her to go and stay.
I posted to see what age others let their children make the decision. If I didn’t encourage my youngest she’d never go over either but I know once she’s there she enjoys.

I’m not meaning to judge and of course life happens but 4 years is a very short space of time from their father leaving to having a new step dad and step sibling. To talk about it being “blended” is unrealistic in this time frame particularly when you say they had strong negative feelings and lots to work through re their own DF. They’re clearly still adjusting to all of it and it seems like the whirlwind of change hasn’t stopped. Your SS being problematic adds to their constant turmoil and uncertainty. Your home went from being your DD’s only safe space (while hating her DF) to being somewhere she couldn’t feel safe at all. She had to escape your home and spend time with the father she has mixed feelings for all because yet another volatile male was pushed into her living situation.

The children seeming happy about it in the honeymoon isn’t a green light to get married and force everyone to live together before it’s stood any test of time.

Ok but you said on the other thread that it was “back to normal 50/50” 🤷

It’s not quite 50/50. It’s every other weekend and one night in the week. Sometimes more over holidays, it depends if dad is working.

Oh and on the other thread I was on earlier this year you said you’d been together 3 years

either way breakneck speed to meet, move and marry a man, who has a troubled child of his own (and he doesn’t work or drive!) and so all I’m saying is… this all sounds very chaotic but not just for you OP and so if your children don’t want to gather their bits and traipse off to dad again…. You let them stay