DS won’t allow me to date, but his dad can

[Chronicinsomniazz]

DS is 12, is neurodiverse with asd and ocd.
We have been close as he’s an only child. Separated from now exDH when DS was 6/7, in the middle of lockdown etc. I’ve coparented etc but always been the main parent.
Ex has dated, had partners, DS has never met any but dad has spoken about them with him etc.
I recently decided to get back into the dating world, had a date which I didn’t tell DS about, had mentioned to a friend I was chatting to someone and was arranging a date. DS overheard and was incredibly angry, triggered a meltdown. I know he hates changes and I wouldn’t be moving anyone into his life, at the moment I’m looking for companionship on weekends when he’s with his dad. Tried to reassure DS of this but it was utterly futile.
Ive asked him why his dad is fine to do this but I’m not, he can’t explain.

AIBU to ask how to navigate this world with my DS, ideally he wouldn’t have known, but now my reaction inside feels like I’m stuck being his number 1 parent for a good few years to come, which I guess is part of the job, but I’d like a life when he’s with his dad.

Continue to do your thing when he's not around but keep schtum about it.

He won’t like change, and I am sure you dating triggers all sorts of insecurities but that’s not a reason for you not to date when he is not there.

He has a life, his dad has a life, and so do you. I expect he can understand fairness if he can separate it from the big feelings of abandonment.

I don’t have any good advice as to how to help him process it and ‘let go’ of you but it is worth doing.

Would he accept something like a promise that he won’t have to meet any dates and you won’t move a man in until he’s finished year 13? I think that a lot of teens from separated families dread the possibility that their parent will move in a stepparent and stepkids.

I think that a lot of teens are squeamish about parents dating and having sex too (they don’t realise that parents feel the same) but as it will be out of his sight, hopefully he can keep it out of his mind.

Carry on doing what you were, he’s isn’t allowed to dictate your whole life and he needs to learn that. You won’t be doing him any favours by letting him think he was able to tell you that you weren’t allowed to date and you listened

Just keep your private life that until he’s older.

Keep dating in private for sure. Be careful he doesn’t find out. But ready to give him an honest answer if he asks you directly.

And consider it a softly, slowly, work in progress for the years to come to reassure your son and make him feel secure - and by the time he reaches adulthood - prepared to accept you having a relationship.

The end goal is a happy confident son at 18, 19, 20 years old who can accept his mother having a new relationship (whether serious or not)!

Tell him that you are the adult and will make the decisions, then do what you want to, don't make a big deal of it, but go really slowly

DS I can see that you are upset. I understand that you need time to get your head around this new news.

I am your mum and you are my priority, just like dad is your dad and you are his priority.

Just like dad is a man with his own life, needs and hopes, I am a woman with my own needs and hopes.

You will not miss out because I am finding happiness and balance in other areas of my life. In fact, my happiness will allow my to be a better mother too, because I will have topped up my own wellbeing.

Then don’t conceal or hide your truths, as the unknown can be worrying for kids.

Heck no. He doesn't get to dictate that you must be lonely.
Just date quietly for a while.

Sounds like you are closer to him, so any perceived loss or sharing of you may strike him more strongly than with his dad.
Also, if you date, presumably you date men. They are scarier than women.
But I agree with the advice so far-- do what you're going to do but without exposing him to it directly for now.

You don’t have to be loud about it but you also can’t keep it so “quiet” that he thinks he’s got his way on this. He needs to know you are a whole person, not just his mum. The best way to do this this for him to know you are dating but that nothing has changed. Continually reassure him that who you spend time with when he is at his dads is your decision and business and all adults need to have lives and relationships outside their homes.

Meltdown again is fine, anxiety will happen but the situation needs to be normalised. He doesn’t get to decide you can’t date. Especially as he doesn’t put these restrictions on his dad. The more you keep reaffirming him that you may go on dates but you will always be there for him and your home life isn’t changing the more normal it will become.

If you are letting a 12 year old decide what you can and can't do you are setting yourself up for a life of misery.
No, you should not be moving another bloke in or introducing him to your kid, but you can see whoever you like when your son is with his dad.

Is his Dad a reasonable man? Could he explain that women are allowed to date as well as men, even if they’re mothers, otherwise the whole heterosexual dating system would collapse (especially as women are usually the ones left holding the baby).

Keep it private. You can't not live your life because he doesnt like it.

I have an inflexible ASD daughter too. In this instance I'd ignore this and do what I wanted when she wasn't around and just not mention it. If she ever found out and yelled at me I'd explain that she couldn't dictate my life and what I did in my own time was my own business... rinse and repeat. She'd grump about it but ultimately would get distracted as she wouldn't actually see it going on. Sadly it would mean no new guy meeting the kid or moving in.

He already knows that you're starting dating so I don't think you can just pretend you're not. Luke others said though, he doesn't need to know any of the details and I'd be careful to keep it separate.
I'm also a single parent, splitting from DS's dad when he was four. I've dated on and off since then, and, until DS was fifteen and I met a man I realised was going to be a serious relationship, he knew nothing of it.
I think you tell him that he is your priority and always will be and that you don't expect anything to change. The only thing you can do is keep reassuring him if he brings it up and be honest if he asks direct questions, but I'd try keep it quiet and hope the moment passes.

Don't tell him. It really is that simple.

Keep your private life, private. Your son, neurodiverse or not, doesn't get to dictate your life.

This.

Don't let him dictate, none of his business what you as an adult do, especially when he's not around.

This. Good advice.

I wouldn't keep it from him but you can't not live your life because he says so. Keep reassuring him you won't be bringing anyone in to the house but that he doesn't get to dictate who you see, just like you wouldn't dictate to him that he can't have friends/girlfriends.

He may be ND, but that is not a reason for him to have complete control over your romantic life. I think it would not serve him well to think he had that kind of control over another person.

You can talk to him about control, his dad might have to talk to him, but you do deserve a life outside of caring for him.

People saying not to tell him, you're basically showing him that if he doesn't like something about what you're doing then he can just forbid you from doing it and you'll listen. That's a bad precedent to set.

^^ This.

ND is irrelevant - he doesn't have the right to control what you do.

I'd discuss this with your ex and find a way to tackle the issue.