DS won’t allow me to date, but his dad can

51 replies

Chronicinsomniazz · 18/06/2025 14:33

DS is 12, is neurodiverse with asd and ocd.
We have been close as he’s an only child. Separated from now exDH when DS was 6/7, in the middle of lockdown etc. I’ve coparented etc but always been the main parent.
Ex has dated, had partners, DS has never met any but dad has spoken about them with him etc.
I recently decided to get back into the dating world, had a date which I didn’t tell DS about, had mentioned to a friend I was chatting to someone and was arranging a date. DS overheard and was incredibly angry, triggered a meltdown. I know he hates changes and I wouldn’t be moving anyone into his life, at the moment I’m looking for companionship on weekends when he’s with his dad. Tried to reassure DS of this but it was utterly futile.
Ive asked him why his dad is fine to do this but I’m not, he can’t explain.

AIBU to ask how to navigate this world with my DS, ideally he wouldn’t have known, but now my reaction inside feels like I’m stuck being his number 1 parent for a good few years to come, which I guess is part of the job, but I’d like a life when he’s with his dad.

OP posts:

Dramatic · 18/06/2025 21:37

Sandy420 · 18/06/2025 17:17

As always lots of ignorant people on here with zero understanding of the anxiety children with ASD go through - not to mention him having OCD which involves high levels of anxiety itself.

He's not trying to rule you or control you or call the shots or dictate what you can do or any of the other shit being peddled here - he is just a kid who is absolutely terrified about losing his mum. And clearly he is much more terrified of losing his mum then he is of losing his dad - which is why he is ok with his dad dating.

That said it is unreasonable for him to expect you to never date again if that is something that you want to do. Lying to him though is a terrible, terrible idea, autistic kids often see things in a black and white way - and lying is generally seen as bad full stop. He probably will never trust you the same again if he finds out you've lied about this - and as you've only been on one date and not even managed to keep that quiet I don't fancy your chances.

What you need to do is gently tell him that you are going to go on dates with other people but that it won't impact on his life and then let him have time to process it and get his head around it. Then keep it out of his face, don't talk about it in front of him and let him see that it's not impacting on his life.

You do realise that being autistic doesn't mean someone is incapable of being controlling right?

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