DS won’t allow me to date, but his dad can

[Chronicinsomniazz]

DS is 12, is neurodiverse with asd and ocd.
We have been close as he’s an only child. Separated from now exDH when DS was 6/7, in the middle of lockdown etc. I’ve coparented etc but always been the main parent.
Ex has dated, had partners, DS has never met any but dad has spoken about them with him etc.
I recently decided to get back into the dating world, had a date which I didn’t tell DS about, had mentioned to a friend I was chatting to someone and was arranging a date. DS overheard and was incredibly angry, triggered a meltdown. I know he hates changes and I wouldn’t be moving anyone into his life, at the moment I’m looking for companionship on weekends when he’s with his dad. Tried to reassure DS of this but it was utterly futile.
Ive asked him why his dad is fine to do this but I’m not, he can’t explain.

AIBU to ask how to navigate this world with my DS, ideally he wouldn’t have known, but now my reaction inside feels like I’m stuck being his number 1 parent for a good few years to come, which I guess is part of the job, but I’d like a life when he’s with his dad.

Just tell him that it's none of his business what you do and that's the end of it. You're giving him too much power here and it's not healthy for neither one of you.

Nobody, neurodiverse or not, has the right to tell you whether you can date.

As someone with autism, it can be very difficult to adjust our ideas about how things should be. We tend to see how the world could be if everyone just did everything properly and get very frustrated that NT can’t get their acts together to make the world better.

That translates down to his mother springing on him that she might introduce a boyfriend or girlfriend into the household. You might know that you have no intention of bringing your dating life home, but your son is looking at all the possible outcomes whenever a change is introduced. Will her attention be divided? Will this person end up in my space? Will they get married? Think of his brain going into overdrive and looking at every possibility. Hence the meltdown.

in a moment where things are calm, you should raise the subject again. Start by saying that if you were to date, you would want to keep that separate from him and only when he was with his dad. Explain that you understand a parent getting into a relationship can have implications for their child and you have no intention of doing anything that is going to change his life. Ask him about his particular concerns.

This! YABU for tiptoeing around him over this. It's time he learned that you're not an extension of him, you don't belong to him, you're a person in your own right and you have a life separate to him. And that none of this affects how much you love him. Maybe he has concerns about any potential new partners? He needs to communicate them so you can reassure him. He can't help having a meltdown but he can recover from it and come back to you with a more appropriate form of communication. Raging at you isn't ok so don't allow it. Letting him think he rules the roost and dating on the sly might be the easy option for you now, but your job is to raise him to be a functioning member of society as much as possible and letting him think he calls the shots isn't helpful for his future relationships.

^. As PPs have said, carry on but don’t tell him

Might his fear be that you have another baby and he would have to share your love?

Blended families are so common now that he must know some at school etc, and I think this is a reasonable fear for any child, ND or not

Spot on 👌

Keep it quiet, OP.

You are his stability and it's the fear of change and being displaced that's talking here.

Some of these rational responses here are great for an anxious but nurotypical child but wouldn't work for one with ASD.

Keep things separate, have code words if you want to speak to friends while your DS is around and take things slowly.

Agree with this. A child cannot be allowed to dictate what an adult does with the 'adult' part of their life.

I strongly disagree with keeping it a secret. He doesn't need to know details, he doesn't need to meet anyone, but it's important he comes to terms with you dating.

Firstly because he might well guess or find out anyway and that will damage your relationship. But also because otherwise you are teaching him that he can dictate the personal lives of women he loves. That is a very dangerous lesson and we see that in far too many adult men already.

Just carry on and dont talk about it until you meet someone you're sure about.

Unfortunatly for him it is a case of tough shit. He has no right to call the shots on that one. Keep going on dates. I also sugest getting him to see an appropriatly trained therapist.

I disagree. I am ASD and have all ASD children. You can’t retract now, the cat is fully out the bag. If OP were to say “okay I’ll never date because it makes you uncomfortable” they are laying the groundwork that not only is DS in control here but “uncomfortable” things are inherently bad and to be avoided. Change is extremely difficult for us but it is also a necessary part of life.

OP should stay on current track. Reassure her son she knows it’s uncomfortable and scary but it is a grown up matter. It’s not for DS to dictate how OP spends her time when he is safely with his father. Then it’s a case of consistently being there and showing up. He doesn’t need to be told when OP is going on a date but he can’t think she’s doubled back on this.

I agree with those recommending that you carry on dating and don’t talk about it. You don’t have to keep it a secret, but don’t introduce him to anyone unless you meet someone special.

One of my friends dated her now husband for 12 years, they were both divorced with children and decided not to blend households until all the children were adults. It’s worked out well and their children always knew that they were the priority.

Date and don’t tell him. That’s how it should be.

Everyone is allowed to have friends & a support network

It is good to learn for ASD kids that parents, specifically mums, are their own person with their own interests and adult things going on. I'm ASD and am grateful that my mum always emphasised she's more than only my mum. It's very easy to want people to stick to their box and gender roles, but that's not real life.

Start with talking gently about relationships on a general PHSE level, and their ideas about what men and women can and can't do. I'd also check whether he's taken some Andrew Tate videos to heart.

He doesn’t get to dictate your personal life. And it’s not good to associate meltdowns to him as ways to get you change your behaviour or adult decisions.

he is allowed to have opinions and to share them if requested, respectfully to you. Nothing more.

he stay at his fathers when you go out and date. Neurodivesorty and MH struggles mean you deserve compassion and adaptions where reasonable. They don’t mean you get to control or dictate how others live. Even your parents. This is such an important lesson to learn for people who struggle with control and change.

best to learn in the safety of home and loving relationships rather than when trying to navigate teenage and young adult relationships.

don’t lie OP but obviously a bit more circumspect on how much you divulge.

I think it's normal. Children are often fine with their parent of the same sex dating, but feel very weird about their parent of the opposite sex dating.

As others have said, don't be ruled by him. But also maybe don't share too much?

I actually have some sympathy with your DS on this. Parental dating often has a negative impact on children when not handled very carefully. From the child's POV it's just random people they have no interest in / no choice about rocking up in their lives and homes. I've recently separated from my OH and it turned out that both my two (10 & 13) have been worrying quietly about the advent of new partners, moving in etc potentially with other children as well. They've seen it play out plenty of times in the lives of their friends. Luckily I am VERY happy to live man-free indefinitely so it's not an issue! I think you have to work gently through his fears (what exactly is he envisaging?).

I’ve been dating a man for 18 months. It has had literally zero impact on my 12 and 14 year old. They’ve never met him, they go to their dads every second weekend and my parents once a week and always have. That has continued, so no impact on their schedule or extra time away from me (other than a handful of extra nights but I have always had extra nights out with my friends so no difference there). It’s an actual non-event for them.

Please don’t proliferate the stigma associated with a single mum dating. We are allowed and it is 100% possible to do it without any impact on your kids.

This.

Unfortunately my near adult step son has dictated the dating life of his mum, even though he’s been with us every weekend since he was young(so she had time to do so), he also has ADHD, his mum is so terrified of his meltdowns etc that she hasn’t dated for 14 years because of it, not even in secret, definitely no way to live.

As always lots of ignorant people on here with zero understanding of the anxiety children with ASD go through - not to mention him having OCD which involves high levels of anxiety itself.

He's not trying to rule you or control you or call the shots or dictate what you can do or any of the other shit being peddled here - he is just a kid who is absolutely terrified about losing his mum. And clearly he is much more terrified of losing his mum then he is of losing his dad - which is why he is ok with his dad dating.

That said it is unreasonable for him to expect you to never date again if that is something that you want to do. Lying to him though is a terrible, terrible idea, autistic kids often see things in a black and white way - and lying is generally seen as bad full stop. He probably will never trust you the same again if he finds out you've lied about this - and as you've only been on one date and not even managed to keep that quiet I don't fancy your chances.

What you need to do is gently tell him that you are going to go on dates with other people but that it won't impact on his life and then let him have time to process it and get his head around it. Then keep it out of his face, don't talk about it in front of him and let him see that it's not impacting on his life.

Which is fine if you can make it work. But plenty of single parent dating isn't like that, and you know it isn't. I think it's ok to say that children are not infrequently just meant to fit in with their parents' love lives, and actually it's ok for them to....to just not want to? I genuinely don't blame mine for feeling the way they do, given how they've seen it play it out in friends' families. But I realise it's easier for me to acknowledge their feelings when I'd rather stick pointy things in my eye than deal with any more blokes.

Not telling him anything about it sounds like caving into his demands and I would be very reluctant to do that. I don't think that would do him any good at all long term.

I would very gently explain that you understand his concerns, but he does not get to govern what you do or don't do in your own time.