Comments about shape of body and clothes

[ChristmasTime2023]

Aibu to feel so upset and hurt by this?

This morning my mum said my dress looked awful on me and my hips looks 'absolutely massive' just as we was about to go out coffee
I felt pretty good about myself before hand as I've only recently starting wearing dresses again after losing 5 stone this past year and I've worked really hard and always struggled with my weight! I'm still overweight at a size 16 now instead of a 22/24

I quickly went to get changed and had abit of a meltdown because everything i tried on i felt too fat to wear.

We then had an argument when I come back downstairs as she probably could tell if had a little cry saying I'm being dramatic
My response was oh F off (that made the situation worse)

The OP's mother was spiteful and insensitive. There are far better ways to tell someone that what they're wearing doesn't suit them.

What a nasty comment - I get that she’s jealous. My mother made nasty comments about me too. Wear what you want. You can wear anything you want. I bet that you looked fantastic.

@ChristmasTime2023

She says she doesn't mean these things in a nasty way just having a conversation is what she said (and then the whole speech of i won't say anything again then I'm not allowed to talk ill sit in silence) 🙄

What a pathetic way to respond.

She is saying nasty things. It's not a conversation, as she frames it, to throw insults at people/family members, it's a form of abuse.

Please don't let her nastiness derail you. It's a massive achievement to lose that much weight, and it can be challenging to work out what clothes suit us after losing weight (not that I'm suggesting you looked anything other than lovely!)

If she comments negatively again, as well as 'fuck off' please add 'when I want fashion advice, I'll ask someone nice and kind, and whose opinion I value, and that doesn't include you'.

What is it with mothers thinking it’s ok to say stuff like this to/ about their daughters? I bet they wouldn’t say it about their friend or their son. She needs actual help. To not be able to control what comes out of your mouth to your OWN CHILD is completely unacceptable!

well done on your weight loss! I bet your rocked that dress and she was probably jealous! I’d of told her to F off as well!

I overheard my mum (when she thought she had put the phone down) say to her boyfriend “yeah she’s only been fat since having the last baby” I was just getting ready to go out and cried too because of our own mothers can say such things what is everyone else thinking right?! Awful! 😞

Yes but there’s a tactful way to say it and really unless it was really bad I wouldn’t say anything unless asked!

God, what a cow she is.

You have done brilliantly. Ignore her.

Your response was perfect!

I’m not surprised! I’d be saying that to her as well. Look mum im
the only one you have got to help
you out so please don’t say such hurtful things or I’ll be forced to step away too x

I do think hearing it from your own mother cuts deeper than a stranger and you automatically think it must be true and everyone thinks it if my mother does

The mum probably wants her overweight, low self confidence, low energy & mood so she’s easier to manipulate and use for her own gains 😡

Thank you 🩷
I do sometimes ask how somthing looks if it's new or I'm trying somthing on but today I hadn't asked and was just about to leave the house so it really threw me.

I love her and I want to help her when she needs it I do feel bad for her that the others don't see her as much and she is on her own.
If its not shopping or doctors it's things like the tv isn't working properly or sending emails she's ordered somthing and it's wrong and needs returning just day to day stuff and I feel terrible saying no

Your mother sounds a nasty piece , don't go out with her again . Well done on your weight loss , I bet you looked fab and she was jealous

Please don’t let this knock your confidence. You sound amazing- I’m trying to lose weight so some one like you is a real inspiration. I bet you looked great!

It is absolutely NOT a generational thing it's a nasty bitchy thing that unchecked only gets worse. My lovely mum is 82 and whippet thin and I'm almost double her weight but she only ever tells me how nice I look or just doesn't comment. A mum's job is to build up her daughter not drag her down and that doesn't change from 15 to 50.

She sounds awful so I'm not surprised others have pulled back and for your own sanity I'd suggest you do too. Daily visits are totally unnecessary at the best of times but especially when you're treated like this - could it be a control thing? Is she lonely ? The stately homes thread is great and may help you learn to put in some boundaries of your own.

My Mum used to make comments like this. I realised years ago that it actually has nothing to do with me, but her insecurity about her own looks, transferring that onto me, and a determination to keep me feeling as bad about myself as she does about herself. For years I had a blanket rule that she was not to comment my appearance - not positive, not negative, not anything. It took a while, some tears and tantrums, but she got it in the end. Now she comments again, but if it is unkind or nasty I tell her exactly that. That usually makes her stop up and shut up.

Amazing weight loss, that is such an achievement. Total inspiration. I’ve lost a stone in 3 months and it’s been really hard so hats off to you!

Before I got to the end of your post my brain was saying “Fuck off mum” so I think entirely the correct response. I would ignore any passive aggressive silences or woe is me for the next few days. The next time she tests her toe in the catty water I’d go with “If you can say anything nice….” Evil stare. And then leave if she starts with the Bs “it was only a joke”. She’ll learn soon enough if you are firm that you are a grown woman and not her whipping boy because she’s having a bad day.

You shouldn't feel terrible for saying no. You're not her PA. You don't exist to serve her. You've got a life of your own and you should be living it, not running round after a nasty rude person. She can sort all this stuff out for herself, pay someone else to be a PA to help her or wait until you next visit to ask your help. You don't have to come running just because she wants something done right away.

Don't feel bad that the others don't visit, she brought that on herself and she could try to rectify it too if she wanted. A genuine apology for whatever she's done to wrong them would be a good start. She'll never do that though because she enjoys treating people like dirt.

I'd cut visiting down to once a week, that's still a huge amount and way more often than most people would be willing to do. She's likely making up reasons why she wants you to visit daily to prevent you from having a proper life of your own, she wants you around to be her unpaid companion and assistant.

If she said something like that I would be going for coffee without her, wearing the lovely dress.

My mum was like this . She once famously said I love how you can put weight on and not be bothered by it . Just as we were about to sit down to the xmas dinner I had made and invited her to . As she shared with us every year until she went into a home . They seem to think because you're their daughter that gives then carte blanche to say things they would never say to anyone else . I would let her know it's upsetting though. Say thanks for that just as I was feeling really chuffed having lost 5 stones !
For heavens sake 5 stones is fantastic achievement ! Has she commented on that at all ? I think sometimes its a weird kind of jealousy - just because we're younger . The old adage if you can't say anything nice then say nothing at all does still apply to mothers and daughters !

You really need to work on your boundaries and assertiveness. I strongly recommend therapy if you can find the time and money for it.

And have a read of 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

You need to reduce the frequency of your visits, obviously. Set up online shopping, prescription delivery (pharmacies do this), anything else that she wants help with can wait until your next visit, unless it's an absolute emergency. Aim to cut down to 1-2 times a week eventually, maybe start with every other day to begin with.

One more suggestion. Tell her you want her to stop the criticism, and the next time she makes a critical comment, you will leave. Then do it. Leave every single time she criticises. Don't make a fuss, don't argue with her, just leave. If you stand firm, she will soon learn that if she wants your help she will have to shut the fuck up.