Comments about shape of body and clothes

[ChristmasTime2023]

Aibu to feel so upset and hurt by this?

This morning my mum said my dress looked awful on me and my hips looks 'absolutely massive' just as we was about to go out coffee
I felt pretty good about myself before hand as I've only recently starting wearing dresses again after losing 5 stone this past year and I've worked really hard and always struggled with my weight! I'm still overweight at a size 16 now instead of a 22/24

I quickly went to get changed and had abit of a meltdown because everything i tried on i felt too fat to wear.

We then had an argument when I come back downstairs as she probably could tell if had a little cry saying I'm being dramatic
My response was oh F off (that made the situation worse)

At 61 and 66, we hope not! Very conscious of not becoming so 😁

My mum does this. Then it's Oh well I'm sorry but you'd rather I tell you!

No actually, I wouldn't.

That’s the sort of comment my DM would’ve made. One of the many reasons I’m NC with her. You’ve done remarkably well to lose so much weight OP, don’t let her spitefulness and jealousy ruin it for you. I bet you looked great.

What a rotten insensitive thing to say to you, I would have cried too!! Losing that amount of weight is no mean feat so very well done. I bet you looked lovely, maxi dresses are flattering (as someone 5 ft 1 size 18-20, I should know) Your mum sounds like an awful person, it's all very well that she speaks her mind, but belittling her daughter and making you feel so bad is just plain nasty. My DD know that I'm plain speaking and often ask me how things look on them, but there's ways and means of being diplomatic without hurting someone. I'm glad you told her to fuck off, she deserved it. Hugs 💐x

I would never, ever, speak to my adult daughter like that. Your mother sounds like a horrible woman. She needs to keep her nasty opinions to herself and should have been told this years ago.

My very overweight Mum used to make comments like that about my body when I was a size 6/8. It’s normally because they’re jealous OP- certainly was in my Mums case. It’s pathetic in the true sense of the word

I've got zero tolerance for this shit now OP, I just wouldn't see her again. Put her on an information diet too, that way she can't have opinions on anything concerning you, your family or your life.

I also think I’d tell her that you aren’t able to do the shopping every week, and she might need some more help with prescriptions because you are feeling amazing after your weight loss and therefore have taken up gym/swimming/seeing friends more

Your mother should be your biggest cheerleader, who finds you utterly spectacular regardless what size/shape you are or what clothes you wear. What she said was not necessary (even if she thought it). She then had the temerity to dismiss your upset and use it as an excuse to criticise you further. Well done on your amazing steps to regain your health. I’m on the same mission myself, and I promise you, your inner self critic is a liar. Your mind will catch up with your body. Your response was an acceptable one and wholly justified. YANBU ❤️

Oh no no no! Absolutely horrid, no excuses, age, personality, whatever. F-off is an understatement in my opinion. It also seems like she fully takes you for granted. Speaking to you in any way other than respectful is not something you should expect or accept. There has to be consequences for that type of behaviour and I’d be reducing contact, not as a result of bad behaviour, but generally, everyday is too much. Consequences for me would be cancelling the next visit.

You should be really proud of yourself, you’ve done really very well! That takes some work, however you go about it! Feel proud. A 16 in the UK is the average size, or it was last I heard!

Or I'm the only one stupid enough to do it

No, not stupid. Kind, responsible, loyal.

Is your mother very ill or incapacitated, @ChristmasTime2023? Because I’d imagine most people in their 70s do their own shopping. Why can’t she get deliveries from Tesco or Sainsbury’s?

Well done on the weight loss! It really isn’t possible to look ‘absolutely massive’ at a size 16 - so I’m guessing your mother is worried that your new-found confidence in your appearance will incline you to spend less time at her beck and call. That’s why she was so nasty.

Prove her right. Direct her to the Tesco app …

Ah I feel your pain. Last summer I bought a lovely floaty dress (size 10) and my mother kind of sneered at me and said ‘I didn’t know you were pregnant again’. I’m nearly 50. And definitely not pregnant. I just tell myself that she’s of the generation that know no better. We live a long way away so I don’t have to tolerate things like this very often luckily.

"She says she doesn't mean these things in a nasty way just having a conversation is what she said (and then the whole speech of i won't say anything again then I'm not allowed to talk ill sit in silence) 🙄"

Kind of thing my mum would say because she can't possibly say anything nice or keep her unsolicited opinion to herself.

Then she turned your hurt response round onto herself and played the victim to try and make you feel unreasonable/bad for being upset by her unkind comment.

As for the whole speech of 'wont say anything again, etc' your only response to this in future should be "glad to hear it, if I want your opinion I'll ask for it", or, "if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all" followed by "I don't want to hear your justifications for saying nasty things".

She knows you're sensitive about your weight and she needlessly hit you where it hurts. That says more about her than it does about you or what she actually said.

Have a think about it, the times she's critical of you/your family versus the times she says nice things. I bet there's a pattern or she's always been like it and now you have your independence and life of your own, I'll put money on her resenting that and wanting to make you feel as miserable as she does instead of being proud of you.

Well done on the weight loss, that is a brilliant achievement and bollocks to what she says. Time to care less about her opinions I think or call her out on her thoughtless comments. Each. And. Every. Time.

Christ, sorry for the essay!

Well done on the weight loss and I'm sure you looked lovely. Please try not to let your mum's comments undermine how you feel about yourself. It honestly sounds like she's a bit jealous. My mum was like this and in the end I stopped asking her opinion on anything.

Oh, and the rest of the family being low contact with her speaks volumes. Maybe they got the measure of her unkindness and thought they don't want to be around or part of that.

That was a nasty thing to say to you. I've just lost 2 st 11lbs, it's taken since September last year, and although I know I've got a bit to go, I feel great and I'm a size 16. Don't let her talk your achievement down. If you have something to wear that you love, and you think it looks OK, just wear it. Well done on the weight loss and keep going - and ignore that crass and nasty comment.

Your mother intends to be nasty when she makes such comments to you. She is a bully and has always been one. She knows she does it but also knows you’ll suck it up because she has done it all your life. She almost definitely feels jealous of you and your achievements. To denigrate your accomplishments is a way of her trying to bolster her fragile ego.
Take a break from her. Do you need to see her every day? Are you happy to leave your children with her unchaperoned for any length of time in case she does the same to them? If you are, you know what to do.
Congratulations on your amazing weight loss. You are worth more than this shitty behaviour. Go out with your head held high. (I wish someone had given me this advice many years ago.)

That's pretty mean of her.

My Dad said to me when I was about 14 that I was the fattest of the whole lot after we'd had a school choir concert. Didn't mention the singing or anything. I still remember that all these years later. At the time I'd been on steroids and had put on weight, so was probably into the overweight category.

Luckily I didn't develop an eating disorder.

No idea why parents say these things. I'd never ever say that to any of mine even if they were morbidly obese (they're normal weight) because the only thing it does is upset the person.

Well done losing that weight, that's great. I suppose just try to rise above your Mum's mean comment? I'd also maybe avoid her for a while.

How horrible. I'd have reacted the same and had a good cry. I'm slimmer than you but have always been pretty pear-shaped and i hate it. If anyone said that to me, it would really set me back. I've only recently learnt not to care as much.

You've done great to loose all that weight, well done you!

And you know why you’re the only one who does her shopping and sorts out her prescriptions, don’t you? She has been using her power over you to make you feel guilty and do all she wants.
I’m sorry. You have all my sympathy. Perhaps there is time to tell her how she makes you feel and how, if she wants a fulfilling relationship, she needs to make an effort.

Me too! Both my mum and my daughter are blunt, thank goodness as sometimes I do need the fashion police. I usually take their advice, occasionally laugh and ignore ( but those days I get less compliments from strangers). I definitely would not tell them to eff off, I value my life😂😂

is she also overweight? If so she’s jealous of how well you’ve done I guarantee it 😏

Is there any chance she is jealous?

Great work OP. I hope you are proud of what you have already achieved.

Repeating the earlier question- why do you have to see her every day? I think you would benefit from time away from her, doing what YOU want.
She seems to be taking you for granted as you’re always at her beck and call.
She doesn’t need shopping and prescription collection done every day, does she?
Tell her the days you’re prepared to see her and stick to it.