Comments about shape of body and clothes

[ChristmasTime2023]

Aibu to feel so upset and hurt by this?

This morning my mum said my dress looked awful on me and my hips looks 'absolutely massive' just as we was about to go out coffee
I felt pretty good about myself before hand as I've only recently starting wearing dresses again after losing 5 stone this past year and I've worked really hard and always struggled with my weight! I'm still overweight at a size 16 now instead of a 22/24

I quickly went to get changed and had abit of a meltdown because everything i tried on i felt too fat to wear.

We then had an argument when I come back downstairs as she probably could tell if had a little cry saying I'm being dramatic
My response was oh F off (that made the situation worse)

It was a really spiteful thing to say but my mum used to make cutting remarks when I put on weight. Of course, when I lost it, not a word of congratulations. Have you got a target weight/dress size or are you happy with what you've lost?

Dont see her daily or contact all, until she apologises.

I do think age has a lot to do with it she says lots of things that most people wouldn't that I normally just roll my eyes at. It probably hurt more today because I've been trying so hard to lose weight (and I actually felt pretty good she said anything)

Unfortunately I have to see her as I'm the one who does her shopping, sorts her prescriptions out things like that. And I'm the only one of of my family that will

In future when she does something like that , I think you should just refuse to go out with her.

As for the sulking if she can't say anything she will sit in silence, then let her. Or tell her that yes it might be best if she only has rude things to say. Time to push back and stand up to her.

Typical narcy narc trying to piss on your parade!

Well done for the weight loss, it’s obviously getting to her! Keep it up lovely 💖 you’re doing amazing work

Your mum sounds horrible.

Unfortunately I have to see her as I'm the one who does her shopping, sorts her prescriptions out things like that. And I'm the only one of of my family that will

Why is that? Is she vile to everyone?

You've done so well with your weight loss and you're a nice person to help her so much. Don't let her erode your self worth.

Ps, know a thing or two about it

My grandmother literally sneers when she sees me confident. It’s hilarious to watch now. Gotta learn to enjoy winding narcs up. Go hard, succeed more and rub their nasty faces in it!

Sorry to hear your mum was like that too!

It's strange how some mothers can be to daughters but not there sons.
My older brother (who only sees her twice a year) is the absolutely amazing at everything he does she couldn't say a bad word about him me and my sister though not so much

My mum said similar to me when I got out if rbe car to meet her and dad at grandads funeral.
I was bloody crushed and it still hurts thinking about it as I was in a lovely dress that cost me a few hundred pounds. I could never wear it again.
I said she was hurtful. She said I was too sensitive.
She'll never change.

Well that tells us all we need to know!

You don’t need to do this every day. Most surgeries uses patches or similar for prescriptions now and her shopping can be delivered.

I think a couple of weeks of that would focus her mind and make her realise how bloody lucky she is to have you. I’d like you to tell her so, too.

If and when you continue more regular visits, and the rudeness creeps back, tell her “don’t talk to me like that mum, I’ve no obligation to be here”. Then leave, every time, until the message sinks in.

Why do you have to do these things for her? Prescriptions can be automated and delivered. Ditto shopping (even easier). Even if she claims all of that is beyond her (merely in her 70’s?) you can do it remotely. Time to drop the rope.

You are important.

That’s something called narcissist triangulation. Your bro is the golden child, but you should know with him she’ll be talking about you and your sis to create jealousy. It’s just divide and conquer

Yeah, kind of she's very.. opinionated so I think that's why also my brother and sister are in there 50s and I'm 35 so maybe that's why it's left to me. Or I'm the only one stupid enough to do it 🤷 🙄

She seems my sister every 2 weeks ish, and my brother probably twice a year

To be honest, no one makes nasty comments like this to me, so I’m just thinking out loud here.

i think if someone said this to me, i would just stare at them. Eg if she made a comment about your body, look her body up and down in a judgemental manner. Then say something that you know will get under her skin like “that’s rich from you”, “thank you” or even just start laughing at the incredulity

my thought process is you just want to twist the insult onto them and give them the complex they are trying to give you!

It’s not ‘mothers’ or her age. Most mothers of her age don’t do this.

This is about your mother behaving nastily.

Suggest heading over to the Stately Homes (dysfunctional families) threads (relationships section of MN) for some resources and wise posters.

If she sulks about ‘not being allowed to say anything’ that’s a good opportunity to confirm that, and ask her not to offer you unsolicited, negative feedback on your body, clothes, relationship, whatever else she’s upset you about.

But there's always a nicer way to do this though isn't there?

Your mum saying "you look awful and massive in that dress" rather than saying "I don't think the cut or style of the dress suits you" is just being mean.

Well done on losing 5 stone... fabulous achievement.

Mothers can sometimes be overly critical, often because they care and are concerned. Just shrug it off and carry on with your diet well done.

also I have quite narrow hips and I’d much rather they were bigger. Don’t let her make you feel self conscious cause there’s definitely people that would love to have wider hips! If I had full hips I would wear dresses everyday.

It can be a generation thing or a weird mother and daughter thing. I personally think if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything. But would appreciate someone telling me something didn’t suit me IF it was thoughtfully delivered and there was no malice.

but what I find weird on this thread is that at least 4 people have commented ‘I bet you looked great’ which I find really weird. Because it’s totally fucking irrelevant. And it’s also totally ok not to look great all the time and I think the whole ‘reassure the OP that they looked great’ despite the fact that we have no idea if she did crackers. Why are we so hung up on looking great????

It’s not a ‘generational thing’.

Christ, your mum sounds like an absolute bitch OP, sorry.

I'm gutted that you changed. With this type of person, you need to let their criticism bounce off you and stick with what you're wearing to show them that their opinion is irrelevant to your life.

Do that next time.

Mum - "Your hips look huge"
You - "Fair enough. Anyway, I'm off out, see you later".

My parents have become considerably more “blunt” (just plain rude and thoughtless) as they’ve aged. It’s become bloody embarrassing going anywhere with them.

It's very mean to say it in such a blunt way.

I'd accept my mum saying something like 'oh, I'm not sure about this one, it's not that flattering on the hips. What about xyz garment..' then offer to help restyle the outfit quickly.

Me and my mum do critique eachother's looks but never meanly or unconstructive.

You've done fantastic to lose so much weight.

Tell her straight that the way she said it was rude, and that's why you said 'f off', because you were hurt. You've made loads of improvements and lost weight and she needs to speak more kindly. Or be constructive about things if she thinks they can be improved.

Then hopefully you can kiss and make up x

Sorry that your parents are like that. It’s still not an ‘age’ or ‘generational’ thing’ (ageist to suggest it is)

Happens to me all the time, I'm roughly an 8 but I get comments on my hips, bum and legs constantly because they were bigger than my top half which is a 6.

I'm told I can't wear certain things because my hips are wide so I'm really insecure about it but there is a part of me that's like sod it. Anybody with eyes can see that I'm pear shaped, suddenly wearing a dress instead of trousers isn't going to send someone keeling over in shock.

It usually is from female relatives who are considerably bigger than me as well. I once sent someone a funny video of me and I happened to be wearing shorts, they had to comment about the size of my legs which ironically when I watched the video I thought I looked pretty good!! The video had absolutely nothing to do with what I was wearing either but I always scrutinize every photo/video for any flabby bits.