Could you be with someone with alcohol problems?

[DaytonVlogger]

Could you be with someone who has alcohol issues to the extent they pour alcohol into a coffee mug to drink in the evenings to disguise it.

Also same person has alcohol fuelled Andy outbursts when they can’t cope with something.

Could you be with a partner/spouse who is like this?

Would you say “no way!” and ends the relationship? or would you say

“well to be fair their life is stressful I’ll cut them some slack and try and support them”

I ended a 7 year relationship 6 weeks ago...we didnt live together and thats how i put up with his drinking for so long...he was moderating himself at the weekends when we were together but drinking a bottle of rum a night during the week...He got worse as the years went on and our weekends seemed to revolve around alcohol too...once he'd had a few he'd become tetchy and argumentative...making digs and snide comments.
I regret not ending it sooner.

No that would be one of the few things that would end my marriage for. I grew up an alcoholic parent I assure you it’s an illness that affects the whole family.

I say illness as that seems to be an accepted term. It doesnt come close to covering the hurt/guilt/worry loving someone with an alcohol addiction brings

I hate that society has been convinced to call alcoholism an illness or a disease. The underlying reasons someone drinks can be a mental illness or a serious issue that needs to be addressed by the health system, but the behavior itself is not an illness. It is an unhealthy coping mechanism that destroys the people forced to live with the perpetrator. Calling it an illness excuses the damage they cause.

Just to say that alcoholism is a disease. It’s very easy for a non-alcoholic to blame the other person as not having enough will power. You can’t stop alcoholism with just will power. It is also really hard to be sympathetic towards alcoholics but it is not their fault. (From someone who lives with one).

Im married to a binge alcoholic. Not recommended...

no

My mum was a heavy drinker.

It's a hard no from me because of the past trauma.

I don't have any sympathy for it.

It did teach me a good lesson - you can't change someone, they have to want it.

If you can't stop alcoholism with will-power then how are there so many alcoholics who no longer drink? It's not like AA provides a course of medication or bespoke therapy.

Alcoholism is an addiction. Addictions can be very tough to overcome. But unless the addict was forced to consume the substance that they became addicted to, they hold responsibility for
continuing with that addiction rather than taking steps to deal with it. They're not helpless pawns onto which addiction fell on them out of a clear blue sky. They worked at it.

No. I’d never choose to be with any kind of addict. Gambling would be my first one to walk out on, but alcohol would be soon after that.

Reading @BMW6’s post would be enough tbh. What a hellish thing to go through.

I work in an NHS team for a condition that gets more common with age. The male alcoholics we see are usually best supported by their ex-wives, and the female alcoholics by their children. That’s moving in a way but it also shows that it’s a kind of lifelong ruin to the whole family.

“It is not their fault”
This is a massive excuse and you know it.
Malaria a disease, alcoholism isn’t.

If you read AA and Al-Anon literature then it explains why staying sober isn’t just a case of using will power.

No, I couldn't be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
I hope you're ok @DaytonVlogger and that you're in a position to do what you need to, to ensure your own happiness and wellbeing.

I have read AA and Al-Anon literature.

If an AA member chooses not to drink today, what are they using if not willpower?

Absolutely not.

I’ve seen friends stay with their alcoholic partners and everyone is miserable.

Thank you truly to everyone who’s contributed to this thread. The verdict is pretty unanimous!

Yes, I agree that will power plays a part in the recovery process as does Step 2 Restoring Sanity - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him/her. Many don’t believe in God as in the God of the Church, but whatever they feel is their higher power, that can often be the power of the group. These two steps can have a huge positive impact on recovery.

Yes, I understand AA's ongoing attempts to hide its roots in a small Christian sect.

But for those AA members who see their "power greater than themselves" as the group, or a doorknob or similar, when that AA member is sitting at home trying to stop him/herself from going to buy a bottle of vodka then the group/doorknob/etc isn't there. It's just that person and their will fighting the addiction. That's all there is.

Nope. But it’s very easy to say until you love someone, especially if it’s gradual. It also depends on the level of alcoholism,
the level of negative impact on everyone else and how it changes their behaviour. Some people it turns violent and borderline psychotic, others happy and relaxed. If I had children then absolutely not.

This kind of attitude is no different to the old 1950s attitude to depression/anxiety/ocd etc. "They're not diseases, just pull your socks up". Or the classic for obesity " not a disease, just eat less".
I can tell you from my own experience of alcoholism the urge to drink is very, very strong, surpassing even fully natural bodily demands like hunger, thirst and fatigue. I'm sure you've been 'hangry' before, where you're so ravenous you are emotional and must eat something substantial. That's how it is for us alcoholics with alcohol. All the time. 24-7.

Totally agree. I'm 8 years clean but it is still very very hard. It's still my first thought when I'm down, when I'm happy, when it's a Wednesday! That neural pathway is strong still!

Of course it’s the alcoholic’s fault that they are alcoholic. Who put a gun against their head to start drinking in the first place? Nobody! They kept going with it until they carved a deep neural pathway to alcoholism and then they are playing the victim and cry they can’t stop. I cringe when people say they can’t help of doing something destructive. Yes they can! Own your shit. Just be a grown-up and start having the responsibility. Exercise the control that you have in abundance. It’s me who is supposed to be in control, not alcohol, or fags or drugs or chocolate etc..it’s just a substance and you let it control you?

This is an excellent post 🙌

Hey, late to the party but I just wanted to put it out there that there is a charity called Nacoa (The National Association for Children of Alcoholics) who provide information, advice and support not just to children but anyone affected by a loved one's drinking. They have a free, confidential helpline, email support and online resources for children, young people, and adults:
Website: www.nacoa.org.uk; Helpline: 0800 358 3456; Email: [email protected]
If you want to talk, or need any support navigating life with someone who drinks is ok to reach out :-)

Never again, no. I've never known such anxiety, misery and trauma. It ruined me.