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Original poster

Could you be with someone with alcohol problems?

113 replies

DaytonVlogger · 17/06/2025 12:34

Could you be with someone who has alcohol issues to the extent they pour alcohol into a coffee mug to drink in the evenings to disguise it.

Also same person has alcohol fuelled Andy outbursts when they can’t cope with something.

Could you be with a partner/spouse who is like this?

Would you say “no way!” and ends the relationship? or would you say

“well to be fair their life is stressful I’ll cut them some slack and try and support them”

OP posts:
EggnogNoggin · 17/06/2025 14:17

Not a chance. Because I can literally choose someone without those problems and no amount of love is worth the hell of someone else's addiction- especially if I can opt out.

My perspective is that I've never had or been around a problem drinker - parent, partner, child, relative etc so its so easy to see how simple life can be and have the bar set that its just alien to me rely on alcohol. I'm so unexposed that it's easy to draw a No and Never line.

Ohmygodthepain · 17/06/2025 14:17

I stayed until it became blatantly obvious that he prioritised alcohol over me and the kids. I even had to ask him to lay off the booze for a couple of weeks so he could drive me to hospital to give birth to dc2. He didn't, and I still stayed until that dc was 3.

Life is too short. Ditch the alcoholic and live YOUR life op.

EggnogNoggin · 17/06/2025 14:23

And it's not just a now problem. Alcohol induced early onset dementia is a real problem. Do you really want spend your your life caring for an alcoholic?

Clemdfandango · 17/06/2025 14:27

My dad and my ex-fiance were alcoholics and no way would I stay with one. They can ruin your life and why would you let them?

I'm now married to a man who rarely drinks and it's a breath of fresh air.

Itiswhysofew · 17/06/2025 14:33

I wouldn't like to be with that person, no. I don't drink and am not prone to having outbursts of anger, so I can't relate to it. I don't like temper tantrums in adults. It demonstrates a severe lack of control.

Painrelief · 17/06/2025 14:33

My former partner died at the age of 35 due to alcohol and drug addiction . I felt like his Mum not his girlfriend . The alcohol come before anyone and anything . We couldn’t go anywhere coz we always had to go to the pub or a shop to buy cans . He had a serious accident and ended up in a bad way yet within days he used to sneak out the hospital across the car park to a newsagents on an housing estate near to the hospital to get cans .

You can’t just go shopping coz he would want to go to the pub first or “leave me here and come back when you’re finished “. The amount of holidays or nights away he ruined coz of drinking (and drugs) .

I wouldn’t do it again no .

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/06/2025 14:35

If no children were involved, it was someone I had a very long history with, they were a happy drunk, and they could manage enough sober times to function in society then maybe.

An angry drunk? No. I've been there and there's no way on earth I'd do it again.

BMW6 · 17/06/2025 14:40

No.

My DH died in March at 65 at home vomiting blood all over the bedroom floor.

I consider myself - and him - lucky that he died before developing Alcohol Related Dementia.

chattyness · 17/06/2025 14:53

No, because the addiction will come before everything else in their life. You can't fix them, yes you can be supportive but it will drain the life out of you. They might feel a little guilt about that from time to time, but it's fleeting, the drink comes first, or the drugs come first, or the gambling comes first.
The need to fulfil that addiction trumps everything else. If you're prepared to be lied to, stolen from and abused, go ahead.

GinnyandGeorgia · 17/06/2025 14:58

It's a disease, so it's not as simple as just kicking them out.

I wouldn't start a relationship, or impose angry behaviour on kids, but if it's just 2 adults, I would possibly move out until they go to rehab, but I wouldn't end the relationship completely either.

LadyLucyWells · 17/06/2025 14:58

No way.

Monster6 · 17/06/2025 15:00

No. Because you will never ever be more important than alcohol. Unless they are in firm recovery and extremely vigilant. But no I wouldn’t be with someone in active addiction; you really can’t help them anyway. Cliche, but they have to do the work themselves, then think about potential relationships 🙂

IReallyLoveItHere · 17/06/2025 15:01

I do think lots of people have addictions which direct their lives. I would prefer not to judge but to look at the impact.

You mention angry outbursts when they can't cope with something - this isn't exclusive to alcoholics but that doesn't mean it's something you need to put up with.

If I was in a relationship and thought it was an issue I'd be asking whether they think they have a problem and want to change, if yes I'd support for a while but give up if they aren't truly up for it or if/when it appears that they can't beat it.

I realise that last bit sounds awful but if its negatively impacting you and cannot be changed what other choice is there?

I certainly wouldn't start a relationship with an alcoholic or continue a new one.

kellygoeswest · 17/06/2025 15:04

I was in a relationship with someone like this, minus the angry outbursts. He was "high functioning" but it was still enough for me to end things. It wasn't a lifestyle I wanted to live or try to keep up with.

Belladog1 · 17/06/2025 15:08

I was married to a functioning alcoholic. He always liked a drink, but it got more and more. He'd walk in from work and shout 'hello' on route to the fridge to pour a vodka and coke. I once tried it and it burnt my lips it was so strong.

He would fall into a drunken mess, snoring and dribbling in his armchair at 10pm every night. He would only go out with me if it involved the pub.

I got so I couldn't compete with the vodka, so I left him

CloudywMeatballs · 17/06/2025 15:30

I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who already had these behaviors. If my spouse, who I had promised to care for in sickness and in health, became this way later in our marriage I would support him as much as possible in his recovery, but if he refused to address the problem then I would leave.

fumanchu · 17/06/2025 15:55

My H of 30 years is an alcoholic, hides empties, is currently spoiling our holiday with his drinking. Refuses to accept he has a problem, it's my fault, he drinks because I'm controlling and unloving. Then the next minute I'm his best friend. Trying to get the courage to divorce. If I had known how things would pan out I would not have married him.

notacooldad · 17/06/2025 15:56

Could you be with a partner/spouse who is like this?
No

MaryGreenhill · 17/06/2025 16:00

I was bought up with an alcoholic and abusive Father and Brother. It ruined my childhood and there is no way l would ever have a relationship with an Alcoholic again .

Dotjones · 17/06/2025 16:01

It would depend on whether this was a new relationship or a long term one, and if the latter, have they always been like this (in which case you can't expect them to change quickly) or has it got worse over time (in which case it would have been better to tackle it sooner).

"Angry outbursts" would be a bigger red flag than the drinking for me. If I couldn't trust them not to be violent or even verbally abusive, that would be the end of the relationship.

The "disguising" of their drinking is a bigger concern than if they were open about it. It depends on who they were attempting to hide it from I suppose, drinking out of a coffee mug to not appear to be drinking in the background while their partner is on a Teams call or whatever is different to be attempting to hide it from their partner.

Most important would be their attitude to their problem. If they're in denial it's harder to justify staying in the relationship than if they admit they have a problem but sometimes relapse.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/06/2025 16:07

No, no way, never again. The misery and havoc that was deliberately caused in order to get their own way, the abuse, the sheer imbecility of behaviours and the coercion (both when using and during the rare occasions of sobriety because it was still all about making them come first over and above everything and every else) was enough to say Fuck That and fuck the poor victim mentality/blackmail.

HeyWiggle · 17/06/2025 16:09

No, I wouldn’t tolerate it and would leave them

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/06/2025 16:15

If I'd been married to them a long time and this was a recent development as a result of a stressful event and if they were committed to seek help, yes. Otherwise, hell no, I'd run a mile. And I would not knowingly get involved in a new relationship with a drug or alcohol addict or ex-addict.

TidyDancer · 17/06/2025 16:38

Nope. I grew up in that house and I wouldn’t ever live in it again.

Ponderingwindow · 17/06/2025 16:47

Not a chance. I grew up with alcoholic parents. I will not subject myself or my child to that hell.

if my spouse developed a problem and there was no violence or verbal abuse, he would get one chance to fix it while staying in the home. If he didn’t take that opportunity, he can live elsewhere while he works on himself. We can reconsider the relationship once he is sober and understands why he was drinking.

If there was violence or abuse, there are no second chances. I’m not putting my daughter through what I went through.