Can I get DH to stop talking (boasting) about money?

[LotusBotus]

Whenever DH speaks to his parents, the conversation always seems to steer around to our finances.

Its understandable in some ways - DH has two companies both going through different stages of investment and fund raising. His parents are interested and ask questions about how it all works. That's fine.

But I find DH pushes the conversation beyond this towards something like boasting. The other day, for example, he told his parents we were looking at houses just to see what's out there. And he told them our (quite big) budget which just felt really unnecessary.

I've told DH I find it really uncomfortable but he doesn't see it. I've asked him to stop but he won't.

Not sure what I'm asking here, just need to get my thoughts out.

You claim you accept you’re being unreasonable but you’re still pressing your case with examples of this so-called crassness.

Why not just accept that your thinking is out-of-step with most people without feeling the need to keep batting examples? I don’t think you’re going to win many converts no matter how much you keep arguing the case.

I don't think you're in the minority thinking it's crass, but you are probably in the minority wanting to control what your DH talks about with his own birth parents as long as it doesn't involve you and doesn't hurt anyone

I think you’re being a bit weird OP. To friends or neighbours yes it would be boasting but they are his parents. Close family should be able to talk freely about money.

You're absolutely right. Thank you. I'll leave the thread now.

Is he generally quite full of himself and boastful? What is he like if other people talk about their non-financial achievements. Is he supportive and interested? Does he value friendships on the basis of how well off his friends are?

Are his parents very money oriented as well? It sounds as though you and your husband value different things.

Did you start this thread to boast about having a big house budget OP?

Really weird that you think he shouldn’t tell his parents but should tell you.

The more you post the more I suspect you’re jealous of the relationship he has with his parents.

It’s absolutely fine to discuss finances with your parents.

I wasn't goady either, but you talk finance with your partner -which is more than normal. Not everybody has join finance with their partner - many couple just decide on a certain amount, to put in a common pot and manage the rest as they please.

It's not "crass" to discuss income, salary, savings and everything with your partner.

Same thing with your parents really.

I think this is way too much projecting, along with other posters saying he lacks childhood validation or whatever.

OP says "DH has two companies both going through different stages of investment and fund raising". To have secured investment and fundraising is no easy task even with the thickest of skins. His good financial situation is a sign of all the blood, sweat, tears, shame, rejection, fear and uncertainty, endless pivots, and thankless hours having succeeded. People running businesses or startups learn early on that it's profit or die — all the rest are vanity metrics.

I started a business for many reasons. I am incredibly unmaterialistic – I don't know how to prove this to you but it's true. Even as someone who doesn't care about money (eg rejected a trust fund), I'm really proud of how far my business has come. I daresay the average person who cares more about money would be even prouder of the financial numbers.

OP didn't co-found the companies and isn't really involved by the sounds of it. Honestly if my DH told me to stop bragging to my own parents because it's "crass", I'd nicely tell him to do one haha

Fundamentally you are different in this. I'm like you and yes I do find it crass. I don't think it is unreasonable to talk to your nearest and dearest about money but to start off a conversation about your budget for a house or to turn every conversation to it is unnecessary. Yanbu.

Why not just accept that your thinking is out-of-step with most people without feeling the need to keep batting examples? I don’t think you’re going to win many converts no matter how much you keep arguing the case.

I think OP is simply humblebragging to strangers about how much her DH earns under the guise of an AIBU.

I don’t like it when my DH talks to family about our finances. I get you. However it’s difficult stopping a boaster.

Crass or not, if my DH and his own birth family liked to exchange fart jokes I'd move on, not try to proscript their conversation topics. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone and doesn't involve you, it's not your business.

I generally find talking explicitly about money crass (BUT it's totally understandable here as a company founder myself — anyone and everyone calls themselves that, and unlike employees with job titles working in companies, there are very few metrics to validate the success of your work apart from financial).

But I would find it beneath my dignity to try and coerce and censor my DH and his birth family's conversations. That would ironically be another form of obsession with appearances and status (attempting to foist upon them my aspirational image of the proverbial "money talks, wealth whispers", which is much less true than you think btw — the wealthiest of families stay wealthy precisely because they talk about finances and assets a lot within their intergenerational closed ranks) imo.

Now that you give this example, am sort if with you. He doesn't have to be that specific. And not every discussion needs to veer towards his/your wealth. He sounds like he has low esteem but somehow feels safe with his parents. Perhaps his friends would shut him down, laugh him out of town or avoid him if he was always droning on about his personal net worth so he goes to the audience that can't run away. Other than discussing this with him in a calm rational way am not sure you can change him. If it grates you can walk away every time he starts boasting. Just go to another room and busy yourself