Can I get DH to stop talking (boasting) about money?

[LotusBotus]

Whenever DH speaks to his parents, the conversation always seems to steer around to our finances.

Its understandable in some ways - DH has two companies both going through different stages of investment and fund raising. His parents are interested and ask questions about how it all works. That's fine.

But I find DH pushes the conversation beyond this towards something like boasting. The other day, for example, he told his parents we were looking at houses just to see what's out there. And he told them our (quite big) budget which just felt really unnecessary.

I've told DH I find it really uncomfortable but he doesn't see it. I've asked him to stop but he won't.

Not sure what I'm asking here, just need to get my thoughts out.

I think people around DH validate him as much as any adult could expect.

His parents were very supportive of him achieving success as an adult - they very much had the "Have a better life than us mantra". They've somewhat changed since DH did actually start doing that where success of their children (in the material form) seems less important to them.

For me - I don't like talking about finances much. I don't think its anyone else's business. I don't really give a shit what people think about how rich/poor I am. And wealth whispers 😅And yes to all the questions about our finances.

They've somewhat changed since DH did actually start doing that where success of their children (in the material form) seems less important to them.

Maybe this is why he's doing it. He senses they have changed and is trying to draw them back in again.

The good news is they're his parents, they will tell him pipe down when it gets unbearable, you don't need to intervene.

But op, when it comes to houses it’s all in the public domain anyway. We can all see who paid how much for their house. You being squeamish about your budget won’t change that.

He can talk to his parents about whatever he likes, as long as it’s not personal to you. And this is not.

Why do women on MN find it acceptable to control men in ways which they do not find acceptable for themselves?

The relationship's okay, not particularly close. They're not materialistic people ... success of their children (in the material form) seems less important to them.

At first, I thought that your PIL are probably money-orientated and this was part of their family vernacular, where "doing well" may be expressed in currency. With what you've said here, though, it feels more like your DH wants them to appreciate his worth and is trying to prove he's valuable by giving them the numbers. If they aren't so materialistic, though, it won't work.

This could be why it grates on you. Do you have a feeling they'd prefer to hear of a fulfilling family life, interesting adventures, perhaps a rewarding leisure pursuit? Is there some sense that DH's life doesn't have these benefits or, if it has, that he doesn't care?

What I'm getting at, I suppose, is that the reason these conversations bother you might be that they symbolise a growing relationship problem. Is it a possibility?

It's also pretty strange that you don't know what he talks to other people about.

Sorry - I said "quite big" in my OP because that's part of DH's boasting. If we had a small budget, he wouldn't have shared that 😅

It will make his parents feel good that they’ve raised a successful child. They’ve been on this journey with him before you came along. Dh is used to sharing with his dp. He has done since he’s small. Why shouldn’t they all celebrate his success? I think you are raining on their parade a bit to spoil their enjoyment of all the hard work both parents and dh have done.

If it’s ok to discuss such things with you and it not be seen to be boasting then that applies to his parents too. Both are celebrating success.

Now if he was doing this to others, that’s a different matter.

I think the only people in the world it's ok to boast to are your parents.
We all do it. Boast about the baby / toddler's achievements. It's not something that's socially acceptable to do with friends or other family members but your parents will always be proud.

I don't really give a shit what people think about how rich/poor I am

which is fair enough, but they are his PARENTS.
Pretty much the only people in the world you can boast to! If he's being factual, he's not even boasting, he's being truthful.

If he's successful, of course he should tell his parents. It's nice to hear!

😂I'd politely disagree with your assertion that DH's parents know him better than me.

You might think you know your husband better than his parents know him, but it's highly likely HE knows HIS parents better than you do. He grew up with them and will understand the family dynamic far better than you, who only has a partial picture.

So he is likely a far better judge than you of what will land well and is what is more meaningful to them.

I wouldn't personally have talked much about money with my late mother. I'm far more likely to have 'boasted' (if you want to call talking about one's successes with one's own parents 'boasting') about my academic and professional qualifications and successes. Anyone else listening might have thought, 'Why is Butchy talking about such a dull, dry subject matter??' But I knew her and knew this is what she would most appreciate hearing about.

Same. That’s not the same as profits/money he’s made yet so I’d be more wary. My cousin who did similar and liked to talk about his finances at this stage ended up bankrupt. He doesn’t talk about it so much now.

I’m also fascinated by the idea that it’s “crass” to speak to your own mum and dad about money and finances

I can see that I'm in the minority here and I'm being unreasonable about this. But, to me, the idea of saying to anyone "We saved £XX last month" or "Once we secure this investment, I'll personally be worth £XX" is pretty crass.

He's seeking they're approval. Boasting usually comes from a place of low self esteem.

I would get it if he was talking to a stranger or his boss, but these are his parents, he should be able to talk to them about whatever he wants.

DH has no personal risk associated with either company so not a problem.

It depends on his relationship with his parents. I would never discuss such things with mine but that’s because we’re not really close.

If anything DH and I underplay everything financial as we don’t want others to know what we earn.

I’m pretty sure my parents would underestimate my salary by at least 100k if you asked them. They have no real understanding of what my job is. I quite like it that way.

I think it's a naff thing to do. Also there's a bit of a sense of it tempting fate.

Sometimes it's necessary to talk money. But not often.

My parents are the only people apart from DH who know what I earn - I get loads of advice from them about investments and house decisions and they are proud of me. I also used to text my mum every time DS did something incredibly advanced and smart and obviously uniquely adorable for a 6 month old or whatever!

I do understand if the complaint is more that you find it a bit cringe and actually now I think about it I don't have these discussions in front of DH so maybe I agree with you more than I first thought!

not more crass than discussing with you?

Of course the house budget is relevant, they may be looking at houses too.

I feel like you re wanting to do a stealth brag here and tell us yourself

This is quite an interesting thread for me as my parents were very open about money but had both died when by the time I was 25. My pils have never asked about money (fil died about 10 years ago) but when I retired a couple of years ago due to a health issue at 55 mil didn't even ask my wife how we'd cope. When my dad died we had been married a month the interest rates were at 15% and we had 2 houses to.look after for over a year....nothing was ever said.

Yet sil had her mortgage paid off last year, despite not having had a proper job since 1996 and repeatedly telling everyone she was due a big inheritance from her mil who had died the year before.

No one apart from our financial advisor knows how much we have and that we are very comfortable due to lots of hard work....I'd love to tell my parents how much I have...they struggled due to poor/no education and bad health and I know they would be very proud of what we have done.

Sorry, I genuinely don't understand what you mean by this.

Are you saying its equally as 'crass' for DH to discuss finances with me?

I'm not being goady, I genuinely don't get your point. Sorry

It’s a good point. Do you find it crass when he talks to you about how much he’s worth?

@nomas Of course not. We have joint finances. His financial position directly affects me.

No issue. He's proud of his achievements and probably the, him - you can't dictate what he discusses with his parents.