Can I get DH to stop talking (boasting) about money?

[LotusBotus]

Whenever DH speaks to his parents, the conversation always seems to steer around to our finances.

Its understandable in some ways - DH has two companies both going through different stages of investment and fund raising. His parents are interested and ask questions about how it all works. That's fine.

But I find DH pushes the conversation beyond this towards something like boasting. The other day, for example, he told his parents we were looking at houses just to see what's out there. And he told them our (quite big) budget which just felt really unnecessary.

I've told DH I find it really uncomfortable but he doesn't see it. I've asked him to stop but he won't.

Not sure what I'm asking here, just need to get my thoughts out.

Sounds like he thinks that’s how they measure success and is trying to tell them he is successful (and therefore they should be proud of him, achieving success on their terms). How’s the relationship generally with his folks? Are they quite materialistic/money focussed people?
If he did it with everyone I’d be leaning towards the ‘he’s being a bit of a knob’ but doesn’t sound like he is?

You just sound as if you’ve absorbed some LMC dictum about mentioning money ‘not being nice’, and think your DH should be obeying it regardless of his hearers. It sounds to me as if he’s trying to reassure them, or say ‘Look, this is how well I’m doing — aren’t you proud?’ Are they?

Of course YABU

If you can't discuss with your own parents, who can you discuss with?
Who cares if he's boasting? They raised him, they know him better than you do anyway.

If it doesn't boast in front of everybody else, there's nothing confidential here.

As long as the parents don't expect to move in the granny annex of course

The first time I got offered a high paying job I told my Mum because I knew her reaction would be great. It wasn't really that high a salary, £48k back in 2017 but as a 30YO son of a woman who has done minimum wage jobs around kids and grandkids for 20 years so I wanted her to know.

I think it's fine even if your husband goes out of his way to bring it into conversation just with his parents.

A family relative of mine outright asked me the other day if my job pays well, I just told them what I was on and they said oh that's great.

Talking about money is only vain if you have none, I wouldn't go bragging to the Big Issue seller or anything but if someone asks I'll answer.

Used to work in a small consultancy firm where salaries were like an MI5 national secret, it meant they underpaid me for years and I was none the wiser. Fuck that, let's talk.

I’m still really not sure what your issue is - they’re his parents

@GinnyandGeorgia 😂I'd politely disagree with your assertion that DH's parents know him better than me.

@Ineedanewsofa The relationship's okay, not particularly close. They're not materialistic people.

@SecondWoman You're likely right. I do think telling people (anyone, even parents) unprompted how much money you have is a bit crass.

It's his parents, not your parents... Seems quite controlling...

It doesn't sound like he's boasting to me. It sounds like he's using his parents as a sounding board for guidance/reassurance. It's good he has that relationship with them.

I think you're looking at financial conversations through different lenses, and I don't see anything wrong with his conversations with his parents.

You can see any house purchase price online – it's no secret.

If he was going around shoehorning money into every conversation in social situations, I'd maybe agree with you.

But it's really not your place to tell him what to talk to his parents about. If it bothers you, stop listening to his conversations with them.

Did he feel they didn't expect much from him when he was growing up and he's trying to prove he's done well?

BTW I hope he's generous with his parents - I'd hate my son to bang on about his wealth, if he knew I would really appreciate some help.

Are you his business partner? Do you discuss your career successes and key life milestones with your own parents?

Were his parents supportive of him growing up or did they tend to put him down, suggest that he wouldn't make much of himself?

Does he have decent self esteem or is this his way of talking himself up - to himself?

As long as it's only his parents leave him be. They might be very proud to hear how he's doing, but if they don't want to hear let them tell him to put a sock in it.

As we don't have a full description of how this went down but from what you have said, it's OK unless the parents are majorly struggling financially which I assume they are not as you would have added it @LotusBotus . I do feel your dh is looking for validation that he has made it. Again that is not necessarily a bad thing. Do you think people around him adequately validate him? Appreciate how far he has come? It may be annoying but some people need it (it can be healthy or unhealthy. Depends).
What about you? Are you generally uncomfortable with discussing finances? Do you comanage your finance with dp? Do you know the ins and out of your finances and business? God forbid but if your dh was to collapse and die would you know where you are financially, any business debts etc. If you answer no to any of these questions I suggest you start getting into these discussions with him. Bring yourself up to speed while validating him positively

Slightly different view point - have you thought about why he is 'boasting' (in your view) to his parents? Does he crave validation from them do you think?

As they say, money talks,wealth whispers. Seriously though it sounds as if his parents are interested if they’re asking questions and he’s just having a general conversation with them. Was it really necessary for you to state you had a “quite big” budget for your house purchase 🤷🏼‍♀️. That too can be construed as boasting.

I also think to parents it's okay but if he were speaking like that to family and friends generally then I wouldn't be happy about it

I'm with you @LotusBotus . My DH does this with his parents and I hate it.

I've never said I hate it, I realise it's probably a me thing, but that is our private information and it makes me very uncomfortable.

My PILs would definitely tell other people too.

Does he have a list of subjects he's allowed to speak to his parents about?

I imagine you with a note pad and pen ease dropping on his conversation and jotting down notes about how he could have conversated better. Wait, is this Hyacinth Bucket??

Talking to his parents is fine but i can see why you say its a bit cringe! Very "look at me, mummy and daddy" which you'd think he'd have grown out of by now.

But at least its them and not fellow parents at the school gates!

I do think telling people (anyone, even parents) unprompted how much money you have is a bit crass.

But that doesn’t seem to be what he’s doing from
your examples - he’s discussing his businesses and buying a house - both totally normal things to speak to your parents about.

I’m also fascinated by the idea that it’s “crass” to speak to your own mum and dad about money and finances

Many (adult) kids know about their parents financial situations, why would it be different?

It's not exactly private.

It's not much different as your partner knowing your full financial details either.

Well if his parents are fine about it then trying to police his conversation topics with them (which is what it boils down to) feels very sad and small to me.

I guess none of us are in your shoes and you are making out that it is almost every conversation... I find it hard to believe that between the four of you there are no other topics to talk about

This thread has made me quite sad, maybe me and my parents overshare, but the older we get, we really don't have secrets any more - money or anything - life is too short.

My DH regularly chats to his parents about money. How much he has in his accounts, how much he earns, how much the tax man is taking etc. They are his parents...and they have helped him get to were he is. Even if you don't think they are helping your DH currently they have helped in the past to get him where he is at.

Open discussion like this with family is fine in my opinion. Random friends and acquaintances though I wouldn't be keen on.

I'm not his business partner, no.

I discuss my own successes with my mum, yes, but I don't go into financial details. And certainly not every time I talk to her.