Kid screen time hell

[GreenTurtles3]

I have 3 children age 5-8. 2 can manage screen time I think appropriately -do lots of other things; sports, Lego, games, reading, toys as well as watch tv and play some switch games. My 8 year old DD however would be on screens 24/7 if I let her. She plays Roblox with her cousin and 3 friends from school under my supervision and really enjoys it, laughing all the time and chatting via video call at the same time. She also likes to watch what I call American Brain Mush on YouTube. Kids just opening boxes of plastic shit or trying on clothes.
I am not happy with her dependence on screens and as a result we seem to be 'at war' a lot of the time. With me nagging her to get off screens or her begging me for more screen time. She doesn't have any friends to play with where we live which makes me feel guilty for taking away her mode of socialising. She says everyone else has unlimited access to screens and that I am making her 'weird' to her friends. I just don't know what to do. Am I a dinosaur mum? Do I need to move with the times?
tonight I've taken away her iPad as she refused to end her game and have a shower ready for school tomorrow. I'm planning on keeping it hidden all week for us all to have a reset. Am I out of order? She's a lovely kid with a gorgeous heart and I don't want to be upsetting her but I feel I have a duty to keep her screen time in check. Help!

Totally agree with pp re Roblox.

I don't allow roblox, youtube, tiktok or instagram.

These things are designed to reel you in & make you addicted, they are so damaging to young brains.

Yes I've done all of that re Roblox thank you. It's completely locked down as I am aware of the dangers.

she's on screens more as she struggles to regulate her usage of them, hence my original post.

I don't think you can just complain that an app is dangerous if you haven't bothered to set it up right, that's like saying Disney+ is a bad app because it has 15 or 18 rated films on it, as a parent it's your job to make sure they're not accessing the content they shouldn't be.

Wow that's amazing that your child's peers have limitations too. I honestly feel like the odd one out in my mum circles or social circle. Lots of my daughter's peers have YouTube, tik tok, many have their own phones at 8. I am actually horrified.

She's 8 - I would only be allowing very little screen time and absolutely not letting her watch the brain mush stuff on YouTube. You're the parent - set limits and stick to them! Ignore the crying, emotional blackmail, moaning etc and just carry on regardless. And the answer to 'all my friends are allowed to' is 'I'm not their parent, I'm your parent and it's my job to do what's best for you'.

Yes, but apps are designed to be addictive, so not really much her child brain can do about it tbh, especially as it’s down to you as a parent? You’re in charge, not your DD! But good on you to try to get some calibration in now!

Also, why isn’t she doing activities like her siblings?

We have nightmares over screen time with DS(12). He's supposed to have set times but the last couple of weeks have been awful. Really aggressive when told his time's up, sneaking on his laptop at silly o'clock in the morning or locking himself in the bathroom with his phone. We've just today imposed a total tech ban. Good behaviour until the end of term will earn him back a couple of hours a day in the holidays.

DD(9) on the other hand doesn't need managing at all. She'll go on for an hour and then take herself off to bake a cake, or read, or draw, or hunt for bugs in the garden.

Just get rid of the ipad. They’re absolute poison for young kids- terrible for attention span, focus, dopamine addiction, emotion regulation. She can watch TV or use your laptop or family pc if she needs internet. A child does not need an ipad.

Every child is different so don’t feel bad about going a different direction to her friends. It’s like anything addictive - some people aren’t bothered, some are really triggered by it. My in-laws are alcoholics and I’m not a drinker… but I struggle with my relationship with food.

long answer but I have one child who doesn’t care about screens and one who doesn’t self regulate well so my approach is different. No YouTube access for anyone as it rubbish, no online gaming with chat (he plays some stupid pokemon game), half hour max of switch time a day but only on days where he has the time. Mostly I keep him really busy so he doesn’t have the time to ask about screens. Also if he whines for more time he gets no switch time for a week. I have no patience for it.

am 100% sure I am way, way more strict about it than all of his friends. I’m more relaxed if he wants to play something with a friend when they come round, and of course can’t police other people’s houses so I’m sure he plays more when he’s out, but otherwise I’m happy to hold a firm line. Also not particularly bothered by screens in general, just the immediate gratification scrolling stuff. We watch movies together and are making our way through all the Lego reality tv and he watches some ninjago thing on the weekend sometime. I notice a distinct personality issue with the video games that I don’t want to encourage

She's never really stuck at anything long term activities wise. She has done it all -dance, gymnastics, martial arts but lacks confidence and prefers to be at home! My other two are more outgoing and sporty. She loves swimming but I can't manage the 3 of them for lessons (hubby works long hours) so we go as a family once or twice a fortnight. She plays a team sport once a week and is on the waiting list for Brownies. She used to do loads of after school sports at school but they are no longer offering this as the sports teacher left. That's a whole other issue.

I wouldn't ban YouTube completely, but it I would limit it to being watched on the TV, not private screens.

Contrary to what you will here - there is a lot of great content on YouTube. It is just unfortunately swamped in a sea of crap. Kids YouTube is the worst for throwing that crap at kids, and kids love it.

But there are, inside, amazing channels that are really good for children. I think it has some of the best history content, science content, coding content, craft/making/baking content, music/instrument learning content etc. What ever specific hobby or interest your child has, YouTube probably has a few good creators who are making videos that would actually be good and inspirational etc.

Until they are old enough to manage it though, you just need to be on top of it, and supervising it. Main TV only, so you can keep an eye on it. Steer them, and help them find content that is actually good. Disable auto-play, so it doesn't keep going to next videos etc.

I'd actually say the same for most parts of screentime.

Yes limits and durations are important but other posters have covered those.

Also focus on good screen time.

Video games are the same as YouTube. There are some great games, that have good learning benefits for kids. Gaming in general is far more interact than TV, and far better at facilitating learning/growth (If done properly). There are games that inspire storytelling, creativity, critical thinking, cooperation, problem solving etc. And then there is mindless dross that does nothing. Your job as a parent is to again, help steer them towards useful games, and away from harmful/useless games.

Minecraft for example (online modes disabled) is a great game. Exploration, Creativity, Problem solving etc. It has a real depth of learning for children who get into it. It can even touch upon engineering/coding if they get into that part of the game. When I was younger, there were loads of puzzle games that really forced you to problem solve. and think carefully

So in short -

Yes limit time, but also focus on quality of screen time, making sure they are actually getting something from that time.

Exactly this.

Kids on screens are not socialising. Your DC will be fine playing with toys and reading. They have plenty of time at school to ‘socialise’.

Compare "screen time" to "eating sweets"... similar likelihood of child wanting more, similar reaction for the brain, and similar probability that too much of it really isn't good for you. So of course you're right to restrict it 👍🙂

My kids have always had their screen time limited, but watching some videos on their tablets or gaming on them really help them to reset to home after school. They get 45 mins a day on an amazon kids tablet and a bit more if they have to do something like accompany me to a siblings swimming lesson. Occasionally all 3 of them play Minecraft together. Put limits on, for each, you can do it on all consoles and tablets. For future use phones can be limited as well, we use Google Family Link, my 12 year olds phone only works from 4pm until 7 pm, and within that he only gets 2 hours,and within that only 30 mins on YouTube kids, 30 mins of tiktok, 30 mins capcut etc..

Oh and if they've hinge about being bored I usually suggest activities or tell them that's their problem, depending on how many times I've heard it.

It’s hellish isn’t it!

So when my DD was around 6, she had access to screens all the time. Then I started noticing the good families at school, the ones where the kids are doing well (above average) in school, the kids who seemingly have nice parents, were saying no screen in week.

I started doing the same and I was amazed how quickly she settled into the routine! So now we do no screen M-F, and currently unlimited weekend. However I have noticed her behaviour is atrocious after she’s been on it - so I am prepping her now for summer holidays where I plan to limit it at weekends also.

Put automatic screen controls on rather than you having to time it. It takes a fair bit of effort to set up but it is well worth it as it's not you then switching it off. It switches itself off

My 9 year old had an I pad, but is limited to watching Netflix (age restricted has own profile) and doing school homework apps. Definitely no you tube, no roblox, or any others apps or games.
If she wants to play video games it's on the family Switch, and something like animal crossing or Mario cart, no chat mode. She has a limit of 30 mins per day total screen time. All her friends apparently say they have own phones, roblox etc. Speaking to her friends, only 1 has a phone, and that's a childeuth shared custody do has to communicate with her mum when at her dad's and vice versa. No other usage.

I think perhaps - as difficult as it might seem - focusing on media and technology might not be the greatest starting point, as it will begin with restrictions/altercations etc.

insyead begin with the child - a child with no real hobbies, negligible sport, little outdoor time, and perhaps little one to one space to flourish/develop interests in a busy household. You could make shifts in your town life and routine to add stuff to this child’s life - by way of new things to try, a new hobby or two, a new sport - and incentivise some of it so enrich her life further.

then you can deal with the after effects of lesser time for sitting with the screens, and tackle that.

I think @Ecrire's suggestion is useful.

My DD would be/is like this so thank goodness she's also into football, music theatre and jumping on a trampoline - fortunately things you can't do with a device in your hand. Swimming's another good one.

Devices are addictive and some kids are more susceptible than others.

Because there’s absolutely no way around that restriction…

This is concerning but not too late it to turn it around. I have a 7 and 4 YO.i would go cold turkey if i were you. No ipads, game consoles etcx My 2 get no screens Monday to Friday. They are at school and have activities in the evening and dinner and bath etc so they don’t really notice. At the weekend they will get 1-2 hours a day of tv that’s all the WHO recommends. If they get any more than that you get the screen tax aka their behaviour goes out the window. It’s scary what screens do to them. Good luck

My teens have had screen time set on phones until they have finished GCSEs.

Limits are set on all apps and we use downtime for overnight.

My teen has a limit of 1hr on Roblox and YouTube so to do this for an 8 yr old seems totally reasonable to me!