To sort out house clutter with ex after separation

[SimplyM]

Recently separated from DH, instigated by me. I’ll be moving out into a new place nearby. Our marital home is a mess, loads of clutter, piles and piles of stuff in cupboards, in our shed, just an overwhelming amount. Living spaces are fine like our living room and kitchen etc. In our initial conversations it was agreed that we would go halves and hire a skip and go through all the clutter together after I moved out - I promised that I wouldn’t leave the house in a mess and also offered to store stuff in my place (I don’t drive so it’s difficult to transport items)

His mother is desperate to pay for the skip hire and go through everything with my ex ASAP. I haven’t moved out yet and a lot of the stuff is our children’s items, my stuff and stuff that I would really like to go through with my ex.

Clutter is due to masses of stuff being piled upon us from family members, the house is in a mess due to several factors including my being a carer of a severely disabled child and never quite getting on top of everything. I also have ADHD.

So - should I just resign myself to (stbex) mil and ex going through everything the moment I move out and be grateful that I don’t have to deal with it or should I fight my corner for ex to give me more time and us do it together? I’m worried about my stuff being binned, sentimental items thrown and just general unease about mil going through everything.

When I begged him to wait the other day he said how he knew it was only a matter of time before I turned nasty and how I am very lucky that his mother hasn’t made life very difficult(hell) for me.

Please no judgment about the state of the house, it’s been very difficult to get on top of the clutter and chaos! I’ve cleared a fair bit but there’s still an overwhelming amount.

@Sofiewoo

Not sure what happened to the end if my sentence??

tell them anything you leave behind on your move out day you will chuck in a skip.

Yes AFTER she's moved out. MIL wants to chuck it out while she's still there.

Yes, she should just throw out anything from her life .. and her kids. Don't keep any of it 🙄🙄🙄🙄

If the marital home is jointly owned or rented it’s still the OP home until the financial settlement or her being removed from the tenancy.

Well done 👏. I understand that it’s hard, but agree with others that there is no point stringing this out. Take the minimum and let MIL dispose of the rest. Definitely don’t “store” stuff at your new house, it’ll just add to the chaos. If your youngest is disabled and destructive then they need clear, clean spaces that you can effectively child-proof to ensure they cannot throw things around. And you need better drawer locks!

Do you think it's likely your ex and MIL will throw out sentimental things like photos? I assume the majority of the clutter is just going to be duplicates of things you didn't realise you had, broken items etc. Personally I'd love someone to help me declutter, my DH talks about getting rid of stuff all the time, but I've seen snails move quicker.

Then OP better get cracking.

"Our marital home is a mess, loads of clutter, piles and piles of stuff in cupboards, in our shed, just an overwhelming amount."

"should I just resign myself to (stbex) mil and ex going through everything the moment I move out "

Yes. If she doesn't get her things out before she moves.

"When I begged him to wait the other day"

She said in her first post she wanted more time after moving out. I think MIL is giving her a push to do it before she moves. Her ex does not want to live with an overwhelming amount of clutter and he likely knows it will never get done.

She needs to prioritize getting out her sentimental items and valuables and sort through what she can before she moves. I don't blame her, she's got a lot of time constraints being a carer, but she is being unreasonable because she's had a couple months already to sort this and her ex's place is not her free storage for masses of clutter. If they hire a skip and do the clearing, they're saving her tons of work and multiple trips to wherever she's going to put this mass of stuff and she's got no car. How's she going to take massive amounts of stuff anywhere with no car?

A few years ago, I found 2 drawers were stuffed with kids stuff like schoolwork, printed awards, drawings and they wanted none of it. Bye.

instead of deciding what to throw away decide what to keep the 10 nicest pictures the 10 best mugs, the 10 best cuddly toys the 10 best of everything , only after getting 10 best do you relook at the rest . while photos take ages to go through they don't take up much space a 12" cube box would store a few thousand
concentrate on what can't be replaced books china, toys clothes can be replaced albeit at a cost, vital paperwork insurance documents share certificates passports photos from 1920's can't

Imagine you had just 2 days like "sort your life out"

keeping stuff also has a cost as you are finding out storage costs time costs cleaning costs managing it costs

May be worth getting a professional decluttering person to come and help - they'll have less emotional attachment.

If not, I think you're at the point of having to work in a suboptimal way and stop work on your new place in favour of doing the decluttering there.

Whatever you haven't needed or used within the last 12 months just get rid of it...Today we hold onto far too much rubbish. Memories are in our heads and hearts

This. When I split up with my first DH, he decided, without discussing it with me, to clear out the garage. I then discovered he had taken my beautiful dolls house to the tip. My DF, who had since died, had bought it second hand, carpeted it, and furnished it. It had so much sentimental value. I was heartbroken, but it was obviously too late to do anything about it. When I later went onto have a DD with second DH, I often thought about my dolls house and the fact that she could have played with it.

With respect, I think you’re being a bit unfair. You’re leaving him. You therefore ought to sort through what you want to keep before you go, and take it with you when you do. To expect to be able to waltz back in and out of the house after you’ve left, to continue looking through a drawer here and a cupboard there, and to expect him to not touch anything until you decide you’ve finished is not really on.

I don’t know how long it is until you move but please just do it now. You don’t need to worry about throwing things away, just pack what you want to keep and be done. Then let them clear up after you’ve gone.

It isn’t your house anymore really so move out with what you really want. Keep in mind that they will throw your things asap out the door so prioritize.

Good luck 👌

This. It’s OK to let go. You have some amazing memories, that won’t change. It can be helpful to go through it ourselves, sure, but time pressures, stress, you instigated the break up, he probably just wants it all gone to help emotionally. He may struggle to remain civil, you both might.

Then she’s in no position to judge. And should understand. Hopefully she’ll see that. If not, then that’s on her.

In that case, you’ll probably never have time to go through the clutter. Accept the help and let them get on with it.

Let it go.

I agree that doing an Elsa and letting it go is the right way forward, the clutter, the shame about the clutter and the expectation that you and your ex can sort this without help.

Don't accept stuff from family members or you will soon be in the same situation in your new home

Your thread was ages ago!
you were going to start it in. No wonder ex is desperate to get rid of the junk.

if you don’t want MIL to do it, then get on with it now.

Any progress Op? Have you moved out yet?!

Or has the skip at least been hired?

Or at least agreed with both the ex and MIL keen to book the skip!

Agree with @purpleygrey, why has it taken so long?

This situation hasn’t arrived overnight I get the impression it will always be tomorrow
you’ve had weeks and weeks yet no progress they’ve had enough