To sort out house clutter with ex after separation

[SimplyM]

Recently separated from DH, instigated by me. I’ll be moving out into a new place nearby. Our marital home is a mess, loads of clutter, piles and piles of stuff in cupboards, in our shed, just an overwhelming amount. Living spaces are fine like our living room and kitchen etc. In our initial conversations it was agreed that we would go halves and hire a skip and go through all the clutter together after I moved out - I promised that I wouldn’t leave the house in a mess and also offered to store stuff in my place (I don’t drive so it’s difficult to transport items)

His mother is desperate to pay for the skip hire and go through everything with my ex ASAP. I haven’t moved out yet and a lot of the stuff is our children’s items, my stuff and stuff that I would really like to go through with my ex.

Clutter is due to masses of stuff being piled upon us from family members, the house is in a mess due to several factors including my being a carer of a severely disabled child and never quite getting on top of everything. I also have ADHD.

So - should I just resign myself to (stbex) mil and ex going through everything the moment I move out and be grateful that I don’t have to deal with it or should I fight my corner for ex to give me more time and us do it together? I’m worried about my stuff being binned, sentimental items thrown and just general unease about mil going through everything.

When I begged him to wait the other day he said how he knew it was only a matter of time before I turned nasty and how I am very lucky that his mother hasn’t made life very difficult(hell) for me.

Please no judgment about the state of the house, it’s been very difficult to get on top of the clutter and chaos! I’ve cleared a fair bit but there’s still an overwhelming amount.

The general living spaces as I stated are fine, living room kitchen etc. All the clutter is in drawers, cupboards and our shed is full to the ceiling. No, my plan isn’t for my children to live in a mess that’s why I’m posting about the best way of sorting it. It’s also taking time to get the new house sorted which leaves less time to go through everything.

When was the last time you used any of it, or even looked at it?

Would it not be better to draw a line under it and skip it all?

Yes it’s mainly cringing at the thought of MIL going through everything, I’m embarrassed at the amount junk although she contributed to a lot of it!

Yeah that’s what stbex wants to do. I want him to have a tidy, clutter free home for when the children stay with him too. It’ll be a fresh start for us all.

I can totally understand, but keep your eyes on the prize, a fresh start and no more clutter. Maybe MIL is hoping to retrieve stuff she'd given you? Whatever the motivation, just free yourself of the burden of dealing with it and be very firm with any future 'gifts".

Op she knows you and she knows her son and knows the state you’ve been living in. It has probs my been driving her barmy whenever she visits. So she won’t be finding anything out, it will just be confirmation of what’s she’s known and has concerned her for many years no doubt

So I’m confused

if this is what ex wants, what on earth is stopping you?

Since your last thread about it a couple of months ago, how much of any progress has been made?

It’s the reluctance for ex and his mother to go through everything together as opposed to me and ex going through everything.

They don’t want to go through it Op
they want to just skip it and get a move on!!!

it is you that wants to go through it

If you won’t do it immediately you’re being unreasonable to ask him to wait. Sorting through stuff is hard. But so is looking at it every day, which you don’t have to do because you were the one that moved out

So why haven't you done this since last thread months ago?

It has and I do hold up my hands, we are in a dreadful mess. It’s been so difficult to clear everything completely get time to go through everything on top of working, caring for my children, doing all the cooking, helping with homework, life admin and daily cleaning of living areas - ex works very long hours and I’m on my own. I promise I’m not making excuses and the children now deserve two clean, clutter free homes. I’ve been deeply overwhelmed for years and struggled to get on top of stuff.

I feel deep shame for not being able to get on top of it.

Listen to your ex op

he wants to just get rid of it all and start afresh

it is you holding things up by procrastinating and wanting to go through everything

it will be junk. Take what you need

So take that shame and put it to good use.

Get the skip, dump the stuff, take what you want, move out

this is what your ex is even encouraging

I lost lots in the divorce as my exh kept the house and I never went back in it after a certain moment. He packed a box of stuff and there was some other stuff I cared about
I walked away from the rest
It's quite liberating in a way. Occasionally im sad because im missing a thing or two. But on the whole it was a lot less stressful than the alternative .. ex started logging everything on a spreadsheet so we could lay claim to things and he wanted most of it. Best feeling in the world to day " take it, i don't care"

Avoiding it won’t help.
It’s just not realistic to deal with this in an hour here and an hour there.
Your dh doesn’t want to live like this, you’re moving out so it’s not fair to leave it like this when he’s saying he will prioritise it and do it NOW. If you want to be there to go through it you need to sort out being there on the day and commit to it once and for all. Dragging this out for months isnt healthy.

My little one who is disabled is extremely destructive and causes chaos which can make it really hard to deal with even general cleaning etc. For example he tips whole packets of cereal, rips tea bags apart, tips washing powder all over the floor, throws food around, tips entire drawers out and causes destruction in every room unfortunately. It’s really difficult and we’ve only recently learned to lock certain rooms to protect items etc. It’s very difficult to contain the chaos!

Personally I think they're doing you a huge favour.

If it's been a couple of months, I see their point. Get your sentimental stuff out now.

I did a clear out of my attic and basement and it just feels so much lighter. I also had room to store some of my eldest things while she's moving without it feeling crammed. And I haven't missed one thing.

Right now for example Op, stop mumsnetting and clear a drawer

Busted! Making a cup of tea then off to tackle one room for a couple of hours 😊

No. Do the drawer first
then the cup of tea

After the first time he did this, why was he able to do it again? Everything in top cupboards, child safety locks on all doors?

We don’t have any locks on our fridge and limited cupboard space in the kitchen so certain items have to be left out for daily use - he breaks child locks unfortunately.