To sort out house clutter with ex after separation

[SimplyM]

Recently separated from DH, instigated by me. I’ll be moving out into a new place nearby. Our marital home is a mess, loads of clutter, piles and piles of stuff in cupboards, in our shed, just an overwhelming amount. Living spaces are fine like our living room and kitchen etc. In our initial conversations it was agreed that we would go halves and hire a skip and go through all the clutter together after I moved out - I promised that I wouldn’t leave the house in a mess and also offered to store stuff in my place (I don’t drive so it’s difficult to transport items)

His mother is desperate to pay for the skip hire and go through everything with my ex ASAP. I haven’t moved out yet and a lot of the stuff is our children’s items, my stuff and stuff that I would really like to go through with my ex.

Clutter is due to masses of stuff being piled upon us from family members, the house is in a mess due to several factors including my being a carer of a severely disabled child and never quite getting on top of everything. I also have ADHD.

So - should I just resign myself to (stbex) mil and ex going through everything the moment I move out and be grateful that I don’t have to deal with it or should I fight my corner for ex to give me more time and us do it together? I’m worried about my stuff being binned, sentimental items thrown and just general unease about mil going through everything.

When I begged him to wait the other day he said how he knew it was only a matter of time before I turned nasty and how I am very lucky that his mother hasn’t made life very difficult(hell) for me.

Please no judgment about the state of the house, it’s been very difficult to get on top of the clutter and chaos! I’ve cleared a fair bit but there’s still an overwhelming amount.

Then just a lock on kitchen door and he's never unsupervised?

So let him and his mother do it. I'm a bit of a hoarder myself, though I don't have kids so it's less problematic in my case. When you get rid of stuff, most of it you will never miss and soon forget about it.

Occasionally you find out you have got rid of something you shouldn't have and would come in handy. But you know what, it's not the end of the world.

Just let the pair of them crack on. Who cares if she sees all the mess? She's about to become your EX mother-in-law.

You need some time to collect your stuff. But you need to give a reasonable time that you’ll do this by, and accept that you might not get everything but you will prioritise somethings that you know matter. You might have to use annual leave or days when you don’t feel like it to just get it done. Do you have a friend who can help you box up too?

After this date you resign yourself to them disposing of whatever. You might request they consider charities vs skip (depending on what it is but it’s their job, their rules).

Clean the drawer and post a pic!!

Why have you not got all these things stored in locked cupboards? He can’t empty drawers if there’s nothing in them in the first place.
Your procrastination is likely very frustrating for your ex. Take everything you need to the new house and leave the rest for him to deal with. If you don’t know what’s in the shed now, then you won’t know what’s being thrown away. My dad had a rule to keep things in order: is you e not used an object or worn an item of clothing in a year, then get rid!

My STBEX went and rented a flat for himself and took a few things and left me with the clutter of a 30 year marriage with 2 DC. When me and the DC left I insisted that he helped clear the garage and outbuildings. The house was fine but the garage and outbuildings were jam packed. He thought there was no issue til I sent photos. So much easier to agree to keep or bin or recycle when dismantling a joint life as a joint task. He was involved in the accumulation. If he resists just take your stuff and leave him to sort the rest. You have offered.

You’re making excuses now.
Fridge lock- pretty unbreakable. https://www.amazon.co.uk/GCRQ-Password-Upgraded-Refrigerator-Combination/dp/B0D3TMK2RF/ref=sr_1_3_sspa?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.dZ0igloFoXLkoG4Sw_0JoAPH4rgIk3ybJrLK6pLLDY9H1Yz4NjS1_cXs13wedGXc8bUw-bEUe44cJnOxe9RiCE-TLiGLW3G0W0eJz6AOK322iP3IzJbc8F7l-BdsGeFaQwrTOKMOJ39p3dZqyiqIPLmQI99K-YHoeM_MUTG1w6XaZh2t64LO8fwpJnrLEdb0-_2iay6H7d_PoBvArllf7XjyzB8fGqBpcAobuvpDDKdlLx9q3cUTd5TD7MnLwI766M7IV-yNBDPVd_bvF4932WSXAUVHRsBSYl8hdN7VBdA.Na1x4vBJoeLZC6KPRT0z0Top07DiO1kvHsQtF7zaUW8&dib_tag=se&keywords=Refrigerator%2BLock&qid=1750002591&sr=8-3-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1
Cupboard locks - https://www.amazon.co.uk/4-5Inch-Password-Combination-Internal-Cupboards/dp/B0DZ687FWN/ref=sr_1_30?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.DxDerTv-jv6kMcSZ0oiq8JcAOv7azx6nwL2Rnsp_n-8hX0xeNU2EwdEMK7eWKvwZ28O8IZe34C-PFOqXgMjaTX45Lxhp97ovLoOt5z9ZAJfgYoQ0Yw_wlqwzQ10K7xJo0L3j6PFAYGJTq3GsZ5nW_0KaQYGG4sH6QQsy1GDx-F7xi4p9wM5Mj8-tUtWlcySzd4BYNfRgucEsla2QPL8i9ZRE8_SOLHEn6H-ouByRjAzZM0t74VIdpvXHbDR-Gaipe5mOOmKVTyr1L-pDYS2grPoWeuEwwNniOkBva8Nek6E._17789bRaCs12jISwpzhXAXJnqAoY-IbCZRd15Gp5D8&dib_tag=se&keywords=cupboard%2Block&qid=1750002675&sr=8-30&th=1

It's a bit rich to waltz off and leave it all behind. But then block people from sorting it (and forcing them to live in it, while you live clutter free in a new place).

As you are the one leaving him, I can understand his and his mother’s point of view to get it all sorted asap.

But I can understand that you don’t want her going through your things.

You do need to just crack on and sorry with him asap or allow them to do it because the delay is unfair on him and just prolongs it all for you.

Being proactive is often difficult but once done is a great relief.

It's the other way round... the ex has been trying to sort but op keeps procrastinating.

How about whizzing through each drawer, box or cupboard by yourself, take out what you want and leave the rest for ex to sort out/dump by himself.

Sure it would normally be quicker if you both commit time and energy at the same time point but it ain't gonna happen with a destructive dc around. So just take your precious items and let him do whatever he wants with the rest. Stop creating a problem when there doesn't need to be one.

If you couldn’t do it when you where there how are you going to do it when you don’t live there?

think what you want find it now and take it with you. Then let your husband and mil sort it

No. No he's not free to chuck out stuff (with or without his mother) the OP has the right to keep as much of it as she wants/can handle.

@SimplyM

i would compromise. I'd box everything I wanted & hire someone to move the boxes when you get a place & tell them anything you leave behind on your move out day.

Tell STBXH to tell you anything he would like so you can share the stuff you both want.

be glad you'll soon be rid of EXMIL!!

Sounds like you're both overwhelmed and a bit of a hoarder.

Realistically it's not getting done so you should be biting off MIL's hand at the offer. It's just "stuff" and it's getting in the way of you all living your lives.

Take what you want and leave them to it.

a nice new minimalist start sounds just the ticket!

the OP has the right to keep as much of it as she wants/can handle.
Well, yes, but not to leave it somewhere she no longer lives or financially contributes towards?

Hopefully the OP is busy sorting through the remaining clutter.

With kindness, extra time rarely helps. I say this as someone who's been overwhelmed. Not with clutter, but I let DS3s DLA lapse because I just couldn't get myself together to do the renewal. So I've had to put in a new claim. I have so much evidence (EHCP/assessments/diagnosis) yet I just didn't get it finished in time. I can't even explain why tbh.

So I think it's better to tell them tomorrow to get the skip booked and draw a line.

Decide what you are taking to the new house in terms of your clothes, books and other personal items.
Then go through the kids clothing and toys and get rid of anything they have outgrown.

Op. Would you say that you have hoarding tendencies , maybe just walking away might be the best thing for you .

"No he's not free to chuck out stuff"

He is if it's in his living space after she's moved and she's has had a couple months to pack it up but hasn't even gone through it.

His home is not free storage for her stuff.

3 hours de-cluttering yesterday! More today - phew! 😮‍💨

She not free to keep it in someone else’s home! If she wants it she can take it with her when she moves.

I think it’s better to have a brutal clear out to be honest. Grab what you value but assume 90% should get ditched. It doesn’t really matter if the odd bit of useful clothing, unread book, occasionally played with board game or toy goes really.

Ithink you need to mentally detatch.

The two don't have to be mutually exclusive. If she's happy to book a skip, that will make it far easier for you to do the clearing, esp as you don't drive. The hardest bit for me when I try and do a sort and chuck is that the stuff that needs to go ends up all muddled with the things I'm keeping. I have asked for a skip for my birthday.

Realistically you’re not going to do it ever OP. At best take a box and pick up 10 or so essential items and then let MIL and EH sort through and skip the items. They will be able to throw thing away or donate when you wouldn’t be able to. Let them deal with it, they’ve offered and they will be capable of it