Father in law asked why we didn’t use protection.

[UK2NO23]

My husband and I have an almost one year old and we have recently told our families that we are expecting after confirmation at our first scan.
My husband has been over his parents’ house today and seen them face to face for the first time since. I did not attend but my husband came home and told me that his father had asked why we didn’t use protection.
I wasn’t present so I don’t know the full context or tone of the conversation but I am quite hurt by the comment. Unsure if hormones are making me unreasonable.

(Just for context, yes baby was unplanned but we did want another eventually and are happy about the situation.)

It's common knowledge babes

Some people can’t resist making shitty comments. When my friend’s wife was pregnant with their 3rd, his mother said, ‘Again?? You do understand how babies are made, right?’

I think it's a reasonable thing to discuss with your child who has just announced an unplanned pregnancy. You don't stop being a parent just because they are one themselves. And to be fair with an under 1 year old already if other people don't say it they will be thinking it.

It all depends on the context of how it was said. If it was a scolding, then that’s out of line because it’s none of his business. If it was said as a joke between father and son like a ohh jeeze so soon kind of attitude but ultimately still happy for you then I don’t see a problem.

Well if I told my parents i was having an unplanned baby then I can see why they might ask that. Im
more interested in how your DH framed the announcement/what he told him about it being unplanned for his father to ask that

He thought out loud. Who knows if your dh sounded stressed about it or expressed how he really felt? Sounds random without some context. Telling you as well sounds like your dh is trying to say something indirectly?

You don’t need to be a doctor to know that. Our midwife on discharge both times said we should ideally not have less than a 2 year gap.

I am trying hard, but I can think of no good reason why your FIL would say that to his married son on hearing happy news.

Is he usually so unpleasant and intrusive?

Your DH went in a lighthearted way laughing and his dad joked, "why didn't you use protection, had a night drinking?". Or, your DH went in concerned how he feels about another so close, worried about your health, and FIL asked in concern, thinking why did this happen?
You see you don't know and neither do we!

If the baby wasn’t planned and your husband told your fil this, then it’s a fairly understandable question.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy though.

Context is all here and without knowing exactly what the two of them said, you cannot really form an opinion.

The OP is three months pregnant ( presuming it wasn't a private scan) and first child isn't one yet. That's not pretty standard.

It was a conversation between father and son OP, just forget it.

Your DH father asked him if he used protection. Not you. He asked his own son. I don't think it necessarily a rude thing to ask. If my DD had been in that situation, knowing how hard it's going to be for her (and her partner) and knowing the relationship we have I would maybe have asked the same thing.

If the husband is the type to relay this to his pregnant wife who he must know well enough that she wouldn't find it funny, what must be his motive for telling her? Is he using the FIL as a prop for his own regret at the pregnancy? I wouldn't put it beyond the husband to have announced it with sadness or frustration to the dad who then blurted this out at his son's awkward announcement. Blame your husband for telling you. Why is he such a gossip!

The husband is alienating you from FiL, the grandad of the kids.

The problem is not that your FIL said it (he's probably one of those tedious people who "say it like it is") but that your dopey husband came home and told you about it without framing it appropriately. What made him do that?

Are they being used for childcare?

Congrats

but I don’t get this baby was unplanned that so many say

if you don’t use contraceptive then you run the risk getting preg

so do kinda agree with your fil.

Context matters.

Some years ago a friend discovered she was about 12 weeks pregnant - her first was about 6 months old at the time. I can't recall now if the two children ended up in the same school year, but I know it was a distinct possibility.

A lot of people said pretty much the same thing "OMG, how come? What contraception were you using? Were you using any?".

If it was said as a reaction to DH saying it was unplanned, then it's a reasonable question.

But if DH said "great news, we are having another baby" and someone said "why weren't you using contraception" then that's different and implied they don't approve of the pregnancy.

Context.

I agree the context is relevant.

I wonder if the alleged wife beater Stanley Johnson ever has said that to his older son?

Well the recommendation is 12-18 months post c-section… so I highly doubt it’s 2 years as standard. Besides they’ll be 3 months short of 2 years by the time the baby is born anyway? Hardly far off!

It seems like a pretty valid question to me. If you aren’t trying to have a baby, why wouldn’t you use protection?!

Congratulations though!

my two cents- which I appreciate won’t be popular - but it’s never appropriate for parents to ask their adult children about sex and related topics like protection. You had your chance to educate them about such things as children but it’s uncomfortable at best and infantilising at worst to talk about such things with them as adults!

I don't think it's that unreasonable a thing to say if your husband had said new pregnancy was unplanned. Depends how it was said though. I don't expect your father in law meant it to be relayed to you.

It sounds like he thinks you're both irresponsible and without further context it's hard to know whether you in fact aren't and he's just horrible