Father’s Day and Mil

[Flazidah]

In laws have a history of being overbearing. I am polite with them but they’ve said/done things before that have upset/annoyed DH and I and so I don’t feel as close to them as I thought I would.

In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t a huge deal but it does bothers me. Ever since we had DS, my MIL has gotten DH a Father’s Day gift and card. The first one was not long after DS had been born and while I got DH a card and a bottle of something, I didn’t really get much else.

Mil got him a card from DS and a really lovely sentimental gift and to be honest, probably fuelled by hormones I felt awful about it, like my gift was rubbish. I did not say anything or show I was feeling anything about it.

She gets something for DH every year and always marks it from DS so I’m expecting the same tomorrow.

I should see it as a kind thing but instead it annoys me. I always feel it is overstepping and it is for me to sort a gift for DH from our DS. It also makes me feel that the effort I make isn’t good enough.

AIBU to feel this way?

How you feel about your DS, she feels about hers. Try not to feel personal about it, she just loves her son.

Yes, but it's not 'son's day', so she should really leave it to the OP.

That would annoy me too. I would tell her to stop.

I wouldn't like this either. MIL had her years to do presents for her DH from your DH. IMO it's is overstepping but not sure what you can do about it without making it into a big issue.

Preface: I really dislike my mil so generally more than happy to complain about her..but....

Gently yabu.

My mum gets my mothers day gifts and mil gets something for Dh.

Its pretty normal amonst people i know especially when kids are small.... its more like a "its tough you are doing a good job, thanks for the grandchild"

I’d find this annoying too. Definitely for you to sort presents on behalf of your son.

But why does it hurt? Why wouldn't you want your partner to have some extra love/appreciation?

If it makes the OP feel bad on a day where she's doing stuff for the father of her child, the MiL should back off. She can give her son an appreciation gift anytime.

Defo overstepping

Get him better presents, then?

I get Mother's Day flowers from my father and my brothers, as well as whatever DH gets me. I send them all Father’s Day gifts. Some families like to celebrate these things and each other. If DH wanted my family of origin to stop celebrating me quite so much (he doesn’t and would never) because it made him feel bad, I’d think quite poorly of him.

I think she’s just trying to do something nice for her son because he’s a dad now.

Surely the more love and appreciation your DH is shown on Fathers’ Day the better?

but her son is now a father? It's not "Husbands or partners who are Fathers day" its Fathers day.

why is it only OPs role to "celebrate" fathers day?

OP needs to be made at her own parents and DH for not getting her anything for Mothers day

If it makes the OP feel bad on a day where she's doing stuff for the father of her child, the MiL should back off
Does mil actually know op feels bad if she hasn't said anything?
Personally I can't see what the fuss is about, not something I'd do, but I'd be pleased dh was getting an extra gift.

It's nice for MIL get something for her son, to celebrate his being a father.

But, she should not be the "voice" of the child - that role falls to the OP, who is the baby's mother. They are the family unit now, so until DS can write his own card, OP does it on his behalf. The MIL has no role in this family unit.

I’m popping it on here because it is just good to get the thought out

Am definitely not going to say anything in real life because it isn’t the end of the world and I think she would react badly and it isn’t worth any aggro

Am probably feeling this way because of things that have happened in the past

I think it is mostly because she marks the card and gift from DS. I don’t think I’d be as bothered if it was from PIL as I would see it as some pp’s have said, like a well done on being a good dad sort of thing

Just to clarify my DH does get me something for Mother’s Day. My mum and my Mil don’t but I wouldn’t expect them to.

DH and I get each other similar things and we’re quite happy with them.

I don’t see a problem at all.

I wouldn't like it either. I wouldn't say anything because it is petty but I'd feel disgruntled.

The issue for me would be that she's doing it on dgc behalf not herself as a well done dad kind of thing. I don't know what I would do about it though as it's not something my mil would have done.

It seems to come in the context of an already over bearing MiL anyway, it might have been dismissed as a nice gesture from a MiL who had boundaries, but from the OP's original post, that seems not to be the case so it's yet another thing to undermine her.

I’m popping it on here because it is just good to get the thought out
You could have done that on the relationship board which would have been more suitable maybe.

I think this is the crux of the issue and only going to become more so when your child starts making his own cards etc. I would mention it, personally, and frame it that way.

@Flazidah tell her tomorrow that she must not do it next year. it is your job and not hers. I made my mil stop buying my kids advent calendars because that was something a mum should do and not a granny!

I understand why you are annoyed, even though it's not entirely logical.

I wouldn't care at all if my in-laws got DH something for Father's Day... but I'd find it a real overstep if they gave it on behalf of my DC. I'm their mum and that's my job (and DH's for other events).

this absolutely.

Buying DH something to acknowledge him being a great dad is absolutely fine. Buying a gift and card and marking it from DS feels like overstepping. My two year old loves "writing" cards - I know that means a lot to DH and I love doing that with him. I can't understand why MIL wouldn't want to give mum the opportunity to do that. If you feel able to, I would say something. I also had to do it with advent calendars @allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld - MIL has been buying her son advent calendars for 40 years, I want to do it for mine!