Father’s Day and Mil

[Flazidah]

In laws have a history of being overbearing. I am polite with them but they’ve said/done things before that have upset/annoyed DH and I and so I don’t feel as close to them as I thought I would.

In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t a huge deal but it does bothers me. Ever since we had DS, my MIL has gotten DH a Father’s Day gift and card. The first one was not long after DS had been born and while I got DH a card and a bottle of something, I didn’t really get much else.

Mil got him a card from DS and a really lovely sentimental gift and to be honest, probably fuelled by hormones I felt awful about it, like my gift was rubbish. I did not say anything or show I was feeling anything about it.

She gets something for DH every year and always marks it from DS so I’m expecting the same tomorrow.

I should see it as a kind thing but instead it annoys me. I always feel it is overstepping and it is for me to sort a gift for DH from our DS. It also makes me feel that the effort I make isn’t good enough.

AIBU to feel this way?

This old one again about advent calendars. So, so petty. Is it really worth souring relations with a mil over an advent calendar ? Let the mil buy the chocolate one and you buy a nice traditional one with pictures. DCs enjoy both.

As for the Father’s Day present - irritating, yes, but I’d suck it up. Imo it’s not worth falling out over small things - and I would add that my mil was an absolute pita. All that happens is your dh gets stuck in the middle and many rows ensue.

It is not a competition my husbands relationship with his parents is not my business, I mean this as a general not a bad thing

It is none of my business what they buy him same for me and mine

She’s overstepping.

I must say I do find it strange she acknowledges her son on Father’s Day with a gift but not you on Mother’s Day with a gift. You are married to her son and the mother to her GC it doesn’t have to be equal but you should get a little something a box of chocolates or something. This would make me feel like she doesn’t appreciate what I do raising her GC or see me as family. Without you she wouldn’t have her grandchild plus you were the one carrying and birthing the child. And children have a way of picking up on discrepancies. Your child will wonder as they get older why their dad got something and you didn’t.

I missed that second part for some odd reason. It seems like they are ignoring your role in the family and trying to completely shut you out. Ignoring you on Mother’s Day while elevating their son on Father’s Day with lavish gifts. Inviting your son and his father to family functions and leaving you out is not on. You, your husband, and child are part of one collective family unit. It should always be all are invited or none. Where is your husband in all of this? Why isn’t he speaking up and saying mom it’s rude to lavish me with gifts on Father’s Day and overlook the mother of your GC on Mother’s Day. Mom it’s rude to invite my whole family over and leave out my wife your DIL and the mother of your GC. Your child will eventually pick up on this treatment and become resentful of how their grandparents treat their mother. Not to mention it’s a bad example to set for the children your husband their father not being a united front with their mother. Next time I would just show up to the family function and if they say something crass like why are you here I would simply say, “of course im here duh I’m part of your son and my child’s immediate family unit surely you weren’t rude enough to actually invite everyone in my immediate family but me.”

Honestly, they are very rude not inviting you when they invite your DH and your child. Maybe just invite your FIL to visit and leave your MIL out. I wonder how she would react. Not well, I assume.

What does your DH think about their behaviour? Would he be a bit put out if your mum bought you much better Mother's Day presents than he does and signed them from your child?

I give my DD a small gift on mother's day, and her child free sister does too, as we see each other on the day, when they visit me.
I wish my son in law a Happy Father's Day, but don't give a gift as I don't see him on the day, as they visit his family then.

That feels quite natural to me. Am I wrong?

What about how it makes DH feel?

YABU

This would drive me bananas. Buying him a card from her would be a bit weird (He’s not her dad) but fine, but she’s not your son’s mum. Choosing the Fathers’ Day card/gift/whatever from a child is the mum’s job. MIL doing it is such a power move.

Why would the father be ok with his wife’s feelings being hurt? That would be super strange and disloyal to her. Surely if he knows his wife feels like her role is being usurped he would be protective of his wife’s feelings. Unless he is a total momma’s boy who wants to receive big gifts from his mother despite his wife’s feelings

It just sounds weird and silly rather than upsetting. I'd be having more of an eyeroll reaction than an hurt one.

Hijacking your post but there were a lot of dog themed father day gifts in the shops.

Are they aimed at people who buy a gift from the dog (so dog is the child) or are they for fathers who love dogs? Ds and I couldn’t decide which market they were aimed at.

This would not be OK for me. It’s fathers day, not sons day. Not her place to get him something

If she follows your advice there will be a big fall out

Imagine if your mum did this for you and your DH told her to stop it!

Never heard of this in my life.

The day is for the younger generation to give to the older.
Mother's Day or Father's Day.
If they are too young then the other spouse parent does it unlikely they are older. Never heard of a grandparent doing it in my life.

I'd be annoyed too.

So this year DH got a Father’s Day card signed by DS - PIL helped him to write it out. And PIL also got DH a gift from them. Nothing extravagant but this is the first time they’ve gotten something from both DS and themselves.

The card/gift from DS still feels like an overstep but, I have reflected and I don’t think I will say anything to PIL even as DS gets older. There are other issues with PIL and this is not the hill to die on.

I feel quietly better that others have the same view as it helps to know I’m not completely unreasonable.

To answer a few questions DS is 4.

FIL’s birthday wasn’t an event or party it was PIL, DS and DH.

I don’t think DH saw an issue with me not being invited. I wasn’t hugely upset but did think that it is a bit out of the norm for them not to have invited me. I suppose, in the same way I don’t think it is the norm to give your son a Father’s Day card on behalf of your grandchild when you’ve a DIL who does that.

DH is very supportive and where PIL have done things that have been a bigger overstep he has challenged them. I think with this situation, it isn’t a big issue in the grand scheme of things and he hasn’t a clue how I feel. As pp’s have pointed out I probably seem petty to bring it up and that is why I’ve not done so.

Having thought about it, there are other things that PIL have done that have been a bigger overstep and they’ve been things that have been more significant in terms of their impact, both me and DH have been on the same page and he has been really supportive so that’s a good thing.

We had such a lovely day yesterday. DS enjoyed giving his gifts to DH but otherwise just saw it as a normal day and even though PIL do bother me, overall it didn’t take anything away from our day together so am just going to as another pp put it, internally eye role and try to ignore it.

My DH's friend's mum got him a father's day present on his first father's day (I was a few weeks pp but I also had got him something from our baby) and I didn't mind, but I'd find it overbearing if MIL did because she's overbearing anyway and thinks she and her son are better than I am (in specific ways- she has said this). I don't know how I'd feel if I had a MIL that had a functional relationship with her son (and me!) because I'm not in that situation.