Father’s Day and Mil

[Flazidah]

In laws have a history of being overbearing. I am polite with them but they’ve said/done things before that have upset/annoyed DH and I and so I don’t feel as close to them as I thought I would.

In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t a huge deal but it does bothers me. Ever since we had DS, my MIL has gotten DH a Father’s Day gift and card. The first one was not long after DS had been born and while I got DH a card and a bottle of something, I didn’t really get much else.

Mil got him a card from DS and a really lovely sentimental gift and to be honest, probably fuelled by hormones I felt awful about it, like my gift was rubbish. I did not say anything or show I was feeling anything about it.

She gets something for DH every year and always marks it from DS so I’m expecting the same tomorrow.

I should see it as a kind thing but instead it annoys me. I always feel it is overstepping and it is for me to sort a gift for DH from our DS. It also makes me feel that the effort I make isn’t good enough.

AIBU to feel this way?

I made my mil stop buying my kids advent calendars because that was something a mum should do and not a granny!
Who says?
My mum bought my kids the advent calendar until they were 14. And why not?
She also gave them money from the tooth fairy as an extra bonus!
My nan did the same for us.
I dont get all this angst and resentment about who ' should' buy what.
I was happy that my parents ( and Dh's) cared about them to do stuff like that.

I would hate this too! Not the getting a gift but signing it from your DS. Mega overstep, but like you I would probably not mention it and save the boundaries for the bigger things. My
MIL calls DS “her baby” absolutely hate it but figure in the grand scheme of things it’s fine and just smile and ignore

This would really annoy me too! I’ve never heard of any mums/MILs doing this before, I think it’s nice for a husband and wife to do it for each other from their child. If my MIL did this, it would piss me off.

Im seperated now so it's a non issue but i personally find this ick purely because I know I would have helped ds (2.5) to create a fathers day gift/artwork etc or taken him out to pick out a present. So it would actually be from HIM. So if my mil then picked out a gift on his behalf that'd kind of undermine ds gift to his dad.

I'm wondering how does this work in another year or so when your ds is getting his own presents? She would need to back off then. I personally wouldn't like this as it would make me feel like she doesn't think I'd think/ care enough to sort that out myself as a wife and mother.

I think when your kid is big enough to notice I would say to her oh don't worry about buying dh a gift from X this year, I'll be taking X to pick out his own gift and I think dh will really appreciate that he's chosen it.

I really like my MIL, but this would annoy me.

Totally fine to do a “here’s a gift because I think you’re doing a wonderful job as a father”.
She shouldn’t be writing it from the son though.

Really?

I find this really odd and overstepping OP. I can’t imagine doing it if either of my sons became fathers only if the mother wasn’t in the picture.

Wow.

some of these posts, that’s so hard.

for us, advent calendars, stockings, whatever, all fine. When to many I can donate.

but buying dad or mum a gift from child, when other parent not only present but together with a family unit, nope.

I would get it in a separation situation. Or in a here’s a gift son from your mum situation, but this is weird OP. I hope you are ok.

I have no idea which bit you’re questioning, tbh. But, yes, really.

My mum gets me a small gift and flowers for Mother’s Day, I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

It’s over stepping. She’s not the child’s mother it’s not her role to get gifts for the dad from the child.

Thanks everyone. Good to have different perspectives.

I do think it’s the signing from DS bit that bothers me. DH is a great dad and husband so I don’t begrudge him getting an extra gift as such. But I have always found the signing from DS bit weird and an overstep.

I am not going to mention it but may as DS gets older because as pp’s have pointed out, he will want to pick his own gift and sign his own card. I think that I’d be asking her to sign it from her going forward rather than outright telling her to stop getting a gift though.

Get him better presents? Why?

I’m with you OP! In fact I was going to write a similar post to this… but now I don’t need to 😂.

Father’s day gifts and cards should come from a child towards their own father / father figure. Anyone is else is overstepping.
Don’t need my MIL to tell my DH what a wonderful father he is, my own kids do that as he is their father. She sees him once a month, if that, so she’s clutching at straws and wants to make herself look good. So really it’s all about her, not him.

I hope she got you something on Mother’s Day if she got your husband something on Father’s Day. Because you are the mother of her GC and her DIL and if his efforts as a dad gets recognized your efforts as a mom should as well. And as far as overstepping if the gift was signed from your DS that’s way overstepping that’s your role as your DS’s mother to initiate gifts on behalf of your son you are his mother and because of you he is the father to your child so in that aspect that has nothing to do with your MIL. Now if MIL got him a Father’s Day gift signed from her then that’s normal but again as long as she recognized you on Mother’s Day as well

But does MIL give her DIL love and attention on Mother’s Day as well? You know for carrying and birthing her GC?

I agree with this. My mum will sometimes get me a wee thing on mother's day just to say thank you for raising her Grandkids but she does it from her, not from my kids.

How old is ds? I'd probably let it go til he's about 3 or 4 then say ds is going to choose card and present so please don't do it from now on

Sorry, what? Where has this rule come from?

So I don’t expect a Mother’s Day gift from my Mil or my mum. But no she doesn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day. Birthdays and Christmas we do get one another gifts so it’s not that she gets things for DH and not me all the time.

I do think if it is being signed by DS that when DS is older he will probably ask his GP’s why they get something for his dad and not his mum. Which actually is another reason I think may say something to mil when DS is a bit older and ask her to sign it from mil not DS.

I think in general they can be a bit intense with things so it fuels how I feel. I do find that if we are ever with them as a family, they ask a little about DH, nothing about me and then a million questions or comments about DS. There has been times they have invited DH and DS to things eg breakfast for fil birthday and didn’t extend the invite. In one way I was pleased as they tend to try and take over with DS when we are all together but another part of me thought really that’s a bit rude.

A lot of issues, but I do feel better that even without all that extra background, a lot of pp’s have said they would feel similar. And I get some don’t feel that way and for that reason I’ve never made my feelings known to Mil or DH. But posting for me, I do feel better about it

This would annoy me too. I’d either have a word and ask her to stop or make it a thing with your DH and laugh about it every year. What is she going to do when your DC is old enough to go shopping with you and pick something and she’s still getting a gift ‘from DC’

Inviting your husband and child to a family event and leaving you out is shockingly rude, OP.

As long as your DH knows that your DS didn’t actually sign the card himself or go out and buy the present, I think your DH can just enjoy the gift.

I’m now just concerned what my SIL thinks of me making advent calendars for my niece and nephew for the past 15 years.

Because she’s feeling her gifts are rubbish in comparison to MIL’s. That’s why.

I do think if it is being signed by DS that when DS is older he will probably ask his GP’s why they get something for his dad and not his mum.

He probably won’t. He’ll get that they’re his dad’s parents, not yours, and not think about it as deeply as you are.

There has been times they have invited DH and DS to things eg breakfast for fil birthday and didn’t extend the invite. In one way I was pleased as they tend to try and take over with DS when we are all together but another part of me thought really that’s a bit rude.

That is spectacularly rude and disrespectful. IMO, that’s the sort of thing you should be getting cross about. The Father’s Day thing I don’t see as an issue.