To think neighbours should have had their son apologise?

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

My neighbour's son, age 12, threw rocks at my children and me when he was not invited to my son’s birthday party. I did not grow up in the U.K. but am raising my children here. I would have imagined that most parents would have at minimum had their child go back and apologise for the violent / harmful behaviour. These parents haven’t done any of that. They saw him - and they did try to stop him - but when I later spoke to them expressing concerns, they simply made excuses, saying he was just being emotional because he felt disappointed. For the record, he and my son are not even close, although we have had him over a few times. And the birthday party he missed was not something he saw taking place - he only heard about it.

is the norm in British culture to teach children who misbehave in an extreme way to go back and apologise, build character and integrity, etc? Please tell me these neighbours are in the minority. Am I wrong to think they should have had their son apologise?

I actually agree with identifying with and empathising with the underlying emotion. I think that is the only way emotional maturity is going to take place. If it were my child I would definitely try to talk through the feeling of being left out and empathise with that. And then talk about what we can do with that feeling going forward, working towards understanding that violence is a choice we don’t have to make and that there are better ways to express the feelings and talk things through. I honestly think emotional literacy and self-soothing is probably the best way to avoid violence. I know all of this must be more complex with for children additional needs - although I haven’t had any indication that the child in question has SEN.

You are so concerned about the feelings of a twelve-year-old thug, I hate to think what your culture is like

Actually, there is absolutely no "children should be seen and not heard" philosophy in country where I live, and the children and adolescents are generally lovely. I never flinch when going past a group of teenage boys the way I do in the uk

Of your soon-to-be ex has such a low opinion of British culture, why is he here?

The beginnings of another man in society who has been enabled by those around him to believe an acceptable way to express his emotions is through violence and aggression.

I have told him that I think the problem is more of an internal discontent he needs to resolve rather than a real problem with where we are. He critiques many different things (place of work, social clubs, etc). His family did move a lot when he was growing up, so he says he has trouble settling down anywhere. He moved here ages ago with his parents. Personally, I have been happy here. People have been friendly. It’s safe. There are many social / cultural opportunities where we live. We have made friends. My colleagues are kind. It’s hard to drown out the many years of noise of stbx and MIL complaining about many different things.

The parents are possible ‘gently parenting’ him. they don’t believe in ‘forced’ apologies or children being corrected in anyway. Same child will be hitting his own parents soon or throwing rocks/ items at them whenever he’s disappointed or emotional.
keep him clearly away from your own kid in the meantime. He’s trouble waiting to happen.

eh?

So the OP is the bad guy, not the 12 year old throwing rocks at her and her children. And by wanting an apology she is indulging in an act of power. Jesus fucking christ. No wonder elderly people are getting beaten to death by feral kids. Oh hang on, I've got this all wrong - it must be the old codgers' fault for walking around minding their own business. Power crazed wankers the lot of them.

Totally agree. For children like this (mine too) it is EVEN more important they understand how to apologise after the fact. Fair enough having a meltdown. But apologise afterwards.

This isnt a culture thing it's a decency one.

I would be furious about this behavour. I tell mine, and any kids I look after (neices, Godkids) you are responsible for how you behave regardless of how you feel.

If he'd cried, huffed, stomped about fine hes allowed big feelings but violence is never OK and id absolutely be insisting in apology and amends.

So sorry you experienced this horrible thing and absence of accountability

What so wrong with punishment? After all, when the little darling gets to adulthood, throws a tantrum and chucks a rock at someone, gives them a head injury or worse, then gets sent down, he will be punished.

I agree.