To think neighbours should have had their son apologise?

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My neighbour's son, age 12, threw rocks at my children and me when he was not invited to my son’s birthday party. I did not grow up in the U.K. but am raising my children here. I would have imagined that most parents would have at minimum had their child go back and apologise for the violent / harmful behaviour. These parents haven’t done any of that. They saw him - and they did try to stop him - but when I later spoke to them expressing concerns, they simply made excuses, saying he was just being emotional because he felt disappointed. For the record, he and my son are not even close, although we have had him over a few times. And the birthday party he missed was not something he saw taking place - he only heard about it.

is the norm in British culture to teach children who misbehave in an extreme way to go back and apologise, build character and integrity, etc? Please tell me these neighbours are in the minority. Am I wrong to think they should have had their son apologise?

A 12 year old throwing rocks because he hasn’t been invited to a party, really isn’t normal.

I’d have phoned the police, tbh. His parents sound awful too.

This is solid advice. Thank you. I didn’t really want to jump to calling police but as I think this family doesn’t see their son’s conduct as a big deal, I may have to bc he has done other more minor things (which are the reasons my son doesn’t like him and why he was not invited to the party). He lives so close by which is why all of this has been harder. He literally just appears in our garden. One of the parents effectively said “boys will be boys”. There has been no remorse.

Nah @PrincessFairyWren OP isnt u9set child wasnt "punished infront of her"
She's upset she could have been seriously injured and there seems to be no awareness or acknowledgement of that.

Which honestly lS concerning.
And as a parent even if I addressed it privately id have spoken to OP post fact and explained what steps were taken because I would understand how serious it is.

There is no world in which I believe these parents handled this appropriately.

And its long past a forced sorry...

I’d certainly take my child over to apologise, as would most decent parents. I personally wouldn’t call the police, they won’t do anything but have a word, and it will certainly inflame the situation. If you didn’t have to live next to them maybe, but I think it will make things 100 times worse.

@PrincessFairyWren Completely disagree. A child of that age should be taught to acknowledge their wrong doings with the person. It is common decency but also part of reparative justice considering that this could be considered a criminal act. Bar significant SEND, (and even then, if it’s within their capacity and development the child still needs to understand wrong doing/crime), the child has to take responsibility

A boy died from getting hit on the side of the head wrong with a rock when I was a kid.

OP and her child could have been seriously hurt. A 12 year old boy often has a strong throwing arm.

Wanting an apology and some assurance it won't happen again isn't a power trip, it is perfectly normal. Your repsonse is bizarre.

I think you should have called the Police!

That's not "childish pranks", but Yobbo territory.
The parents are a disgrace

A 12 year old throwing stones at other children because they didn't get invited to a party of someone they aren't even friends with is not typical behaviour so expecting a typical response of remorse and apology in a typical timeframe is probably not something the child is capable of. Really in this situation it is the parents I would be expecting to apologise and reassure that they will take steps to prevent such dangerous behaviour reoccurring.

You could extend this to lots of other teaching we do with our kids though. I ‘enforce’ saying please and thank you (with my just turned 4yo). Is he genuinely thankful when I give him something? I’m not sure, he’s probably happy but not necessarily grateful as such, however, I want him to learn social etiquette. So, from an early age Ive said please or thank you, every time he asks without saying it and he repeats it.

Great generalisation 👏

Presumably that’s your experience. It’s certainly not mine; the parents I have encountered are continuously trying to instil good behaviour and manners in their kids. I wouldn’t, however, assume that ALL English parents are like the ones I’ve meet, that would be ridiculous.

I definitely instinctively feel what you are saying here. That is my fear as well.

I'm sorry this happened.
It is not normal.
My DS would be made apologise, clean your garden and kept in his room for a month.

But lots of countries don’t use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ anywhere near as much, often because they express politeness or gratitude in the syntax. It doesn’t make other nationalities ‘rude’.

I agree. There is good and bad in every society.
These neighbours are not reasonably people, minium contact, calling the police will escalate things, If it continues then make the complaint.

How big were the “rocks”?
Did anyone get hit?
How many were thrown ?
over what time period ?

Rock sizes ranged from gravel to a few that may have been half-golf ball size as far as I am aware (judging by the sounds they made as they hit our house and feeling on my back). I did not closely examine because I turned my back and headed for shelter. I can also look at the area where he got the rocks as he was grabbing handfuls. People were hit but no one was bruised as far as I know.

There have been other problems with this child when he has come over before, but the most overt aggression and “throwing” took place over about a 3-day period very recently.

This

Wise words all around. Thank you. I can see that the neighbours response is not considered normal behaviour - which is what I suspected. My in-laws (also ex-pats) made some rude, off base comments that I believe were narrow minded telling me that British families wouldn’t teach good behaviour but I am going to ignore what they said. I’m completely on board with what most people in this thread have said and you’ve given me the reassurance I have needed about this difficult situation as well.

And we found the parent who lets their child get away with anything.

Eyes cannot roll far enough at this.

Even if the child does not feel remorse and isn't sorry for what he did, apologising for his actions may make him think twice about doing it again. For all those saying he shouldn't be made to apologise if he doesn't mean it, is there a line to be drawn? Should anyone ever apologise for anything?

You’ve worded this really nicely here.

In answer to the original question OP I think there are some people in the UK that take alternative approaches to discipline which may include things like not making someone apology or a "low demand" approach. Most are sticking with a more traditional approach with emphasis on treating others decently and consequences for poor behaviour.

2nd post I’ve seen now slagging off the British/English 🙄

No OP, your culture is much superior - in Britain we like to raise our kids as hooligans to set them up for their future trips to Benidorm. We just love violence here, can’t get enough of it.

Do you mean rocks or do you mean stones?