Not living together her. Why as it seen as a lesser relationship

[FedupofArsenalgame]

Following on from another thread on here it got me thinking

As the OP and her partner don't live together people have upped up they are " just dating" " not in a committed relationship" or even " FWB"

Why on earth do people think that you can't have a committed relationship unless you are living in the same house?

I suppose it's considered that you aren't actually sharing your lives. At least, not the mundane stuff as well as the highlights.

You would arrange with your friends to go out to the theatre or to a nice restaurant, but you wouldn't talk to them about how to split chores or which washing machine to buy.

Also, whilst plenty of people have very committed relationships without children - whether by choice or not - the perceived 'norm' is that a heterosexual couple under a certain age will want to start a family, which also signifies their intention to stay together for keeps.

Once you bring children into the mix, it's ridiculous to expect to plan ahead for them not to live with both of their parents in the same home. Yes, of course it happens a lot through many differing types of circumstances that relationships end and children don't live permanently with both parents; but most people at least start out with the sincere hope of being one family unit in one home together.

I agree with you. I know people who are happily married who don’t live together. Whether you live together is not an indicator of how serious you are about your relationship.

This reminds me of the two actresses who are very much long term together but don’t live together. But spend most of their time at each others houses.

perfectly fine.

I’m married, my DH and I live a couple of houses apart and are very happy and share everything…apart from a house. I’d never live with anyone again.

A lot of people can't conceive of anything outside their own limited experience.

My now DH and have been together coming up to 20 years. We lived apart for the first 12 years because I had children from a previous marriage and he and I decided we weren't going to live together until they were grown up. We each couldn't have been any more committed; we knew we were going to get married and when the time was right, we did.

I've been with DP for fourteen years and we live apart

Neither of us want to live with anyone and it wouldn't work if we were in the same property. As it is it's like dating. We go out together a couple of times a week and with friends as well. The rest of the time we do our own thing

Quite a few of our friends are quite envious of our situation.

We do go on holiday as well. 🙂🙂

I suppose because if you’re living together, you truly are ‘sharing a life.’ As in, you’re sharing the chores, maintenance, cooking, cleaning etc. Your space is their space. If you’re living apart, there’s still a part of your life which isn’t shared.
Nothing wrong with it though imo, I don’t think it means the couple are less in love or less serious!

Some Mumsnetters are incredibly weird about other people’s relationships. A relationship doesn’t magically become more important just because you share a house, or get married, or whatever.

I only think living arrangements become relevant when an OP is looking for advice on splitting. When someone posts about an absolute shit show of a relationship and says they’re trapped, that’s when “You don’t even live together” becomes relevant because it’s clearly not a case of the OP being stuck with their partner because of shared property or finances and the OP is only trapped in an emotional context. But it doesn’t make the actual relationship less of a big deal.

I think in an ideal world many couples would actually be much happier for much longer if they had enough time apart to actually miss each other, want to see each other and value each other more. It keeps things from going stale and ensures there's less likelihood of taking each other for granted. In a lot of ways you get the best of both worlds.

Of course it's not really feasible for most people once a family comes along, mind. But before children, why not. Plus some people don't want children so that becomes entirely irrelevant in their circumstances.

We wanted to get married, but many people don't and are happier having another setup. If both parties prefer that, why would I doubt their commitment to each other?

It's difficult to know someone in a very three dimensional way unless you live together. Or at least half the time.

It doesn't mean the relationship isn't serious. In many ways its just that people think it seems great now, but if you moved in you might realise a few things that put you off!

When you say you go out together a couple of times a week do you mean you only see each other a couple of times a week or you see each other daily at one of your houses but go out out like cinema or food etc couple of times a week?

They had kids... Numerous it seems

I couldn’t imagine not living with my DH but to be honest, that’s because we both wanted to live together.

I think it’s unfair when people make judgment about others relationships.

I know plenty of couples living together that have rubbish relationships, one of my friends doesn’t live with her fiancée and has no plans too and they’re as happy as anything.

We see each other a couple of times a week. On occasions more. DP has family commitments and I'm quite busy too.

It works really well for us but I get that it's not for everyone. We, also, got together later in life when we were both quite settled on our own

I know quite a few people who are married or in longterm committed relationships who don’t live together. I have a friend who lives in Ireland while her husband lives in France, and their teenage daughter spends school terms with her mother and all vacs with her father, while my friend probably spends three months annually with him. They still regard themselves as happily married. Come to that, I spent nearly ten years living for six months a year in another country to DH for work, and only stopped when we had DS. Lots of people with children in subsequent relationships want to blend families.

I mean, I don’t think it’s wildly unusual.

I think people saying posters are ‘only dating’ on here is usually in response to the use of the term ‘partner’ to describe a new relationship of a few weeks or months.

Been with DP nearly 20 years, live apart and are very happy. I consider it a privilege and am grateful because I wouldn't want to share my home with anyone other than my DC.

See I don't live with my partner ( and no plans to) but we generally see each other at least 5 days a week. Spend time in both houses. We have decorated both places between us also.

But I don't have to put up with his bloody endless TV watching. And I'm sure he's glad to not have to put up with with some of my habits also.

But we do go away together. Usually a month each year and I do the same amount seperately.

He also looked after me through serious health issues

Yet according to some people it's not a " proper" relationship . Been together 9 years

In thread you’re referring to the OP has 4 young kids and another one on the way.

Obviously we don’t know the full story, but the fact that the father doesn’t live with them would lead many people to suspect that he’s not as actively involved in the day to day grind of raising them. Which must put a huge strain on the mother.

That’s a very different scenario to people who both have grown up kids deciding not to live together.

It's very important not to give too much credence to what other people say. What does it matter what some (potential) numpty on the other side of a screen says about whether or not you have a committed relationship?? They don't matter one bit when it comes to you and your relationship, so don't waste your energy worrying about what they think.

I'm in the same situation as you, OP, only difference being I don't justify my relationship to other people or care what they think of it.

The King and Queen lived apart until coronation didn't they?

Yes that's another good point. I think a lot of women have a tendency to take things personally even when it's not really warranted.

Reading about the thread in question it's quite clear why people might have said what they said, which really isn't about you or your circumstances.

No that's not the thread I was referring to actually. Its the one that says about not telling partner they love them. Not seen the thread you mentioned although tbh my DDs dad wasn't involved in the daily grind but that was because she was often away with the army.

I think most people have certain things in mind when they think of 'marriage', and sharing a home (except if one has to be away for work) is part of that. You can be in a committed relationship and not share a home, but it's not the same thing (imo) as a more typical marriage where you live together. Others shouldn't be telling you they don't take your relationship seriously because of your living arrangements, but I can understand them thinking you don't understand what it's like to actually live with someone all the time, and they may not take your relationship advice quite as seriously, because your experience is based on something different to their own. That said, every relationship is unique, however many commonalities they share.

You don’t share responsibilities, don’t share your every day, don’t share costs of living or don’t have to learn to tolerate each other’s living styles. It just really isn’t the same at all.

The fact is a lot of people talk a load of nonsense about things they don't really understand. So if you know you're okay and you know you're happy in a relationship that suits you, best to just say fuck'em and not pay any attention.