Not living together her. Why as it seen as a lesser relationship

[FedupofArsenalgame]

Following on from another thread on here it got me thinking

As the OP and her partner don't live together people have upped up they are " just dating" " not in a committed relationship" or even " FWB"

Why on earth do people think that you can't have a committed relationship unless you are living in the same house?

Lol so I suspect the majority of the people who do the " living apart together" scenerio HAVE actually lived with / married someone in the past. So they DO have the experience

Well why does ot matter what others think, if you or anyone thinks it is committed it is, you dont need other's permission

Quite

I've been married once and DP twice 🙂🙂

It doesn't matter really. It's just interesting. Or is this not a discussion forum?

I don't live with my "partner" (don't even call him my partner, very much a boyfriend IMO even though it's a ridiculous term to use at our age) and I think it's totally different level of relationship compared to living together......other than maybe deciding what we're having for dinner when eating together and where to go on holiday we make very few shared decisions. We pay our own bills and spend our own money how we choose, do what we like to our own homes, I don't have any responsibility or expectation to do things for his child etc.

I don't really rate "living together" relationships. They rather remind me of grown ups playing at living in Wendy Houses. Either get married or not.

Years ago, people used to live together to see if they were compatible before they got married and made a very expensive mistake. Nowadays people seem to live together for financial and transactional reasons. A large amount of mumsnetters seem to HAVE to have additional financial support by a man and subsequently end up putting up with very inferior and poor quality men - men that they wouldn't necessarily live with if they were rich.

Having said that - I don't consider not living together to be a lesser relationship. In my mind, you're either exclusive or your just dating and it's up to the individual couple to decide what works for them.

Yes, if they have that experience then they have it. But if someone hasn't, then they don't. I'm just giving a reason why someone may view this type of lifestyle differently and not seem to take it as seriously. Obviously every situation is unique.

I don’t live with my partner mainly due to work at the moment, eventually we will. We have adult children each at Uni so no joint children involved.

An ex work colleague has been with her partner over a decade, she works part-time and lives n her house and he lives with his mum so she can claim benefits as a single mum to enable her to work part-time.

In their situation I have no respect for them.

I know a married couple who do not live together. I have been with my other half for several years
We are both disabled, but he works and I am unable. If we lived together, I would be financially dependant on him as my benefits would stop, which neither of us want. I know a few couples who do want to live together but they cant afford to.

I have lived with someone before and don't think I don't want to do it again. Having my own space is vital to my well being.

We do see each other every day as he helps me with a lot of the things I struggle with and he does stay over sometimes.

It doesn't mean it's not a committed relationship. It keep boundaries clear. I dont understand people who get married and dont live together.

I'm divorced with 2 dc's still at home, the youngest is 13. My dp is in similar position and we're both the main carer for our dc's. We live 30/40 minutes apart, so living apart would mean uprooting mine or his dc's and that's not fair to them.

So we don't officially live together, but we do go backwards and forwards when we're childfree. We have keys to each other's houses, buy things together, do housework/gardening etc together. We holiday together, and with the dc's. On Father's Day we're all going for a day out. And a few days a week our dc's get our undivided attention, and we don't have to share a bed!!

We will live together, just when it's the right time. Having the kids at home is temporary, we're not.

I think it sounds nice if it’s what suits you both.

But I would never consider it on the same level as a couple that live together, because it isn’t.

Of course it's a proper relationship, there are all sorts of different relationships.

But, clearly a couple who don't co-habit aren't quite the same sort of single family unit as a couple who do.

There's no value attached to it, just different choices.

But exactly why?

Many people are in serious relationships post-separation from their DC’s parent, but choose not to live together to avoid disruption to their children’s lives. I think that’s admirable.

If there are joint children I would think it odd, especially if it means one person gets out of parenting

I see how it might work for some people. I don’t think it’s a lesser of a relationship because you don’t live together but this example seems like they are part of your life but not building a life together… if that’s makes sense? Maybe it’s because my DH is my best friend and I couldn’t be without him 😂😂😂

I couldn't be without my partner either but living a 2 mins walk away doesn't affect that at all.

I’ve been with my DP for 12 years but we live 10 miles apart as our children would hate living together.
I don’t see why our relationship should be seen as not committed just because we chose to put our children first. To be honest I think a lot more people should do the same rather than make their children live in a blended family.

Sure

But as I said we got together later in life - so it is a bit of a different perspective. Not so much needing to build a life rather enjoy the one we have with each other.

Neither of us were expecting to be in a committed relationship again. So quite a bonus 🙂🙂

Best friend is interesting. DP is - but I do have one friend of the opposite sex, who I knew before I met DP, and who has got me through some of the worst times of my life. They mean an awful lot to me

Full disclosure. I'm male and DP is female 🙂🙂

I would say there a few reasons

They say you don’t truly know someone until you live together. You can date for years and they can hide a side of them that they can’t if you live together 24/7. The little ‘quirks’ that may seem cute at the beginning can grate when you’re living together.

Why chose to live apart, if they make you that happy, why would you not want to be with them more?

Most couples do live together and in the same way some people feel being married is more committed than not being married, people would view not living together as not as committed.

These aren’t necessarily things I agree with but I can imagine these would be the reasons they fee it’s not as ‘proper’. I actually think there is a lot to be said for living separately. I think I’d love it and I know a couple who have their own houses and it’s the best of both worlds!

I should imagine there's all sorts of reasons someone would choose not too live with a partner who makes them happy. Kids is probably the main one. When I got with OH my DS was 12. Now how would that work living together? Either hed either have to move in with me or myself and DS move in with him. Putting strain on both the relationship AND. my DS. Is that s good thing?

Also if we lived together and he was to die ( he's quite a bit older than me) the funeral wouldn't have even taken place before his offspring would be turfing me on the street to sell the place. Just what you need when just bereaved.

I have lived with my DDs father and been married to someone else so can see both situations

Oh and I'm well aware of his annoying bloody " quirks". Spending 5 days a week rather than 7 still gives time for them to show.

Well they shouldn't be so judgemental.

I think maybe there's an element of jealousy there. In that we maybe feel we are conditioned as a society to live together when in a couple, when in fact it could often be more pleasant not to.

But once you're in it you can't really go back to saying 'I love you just as much as ever but want us to live apart' even though many people probably wish they could do just that.

If it’s not a lesser commitment then surely you would live together?
Most people class a non cohabiting couple as a lower commitment. You are actually sharing many aspects of life together.
You can disagree, unless you’re feeling insecure about your relationship it shouldn’t really matter what others think.

I wouldn't presume it's less committed but I would assume there is less of a united life. Which is absolutely fine. If you have your own cutlery and TV and invite guests separately then you are not truly sharing your life.

I'd bloody love that! Almost 100% of the things that cause friction in my relationship and that stress me out are due to living together, not DH personally. I find it very hard sometimes sharing, I often fantasise about living alone.