Not living together her. Why as it seen as a lesser relationship

[FedupofArsenalgame]

Following on from another thread on here it got me thinking

As the OP and her partner don't live together people have upped up they are " just dating" " not in a committed relationship" or even " FWB"

Why on earth do people think that you can't have a committed relationship unless you are living in the same house?

Haha how many married couples watch TV seperately. Or one watche's tv while others are watching something on tablet ( my DD and her DH a classic case)

It's just not the same. But if you are happy and feel totally committed then fine.

Maybe not the same - maybe actually better. I'm not sure we're designed to live with another human 24/7 and I think having to 'tolerate each other's living styles' can lead to resentment and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.

My DP has supported me through the loss of a parent, I've supported him through a major illness. We don't need to live together to be there for each other or know each other inside out - him missing out on my nagging and me not hearing him snore every night is a plus point!

Its a lovely way to live in my opinion.
It keeps things fresh, it allows for plenty of own time and space, if like me you still have young adult children living at home it doesn't impact their space or routines.
We text throughout day, some days more than others, we see each other often as only live a couple of miles apart in adjoining villages.
I much prefer sleeping on my own in my own bed, especially now l am experiencing hot flushes. l can stay over at partners whenever l like, he lives alone, no children at home. we go away a lot together for short breaks.
We are both at a stage of life where it's not necessary to entangle finances,, or buy one home to share when what we have now works perfectly for us. I
It's the best of both worlds.

Well no it's clearly not because it isn't the same. It's different and for many people, better. Thanks for your approval though.

And yet you’re incredibly defensive and sensitive.

Why do you get to say what 'level' it is? Or whether one 'level' is better than another?

It’s nowhere near the same, and I’ve done both. Living separately requires less consideration of the other partner, little compromise and far less commitment. It was just dating for me and I wouldn’t have been happy not being fully part of my partners life.
And I really didn’t want to constantly live out of a bag. I wanted partnership and commitment. Time apart was good so I could do what I wanted but ultimately it was unfulfilled and my ex was an idiot for other reasons so I left.

I agree.
But would also add that it depends what you mean by 'serious'. If you mean 'not fun', people who live together by definition spend more of their interactions dealing with the 'not fun' bits of life.

If 'serious' means 'committed' that's different. if people live together that's a sign that they ARE in a committed relationship. Of those couples who live apart, some are committed, some aren't. As pps situations shows, that doesn't mean you can't be committed living apart.

my dad doesn’t live with his partner, for financial reasons. They’re very much committed, and my dad was married for 50 years to my mum
But his partner would lose a lot financially if he moved in so they live separately

I wouldnt say 'incredibly' but with the amount of people saying it's not as good as a 'proper' relationship I dont think it's surprising that I might be a bit annoyed. I suspect a few posts at least are from those stuck in boring longterm situations and feeling slightly jealous or those of us who have the best of both worlds.

I'd actually say that in many ways it's more of a commitment - it's a mark of how much I feel for my partner that I dont want to live with him. I'm not messing up the best relationship I've ever had with arguments about who puts the bins out, complicated shared finances and 2 sets of kids.

I think it probably works because like you say you met later in life. Your lives were already how you like them so to have a DP is just a bonus.

Yes I know not everyone has their wife or husband as a best friend but he honestly is, if I want to go somewhere it’s him I want to take, have exciting news it’s him I want to tell. He’s been around longer than any friends

For you it might not affect that but for me it would. I’d want them there with me in the night, I like to wake up to him, I like to know he’s coming home to me at the end of the day. Everyone has a different take on it, I couldn’t do it but I wouldn’t say it’s less of a relationship for those that can live separately

I totally get why some people, especially as they get older and more settled in their ways and are on later relationships, decide not to co-habit. I once knew a couple who lived next door to each other. Totally different style houses, certain freedoms, but one shared life. Children too (which personally I found a little bit odd - though they were a nanny sort of family and very career driven). And they did split up eventually…

In many ways though, it sounds rather appealing.

But equally, I can completely understand that others might look at the relationship and not be able to understand that the same closeness is there. And I must admit to feeling some of that too. There is a certain level of pick and choose to the relationship. A level of absolute intimacy lacking.

In some ways, sad as it is, the lack of understanding is a rather expected (if unfair) downside to that life choice.

Where I do really feel it gets horrible is when people who do live together and share a life, and maybe even children, are told ‘yes, but your not married are you so it’s not the same’. And this is something you hear of sometimes when a partner has died. Some terrible things people say, and families do (and sometimes too, laws support). Cruel.

Me and DP have been together for over 20 years. We lived apart for over 15 years because we worked at the same place. To be honest being with him 24/7 would have killed the relationship stone dead. Once we got made redundant (after being furloughed), and started working apart for different companies then living together seemed more appealing so he moved in with me (no way was I giving up my home). We work opposite shifts now and still don't see much of each other during the week, so a happy compromise IMO.

You're obviously in a relationship but I think that's different from a partnership.

I don’t know OP. Probably they are just jealous 😉
Ive lived with my boyfriend before. It didn’t work for us. We are much happier with our own places. I KNOW his quirks, and he certainly knows mine!
We see each other when we want to, because we want to, and the rest of the time I’m the queen of my own castle. We go on holiday together, cook each other dinner, support each other through thick and thin and are solid as a rock. Plus I still fancy him over a decade later…

In what way?

So you would have the same problem if he had to work away a couple of nights a week then

I’ve actually never noticed that some people may have thought my marriage was less than someone else’s.

Been married for decades, and have had Bly lived together for the past five years. We are no more or less committed to each other as a result.

I suppose - in our example anyway - one of the biggest differences is in decision making

We do make most of our decisions individually. Joint ones are around where we are going on holiday, where we are eating out, whether we fancy seeing that show etc

On the other hand we do talk through our individual decisions/issues with each other.

And yes finances are separate - but you do still have to have a reasonably good idea of the others financial situation when you are planning things

My husband has only ever had to go and stay away overnight for work about 3 times, those time I obviously wasn’t bothered by but I’ve never been in the position to have him work away from home so I don’t know how I’d feel

Listen, I can absolutely see the positives. I would also say it could keep the excitement alive for longer and that’s a great part of a relationship.

Yes I know a lot of couples that cant afford to live together. They are usually disabled and on benefits and would be worse off if they lived together. Still very committed to eachother though.